‘Because I said so!’
How many times did you hear this phrase from your parents or carers when you were a child, having dared to question the wisdom of adult authority? I’d wager quite a lot.
Maybe you were frequently ordered to ‘just do as you’re told!’? Or perhaps you remember hearing a countdown in stern tones: ‘three . . . two . . . one’? Many of us will recall being scared into submission before the countdown was complete; others will remember being on the receiving end of a swift slap across the backs of our legs, or being dragged to sit in another room, alone, to think about our so-called disobedience and disrespect just a few moments after hearing the word ‘zero’.
I have been working with parents, as an educator and coach, for the last two decades. When I ask them to remember times of disobedience from their own childhoods, the exercise is always met with chuckles, fond head shaking and misty-eyed reminiscence of good times, as they recollect a parent’s or carer’s words and actions. They believe that they deserved the so-called discipline. They tell me they were ‘a right handful’ or ‘a naughty child’. They smile as they say, ‘Ah, but it never did me any harm!’
They are wrong.
This mistreatment of children – the most vulnerable members of society – is neither funny nor just. The trouble is, it is ingrained into our society; it has become acceptable, advisable, even.
We celebrate leaving babies to cry alone at night in their cribs in the name of sleep training and ‘teaching them to self-soothe’, even though self-soothing at such a young age is developmentally impossible. We live in a world where people rejoice in isolating a child from their family and peers, shaming them, punishing them, and often reducing them to tears, in the name of entertainment for television shows and social media clips, all without the child’s consent. Our governments seem hell-bent on making life as difficult as possible for families, and particularly for children, the only constituents who don’t get a say in their futures. And we do all of this on the back of historical male childcare experts, who gave advice over a century ago, their theories buried deep in patriarchal beliefs.
We rarely question our thoughts, words and actions, and if we do, we brush our concerns off with proclamations of the lack of harm it did to us. Sometimes, when an argument seems sound and logic cannot be easily used to refute it, the messenger is ridiculed as a ‘woke snowflake’, ‘liberal lefty’ or worse. These personal attacks should be called out for their shaky philosophical and scientific basis, yet they are the mainstay of mainstream media today – and many people who follow it. We blindly perpetuate the discrimination of children and ridicule and ostracise those who attempt to stand up for them, in a pattern that continues from generation to generation.
What is Childism?
Childism is no different to any other ‘ism’ – racism, sexism, ageism, heterosexism (more commonly known as homophobia) and ableism. It simply refers to the discrimination of children in our society. You could argue that childism is a form of ageism, since ageism is usually defined as being treated unfairly, or discriminated against, because of age. The term ageism, however, is usually used to refer to the middle-aged and elderly in society and doesn’t address the unique barriers, discrimination and mistreatment faced by the young. Nor does it consider the underlying causes, or the nuanced views necessary to advocate for a societal demographic who are so often believed to be spoiled rotten, showered with constant love, attention and money.
The more books I write about parenting and childcare (this is my fourteenth), the more I realise that the answers to the questions I am most frequently asked (usually starting with ‘How do I get my child to . . .’) should not be about changing the behaviour of children but, rather, about changing our beliefs and actions as adults. Because if adults truly understood childism and vowed to be better, and do better, as is the case with other ‘isms’, then the way we treat children would be radically different.
You may be surprised to learn that, as a mother of four and a so-called parenting expert, I am not a ‘baby person’ and I don’t have a natural bond with children. In fact, aside from my own, I am often awkward around them, which is embarrassing when I chat with parents after a book signing, talk or workshop and a smiling baby is foisted into my arms for a quick photo. Given this lack of affinity with babies and children, I’m often asked why I do what I do? Why am I so doggedly determined to change the way children are viewed and treated? The truth is that my real passion is fighting injustice. I don’t believe that children are treated fairly by society and yet they are the last discriminated group that we talk about. Children are discriminated against by adults from all walks of life – from parents and government officials to those who work in the education system. The very adults who are meant to protect and advocate for them. This needs to change.
What is the purpose of this book?
My aim with this book is threefold: first, to help you to understand your past and the childism you faced. To help you to see that the way you were treated as a child was often unjust and unfair and to reflect on whether this childist treatment has shaped your beliefs and behaviours. Next, I hope to help you consider the present and to see the extent of childism in society today, whether to help you to change the way you are with your children (or the children in your care) or perhaps, instead, to reinforce the approach you are already taking. Finally, we will look to the future and changes – some small, some big – that could transform the way our society treats children, with lasting positive effects for future generations.
Who is this book for?
In short, it’s for everyone. We have all been affected by childism because we have all been children. Some will be drawn to this book for information to help them with parenting their own children, others will find the book validating and useful to help with understanding themselves and their own upbringings. I have also written the book with professionals in mind, including childcare workers, teachers, government employees and medical professionals who work with children and their carers. This is a book for every adult who cares about our world and its future.
While much of the book will focus on childism in the early years, with babies and toddlers, we will also look at how discrimination impacts older children – because childism doesn’t stop as they get older, it just changes. To fully grasp the extent of childism in society today, though, we need to understand the roots of discrimination at the very beginning of childhood. The views and actions of adults towards infants shape the relationships and treatment of children as they grow into tweens, teens and young adults. So, regardless of whether you have, or care for, a one-year-old, a ten-year-old or a seventeen-year-old, we must start at the very beginning to fully understand how children, whatever their age, are affected today.
What you will find in this book
In the following ten chapters, we will consider how childism impacts different areas of a child’s life and highlight the discrimination. While this book is intended to raise awareness of an issue that has been ignored and avoided for far too long, it is also a rallying call to arms. Knowing about childism isn’t enough; we need to do something about it. Therefore, Chapters 1–6 build the case against childism, while Chapters 7–10 introduce an action plan of ways to challenge it.
The first chapter in this book is one of two halves, starting with an introduction to who I am and why I have been drawn to this work, and, indeed, why you should trust me as your tour guide, and closing with an exploration of the laws in place that should, theoretically, protect children against discrimination, and how well they do their job. Chapter 2 turns back the clock, with a look at the history of childism and those who popularised the childist childcare techniques that are still commonly used by parents and carers today. In Chapters 3 and 4, we will look at sleep and discipline – two areas of child-raising that are arguably the most childist – and how their management is in direct conflict with child rights and needs. When children’s needs for attachment, connection and validation are consistently unfulfilled as they grow, cycles of childism are perpetuated into the next generation. This is why it is so important to consider the impact of childism at such an early stage of childhood, regardless of how long ago we may have left that stage behind in our own lives.
We continue to build the case against childism in Chapter 5, this time turning our attention to our governments and politicians to consider what I term ‘state-sponsored childism’; no book about childism would be complete without a section on childcare, education, mental-health support and the impact of putting profits before people. Moving on to Chapter 6, we will ask questions about children’s right to privacy and how those raised in an online world, where their every move can be recorded and broadcast to thousands of strangers without their consent (or even knowledge) are facing new erosions of their rights, and on a scale never seen before.
The remainder of the book sets out what we can all do, armed with a new awareness of childism, to call for and bring about positive change. Chapter 7 asks you to imagine a world without childism, considering what our childcare, education, mental-health support and more would look like if they were truly designed to meet the needs of children and their families. Chapter 8 discusses how to tackle those who loudly declare ‘It never did me any harm!’ and dismiss the idea and very existence of childism. In this chapter, we will also consider how to work with people who declare that those who believe in childism are woke snowflakes, and understand what causes somebody to hold this viewpoint. Chapter 9 introduces my blueprint for an anti-childist society and invites you to become a cycle breaker, with advice on how best to do this while also considering your own needs. Finally, Chapter 10 is focused on myth busting – answering the questions that are so commonly asked when a discussion turns to childism, and how to tackle common retorts.
My hope is that by the end of this book you will not only understand childism and be fired up to tackle it, but you will also know how to do so. Being anti-childist is about considering how we treat children today, being aware of and removing discrimination, in order to give children a voice and help them to know that they matter, just as much as adults.
Childhood isn’t just practice for adulthood – children are important now. And the more we understand and accept this, the more likely that they will grow up feeling happy and confident and knowing their voices matter.
If we want to leave a better world for our children, we need to consider the way we treat them, and to do this we need to understand, and ultimately accept, that we ourselves weren’t treated very well by adults during our own childhoods. Once we become aware of the childism that we faced and that it is omnipresent in the world today, we can either remain part of the problem, doing nothing to solve it or we can use any resulting discomfort as fuel to fire us into making a change and breaking the childist cycle for our own children and those who follow.
Which will you choose?
At this point I feel I should, perhaps, apologise to you because this book is going to make you feel uncomfortable and angry, but it’s necessary. It is a call to arms; we must change things.
Are you ready to be part of an anti-childist revolution? Then it’s time to go down the rabbit hole . . .
‘Because I Said So! – Why society is childist and how breaking the cycle of discrimination towards children can change the world’ is published September 14th. You can preorder a copy HERE.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith 
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