Why Potty Training Accidents are a GOOD Thing!

Are you potty training at the moment and despairing of your child’s accidents? Relax! They’re actually a great sign!

No – I haven’t gone insane. Yes, I have got children and yes, I do remember what it’s like to clear up umpteen accidents. Here’s the thing though….accidents are an important part of potty training. In fact, I’d argue, that it’s better for children to have lots of accidents while training, than to sail through the process without any.

potSo, why are accidents important? Because they are an important learning opportunity. They help kids to learn how long they can hold on V when they MUST go to the potty. They help kids to learn to notice their body’s cues – and act on them and they help to motivate them.

There is no denying that children today potty train later than ever before. In my Gentle Potty Training Book/Ready Set Go, I talk about a lot of this delayed age of dryness being due to better knowledge and understanding of the physiology and psychology around potty training, plus the convenience of modern nappies/diapers and more parents in full time employment. They’re not the only reasons though. Nappies/Diapers today are just too damn good! Children rarely feel wetness in them. They don’t know what it feels like to have sopping wet clothes, or see puddles on the floor and they have less of a motivation to stop wearing them because the moisture absorbing abilities of today’s modern inventions are so good.

Potty training accidents are probably the first time that kids today understand what it’s like to be truly wet and the first time that they actually see their pee (and poo in its natural form). How can children really learn to potty train without these experiences?

pottyPotty training is probably the only stage in child development where parents are uncomfortable with accidents and near misses. The only stage of child development where we expect near perfection from the offset. The only stage of development where we quickly proclaim “he obviously isn’t ready, if he was, he wouldn’t be having all these accidents”. We’re far too quick to whip out the diapers/nappies again and put off potty training for another time, further in the future. Imagine if we did the same when children were learning to ride a bike. After two or three falls and scuffed knees, we wipe off the dirt, mop up the tears and say “she’s clearly not ready for this yet, perhaps we’ll try again in six months time”, packing up the bike for another day. Imagine if we took the same approach when weaning onto solids. “he’s smooshed the banana all over the plate and thrown the carrot on the floor, barely anything made it into his mouth. He obviously isn’t ready. We’ll try again in another couple of months”. Or what if we took the same approach when our children were learning to walk “she’s fallen over so many times and made her clothes all dirty. She clearly isn’t ready to walk, we’ll keep her crawling instead for now”. Why the impatience and intolerance for the learning process with potty training?

Our expectations of potty training are unrealistic. We must understand that children are learning and when children learn they make a mess, they test their own abilities, they get the timing wrong and they make mistakes, but these things are all part of the process. Learning means getting things wrong as well as getting things right. That accident your daughter had because she was engrossed in play; it helped her to learn to listen to her body’s cues and go to the potty quicker next time. That accident your son had when he peed in his pants; it helped him to learn that he needs to tell you when he needs to go, before he needs to go next time. This doesn’t mean that they won’t have accidents again, each accident presents its own learning opportunity – and it takes time to learn. When it comes to potty training – think months and years, not days and weeks!

Along with plenty of patience and time, kids need parents who are confident in them, trust in them and give them the opportunity to learn. Kids need parents who accept their accidents, if not welcome them, and most importantly of all – stay consistent with the decision that now is the right time, even if it’s not accident free!

If you want a helping hand with the physiology, psychology and practicalities of potty training, check out my Gentle Potty Training Book in the UK and Australia/NZ, also known as Ready, Set, Go in the USA and Canada (they’re the same book – just different title/cover depending on where you live!).

pottybookGentle Potty CTPB v6b

 

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How To Not Lose Your Temper As A Parent

Stressed mother with childDo You Struggle with Controlling Your Temper?

In gentle parenting circles, talk of parents getting angry and ‘losing their cool’ is often spoken of in hushed tones and largely frowned upon. I am convinced that many people who say they never lose their temper with their children are either lying, delusional or asimply haven’t been a parent for very long. All parents ‘lose it’ at some point and I’m right up there with the best of them!

Personally I have found it harder to keep my cool the older my children get. My first real ‘red mist’ moment didn’t happen until towards the end of the toddler years. Since then they have been more regular than I would care to admit. You know what though? That’s life. Nobody is perfect. There is nothing wrong with anger, it’s a normal human emotion and actually a very useful one (more on this later). The problem is in the way we deal with it, especially in front of our children.

Why we get angry as parents
I think it’s important to start by saying that even the most placid person will have something that triggers them at some point in their life. In many cases though anger, or particularly the type of anger that makes us act in ways we would never normally would, can be avoided if we understand our triggers. The following all play a role in our levels of anger, some can be avoided and others can be worked on, whether by ourselves or with the help of a professional.

  • Growing up in a home where verbal or physical violence was the norm
  • Physical exhaustion (including improper nourishment and deficiencies)
  • Mental exhaustion
  • Lack of support from family, especially partners
  • Financial worries
  • Stress from looking after elderly or sick relatives
  • Work worries
  • A lack of time to ourself, particularly time to unwind and ‘breathe’.
  • Friendship or relationship problems.

I know in my own case that anger is my default setting because of my own upbringing. My parents were wonderful and I loved them very dearly, but my mum was ‘a shouter’. Understandably I grew up to be a shouter too and I have to really work to stop that being my initial response to any issues with my own children. My other big triggers for anger are work stress (either from working too much or absorbing too many emotions from my clients) and a lack of looking after myself properly in terms of nourishment and relaxation time.

As with all things, prevention is better than cure with anger. I know now (after many years of observing my own feelings and parenting) when I need to take ‘time out’. I know what my early warning signs are. I know when I’ve neglected self care (from what I eat, to a lack of exercise, fun and relaxation) and I can usually schedule in an emergency top up before I lose my cool. I budget £100 per month of self care for me (this covers a weekly Pilates class and a monthly massage and reflexology session). I know that’s a lot of money and out of many people’s reach, but I see this as a household expense, it keeps me running well and I can take care of the house and the kids as a result. Yes, it means I forfeit new clothes and much of a social life, but I cannot parent without it.

Coping ‘In the Moment’.
Practising mindfulness is my saving grace here. I don’t mean mindfulness in terms of listening to relaxation CDs everyday (although that certainly is great!). I mean living ‘in the moment’, being aware of what is happening inside me and really observing my feelings. This helps me to pause before responding. Often anger as a response to our children’s actions is unjust or unwarranted in the degree we release. My friend PETER helps me out when I’m really struggling to help me in these scenarios:

P = Pause. Don’t react immediately.
E = Empathise. Try to understand how your child is, or was, feeling and their point of view.
T = Think. Think about different ways you could respond and the learning that would happen as a result.
E = Exhale. Take a deep breath, breathe out, relax your shoulders and picture your anger leaving.
R = Respond. Now is the time to respond to your child, not before.

Other Coping Tips:
These are some of my favourites, but the list here is infinite!

  • Wear five red bands on your right wrist. Each time you overide your anger when responding to your child move a band to your left hand. You goal is to have all five bands on your left wrist by the end of the day.
  • Close your eyes and picture yourself in your favourite place: A beach, a forest, a mountain. Take yourself off there for a minute or two when you’re most in need or peace.
  • Picture somebody who always seems calm and cool. Imagine stepping inside their body and wearing it as a suit. Feel how calm they are and let the peace soak into your body. Think about how they might respond to situations that trigger your anger.
  • Call a friend, or have a good rant on an internet discussion group. My gentle parenting group on Facebook is full of kind and non-judgemental parents who will listen to you!.
  • Take a parental ‘time out’. If all else fails make sure your child is safe in a child proofed room and take yourself off to another room to calm down for a couple of minutes.
What Should you Do if you Lose your Cool?
Accept it, forgive yourself and move on. Everybody has bad days. Learn from what happened, don’t let it go to waste. Identify your triggers and what you could have done differently at each point. Don’t give up, you’re not a bad parent – even if it lasted all day. Giving up on gentle parenting because of a bad day is like getting your new shoes dirty in a muddy puddle and then rolling in it and covering yourself in mud because you ‘failed’. You didn’t. You can wash the shoes off and keep them clean tomorrow.Lastly – and perhaps most importantly – apologise to your child. Children are more resilient than we think. If you lose your temper take time to calm down and then apologise to your child. If they are older, this is a good time to discuss with them that feeling anger is OK, but being violent in voice or body is not. Tell them that you made a mistake, that you will do better next time. If you’re feeling run down and short of patience ask your children to help you. Tell them you feel highly strung today and would really appreciate their help to keep things calm. You’ll be surprised at their response!
For much more information on keeping calm, controlling your temper, slaying your parenting demons and how to be a great role model for your children, check out my Gentle Discipline Book (UK), known as Gentle Discipline (in the USA & Canada).
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When and How Should You Handle Pocket Money?

If you have read my Gentle Parenting Book you’ll know I’m really pro giving children pocket money. I believe pocket money is important to allow them the freedom and control to be able to buy what they want, rather than have to ask you for everything. This control can have a very positive ‘knock on’ effect on the rest of their behaviour (that is often totally unrelated to money and purchases). Pocket money also teaches children economics from a very early age, so important considering finance management is not a part of core schooling curriculum (why?!). It can teach children about saving and donating, about foreign currency exchange and the value of buying good quality products.

I believe that a good age to start giving pocket money is 3 or 4 years of age. I think it is absolutely vital however that children have pocket money as they enter their tween years (8 years and up). The amount that I give is fairly age dependent. From 3-7 the child’s ‘needs’ are minimal and the pocket money is likely to be spent on toys, candy, magazines and the like. At this age my children received £10 (GBP) each per month (which is roughly $14 USD), this increases to £20 (GBP) per month from age 8 onwards (so circa $28 USD). It doesn’t increase beyond this point as I encourage them to work for any extra money they want. My 14 year old has a weekly paper round which he does part of with his 13 year old brother. The 14 year old keeps 75% of his pay and pays his brother 25% for helping each week (a deal they came up with themselves). My 9 and 11 year olds frequently sort through their belongings and ask me to sell any that they don’t want if they are trying to raise money for something and we often have a car boot sale/yard sale. In addition to this I do encourage them to donate unused/outgrown items to charity too, especially if they aren’t saving for something.
pocketmoney
There are a few important caveats I believe that should apply to the giving of pocket money:

1. Once you have given your child their pocket money that money is no longer yours. That means you don’t get a say in how they spend it. If they want to blow all of it on a magazine that they cannot read yet, or a poorly made plastic toy that you just know will break quickly then that is their prerogative. It is important that they learn about value through their own experiences and natural consequences. Try as hard as you can to not interfere with their choices.

2. Pocket money should not be based on their behaviour. Whether your child is an angel or a terror just before pocket money time should not affect how much they receive from you. The giving of pocket money is unconditional. It is given to improve their feelings of autonomy (something that is often undermined when bad behaviour happens and is often the cause). You should not limit it and neither should you add an ‘extra little reward’ if they have been very good. They get the same every month on the same date (mine get theirs on the 1st of the month).

3. Don’t tie pocket money to chores – ever. Once again the pocket money is unconditional. Paying children for helping around the house is a recipe for disaster. It may seem a great idea initially, but the novelty will soon wane and you are likely to create a “what will you give me if I do it”? child, who is reluctant to help unless they get paid. Chores are a part of everyday life, a part of living in a family. Everybody should be expected to chip in and nobody should get rewarded for them financially. The minute you reward them you damage the chance of the child helping altruistically (unpaid). There is a slight “but if” here though. If there is a very unusual job that is not an everyday chore and your child is looking to earn extra pocket money, then I see no harm in a one off fee now and again. For instance my family keep chickens and ducks and we sell surplus eggs from our driveway. Collecting eggs in the rain and mud is not fun, so occasionally one of my sons collects the eggs, cleans them up, boxes them and puts them out on our selling table. He also has to collect the money once they are sold. For doing this he is allowed to keep a quarter of the profit. He gets paid nothing for cleaning/tidying up in the house though – ever.

4. You must have clear boundaries. What is the pocket money to cover and what will you cover? This needs to be made very clear as soon as possible. Pocket money in my house is to cover any items the children want outside of Christmas and birthdays. It is also to cover drinks/food if they go into town with a friend, or buy something on the walk home from school. Lastly it also needs to cover holiday spending money. I pay for their clothes, a monthly phone top up, any food we eat out when I’m with them and all of their clubs.

5. I don’t lend money. If they see something they want for £30, I won’t lend them the extra £10 until next month. They have to wait until next month and save. The same is true of holiday spending money. We have discussions about how many months until holiday and how much they would like to take with them, they save (well two out of the four save!) and then go into the bank to change their own money up into foreign currency. I don’t expressly make them save if they don’t want to, because I believe it is best if they experience the natural consequences of not saving. I don’t expect them to save ‘for their future’ either, that’s my job.

6. I don’t expressly make them give to charity. I do love charity shops and jumble sales so this has become a way of life for them – the charity shop is always the place they head for first at the start of the month as a result. If we see a busker in the street and they ask for money I will ask them if they have any of their own to use, the same goes for charity collection boxes. They all now spontaneously donate to what they deem a good cause (different to my good causes – my daughter for instance will give to anything animal related).

7. As soon as possible we open a bank account with a debit card. We have conversations about the difference between debit and credit, balancing their account and debt. Something I didn’t know about until my late teens.

8. We have a household saving pot (we use the sealed pots that you smash to open). This pot usually goes towards our holiday spending each year. I have never encouraged the children to add money to it, but seeing me regularly emptying out my change into it has obviously had an effect on them as they regularly do the same with their pocket money. I have never encouraged or discouraged this, but I love the fact that they want to add to it.

I think the hardest part of giving pocket money though is definitely the standing back and letting them ‘waste’ their (your) money. Remember though what you deem a huge waste may be an absolute treasure to your child! Pocket money is all about them having control, don’t undermine it by trying to control what they spend it on!

Sarah

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Why You Should NEVER Praise or Reward A Child for Eating!

If you have a ‘poor eater’ you may be tempted to praise your child when they finally eat something new, or green. Perhaps you clap, or cheer “well done, good boy for trying!”, perhaps others praise your child for eating all of their food, saying “good girl for eating up!” Or perhaps your child has come home from school with an award or a sticker saying “I ate all my lunch today”. Or perhaps you have just purchased a ‘healthy eating’ sticker reward chart for your toddler or preschooler.

stick

All of these practices however can be highly damaging to a child’s relationship with food and can also cause more eating problems in the long-term.

Praising a child for eating can be incredibly counter-productive. While the child may initially try to eat the food on offer, in exchange for lots of praise from their parents, the effect is unlikely to be long-lasting. The most worrying outcome of praise however is not the temporary effect it has, but how it encourages children to override their innate satiety cues in favour of pleasing their parent. Research has shown that children who are regularly praised for eating are statistically more likely to grow to be overweight in later life. Being raised with praise for eating encourages the child to associate eating with feeling good, there is no surprise then that this emotional eating leads to disordered eating as the child grows and seeks to eat to make themselves feel better.

 

eatIn a similar vein, rewarding for ‘good eating’ is also best avoided. Rewards may temporarily make a child eat more, however they can have a negative effect on whether the child actually likes the food and can cause an aversion to previously liked foods. This unintended negative outcome is even more likely if the reward on offer is another food, for instance if the child is rewarded with some ice cream if they eat their broccoli.

Praise and reward for eating is rife in many schools. Children are told “well done!” for trying something new, or eating all their lunch. When they were younger, my children often came home from school with stickers or certificates given for ‘good eating’. While some school staff may realise that rewarding a child for clearing their plate may not be such a good idea, the same people would often think that rewarding or praising a child for trying something new is sensible. The simple fact is, rewards and praise of any form surrounding eating is a bad idea. School staff should try as hard as possible to remain neutral and not comment on what children are, or are not eating. Most importantly, the stickers and certificates with smiley faces and stars proclaiming “I ate all my lunch today” really need to go.

Eating really should be emotion free. That means no praise and no rewards on offer. The true goal of Gentle Eating is to raise a child who has a healthy relationship with food, one who eats when they are hungry and stops when they are full and considers all food as fuel, not ‘naughty’ or ‘good’. When we reward, or praise a child for ‘eating up’, clearing their plate, or even trying something, we encourage them to override their own bodily cues. They may temporarily eat a little more, or try something green, however you are not instilling good eating habits. As a parent, your role is to stay neutral about the food the child eats, that means you don’t reward or praise when they eat ‘well’ and you don’t admonish them if they don’t eat something either.

 

eatingbookquotesIf you would like to learn more about Gentle Eating – and how to raise a child with a healthy relationship with food (who also eats vegetables!) check out my Gentle Eating Book. Available HERE in the UK , HERE in Australia and New Zealand and HERE elsewhere in the world.

 

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The Secret Way to Achieve a Calmer and Easier Toddler Bedtime

todbedAre you struggling with getting your toddler or preschooler to bed? Bedtime resistance is common in the toddler and preschooler years and what was once an easy bedtime can often stretch out to hours. Similarly night waking may resurface (or not improve as expected). There are many reasons for disturbed bedtimes and waking (see HERE for more), however the bedtime routine and what happens immediately before it is key in my opinion.

Toddlerhood and the preschool years often mean that children are more likely to be separated from their parents in the daytime. Even if one or both parents stay home from work, children often attend nursery/kindergarten. Similarly, the arrival of a new sibling often means that older children don’t get to spend the 1-2-1 time with their parents that they need during the daytime. This separation, lack of 1-2-1 and need to reconnect in the evenings can – and often does – play havoc with bedtime. It’s not just bedtime that can be negatively affected though, night waking may increase (because the child needs the parent more in the night when they wake).

So, what can you do to help?

My answer is to schedule in re-connection playtime every evening, between dinner and bedtime. I know many working parents will read that sentence and say “but I don’t have time for that, it’s too late – and I need adult time!”. The thing is, if what you’re doing now isn’t working then you need to make a change. A delayed bedtime allows time for re-connection which means an easier, quicker bedtime and often less night-waking. A trade-off you may consider worth it. Ideally this re-connection time lasts for an hour and that hour is spent fully engaged playing with the child. For the first forty-five minutes of the re-connection time, make play as loud, crazy and busy as possible. Lots of running around, lots of rough-housing, lots of being really silly. In the summer, this is great spent outside, in the garden/yard or park. Think of it as having a puppy who needs to get their energy out ready to be crated for the night. A toddler and preschooler is no different, except that to them play spells connection too. The only proviso here is that the child needs to lead the play as much as possible and that screens don’t feature at all (so no TV, tablets or smart phones). After 45 minutes, slow the play down and come inside, into your main living area. Now it’s time for 15 minutes of quiet time. Reading books, drawing, puzzles and so on – once again, no screens. This is time that needs to ideally be spent sitting and as still as possible, because it’s preparing the child for bedtime. Once the final 15 minutes of calm play is up, it signals that bedtime is shortly about to begin. Just before bedtime begins though, I recommend a quick bedtime snack. My snack of choice is wholewheat (brown) toast with almond butter, or porridge/oatmeal with sliced bananas (these snacks contain good levels of tryptophan and magnesium, needed for sleep).

Once snack time is over, it’s time for bedtime to begin. Here, my only proviso is that once bedtime starts, you don’t go back to the main living area again, you only go to the bathroom and the room your child sleeps in. Nowhere else. This is a firm boundary (see HERE for setting and upholding boundaries in a gentle but effective way).

Let’s look at a quick run-down of what a typical evening might look like. I’ve based this on a bedtime (sleep onset) of 8:15pm, which research shows is a good physiological match for toddlers and preschoolers. Obviously timings won’t be as exact as they are here, and you may need to juggle times to work for you, especially if you work, so this is just a rough idea:

  • 5:30-6:00pm: Dinner/tea time
  • 6:00-6:45pm: Crazy and loud active play (no screens)
  • 6:45-7:00pm: Calmer, quiet play (no screens)
  • 7:00-7:25pm; Bedtime snack
  • 7:25pm: Prepare bedroom for sleep
  • 7:30-7:40pm: Bathtime
  • 7:40-7:50pm: Into PJs etc..
  • 7:50pm: Story, milk, cuddles
  • 8:00-8:15pm: Sleep onset
The combination of re-connection time, a physiologically appropriate bedtime, bedtime snack and consistent bedtime routine can really help sleep, not just in terms of taking the stress out of bedtime, but also in reducing night waking too.

 

For more on toddler and preschooler sleep, see my Gentle Sleep Book and Gentle Sleep Book Facebook page.

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How to Get a Baby to Take a Lovey or Comfort Object

comfortAre you trying to get your baby to take to a comfort object?

For the first few years of life babies take comfort predominantly from one thing, or should I say one person – their mother. This isn’t a reflection of their love for their mother being greater than their father. Simply they have spent nine months growing inside her and in the case of breastfed babies, a significant period of time receiving nourishment from her post birth. To a baby their mum is their home. They know her inside and out. As they grow, their bonds with other family members will increase, but in the early days it is natural that they need to be close to their mother whenever they are scared, overwhelmed or overstimulated. Some people incorrectly say “the baby is using you as a dummy/pacifier”, or “they have developed a bad habit of always needing to be held or fed to sleep”. The reality is though, that dummies and pacifiers are a replacement for the real deal, not vice versa.

The best thing a mother can do is to allow her baby to snuggle and feed as often as they need. Often though this is not possible. Returning to work or even just needing a couple of hours ‘me time’ necessitate that babies sometimes need other things that comfort them too. When it comes to sleep, if the baby has an object which they strongly associate with their mother they may transition between sleep cycles independently, feeling as if they have a piece of their mum/mom with them.

Despite what many manufacturers claim, there are no magic toys or loveys. It is not the object itself that is important, but what you do with it. That said, my best tips for choosing a comfort object are to get something that is fairly flat (you’ll see why in a minute!) and made up of very soft fabric, preferably with a contrasting fabric from a sensory perspective. For older babies and toddlers I love a baby blanket made out of fur or ‘minky’ fabric and edged in thick satin ribbon (like THIS) and for younger babies something flattish in a very soft fabric with a few tags, or ears made from a different fabric (like THIS).

Condition the object as follows:

1. Every time you feed and cuddle the baby put the comfort object between you and them (now you’ll see why I recommend something fairly flat!).
2. Show the object lots of love yourself, comment on how soft it is, stroke it and say how calm it helps you to feel.
3. If your baby throws or pushes the object away simply calmly put it back (repeatedly).
4. At nap time and bedtime snuggle the comfort object next to the baby while they are going to sleep.
5. For older babies make sure that they have free access to the object all night, for younger babies just while you are present to supervise.
6. For babies in daycare, make sure the comfort object is always with them as needed during the day.
7. Consider buying two – it’s not fun if you lose it!

Expect a period of around 4 to 6 weeks of doing this daily before your baby forms a connection with their comfort object. Remember, they aren’t magic. It takes time for them to associate them with you. Around two thirds of babies will eventually form a good bond with a comfort object, often for many years to come.

For more gentle sleep tips, check out The Gentle Sleep Book and Why Your Baby’s Sleep Matters (written specifically for breastfed babies under 12 months old). You can also follow me on Facebook for more sleep tips and advice.

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What to Do When You Feel Like Sleep Training Your Baby

sleepFeeling close to giving up & sleep training your baby?

The first thing I want to say is that at some moment ALL parents have, or will feel, how you do right now. I definitely have, more than once (in fact more than that!). There is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling that you “just can’t do this anymore”. There is nothing wrong in feeling resentment towards your partner, your friends whose babies ‘sleep through’ and even your baby. There is nothing wrong in having a good old moan about how exhausted you feel. Parenting is tough, really, really tough. Although each age brings its own challenges, the first two years are definitely the hardest on you physically. It’s ironic that the hardest physical work comes at a point when your body is still trying to recover from carrying and birthing your baby, the time when you need rest the most.

I know too well how tempting it is to follow the magic sleep plan your friend with the perfect sleeping baby has followed. I know what it feels like to second, third and fourth guess your choices. Your parenting style is meant to make your baby MORE confident, but she’s only becoming clingier. What did you do wrong to create such a needy and anxious little boy? The answer is – absolutely nothing. NOTHING you have done has created a ‘bad sleeper’. In fact I would wager that your baby actually isn’t ‘a bad sleeper’ even though it sure does feel like it. Hundreds of thousands of babies around the world have been trained to sleep abnormally, these are the unusual ones – not yours. One day your hard work will pay dividends, but frustratingly that day isn’t here yet.

So, what can you do when you feel at the end of your tether?

1. You MUST start here. You are exhausted. You MUST find some way to rest. Right now, if you are at rock bottom it is better for your baby to some time with somebody who cares for them (even though they may not settle well for them) while you recuperate, than to have a drained and barely functioning mother. Tanking up on a night’s sleep, or sleeping in the day while your partner/mum/sister/friend takes the baby (preferably out of ear shot so you don’t hear any crying) is so important. When you have had some sleep, even just for one night, everything will seem different.

2. You MUST start practising daily self care of some form. This looks different for everybody – it could be joining a singing group, a running group, a knitting group, a salsa class, a yoga class, a book club – something involving adults where you can be your pre-baby you. In addition take long baths or indulgent showers, eat well, meditate or try mindfulness, go to bed as early as possible. Get a massage, get a pedicure, get some reiki or reflexology – whatever floats your boat.

3. Make sure you are not adding to your exhaustion due to postnatal depletion. Many new mothers are lacking in Vitamin D, Zinc, Magnesium, Vitamin B12 and Iron. If you’re lacking in these you’re going to feel even more run down and even more tired. I’m firmly of the opinion that ALL new mothers should supplement B12, Magnesium and Vitamin D (for all I use sprays made by Better You). Tablets are really not well absorbed by the body and if you’re deficient a multi-vitamin will not be sufficient.

4. Check your own anxiety levels. Many (most?) new mothers have high levels of anxiety, especially first timers. Birth trauma, difficulty transitioning to motherhood – perhaps after an unplanned pregnancy, a long wait and fertility issues, giving up a job where you were in control, or relationship issues can all play havoc with our emotions. Research shows that maternal anxiety plays a big role in infant sleep and can make babies wake more. In addition anxiety can make you second guess your choices and decisions and make you feel less sure of them which can lead to a lack of continuity and consistency – something else that affects sleep. Speaking with your GP, a helpline, a counsellor or a local support group can really help.

5. Remind yourself why you are parenting in this way. What messages do you want to send your baby? What are your long term hopes? How would sleep training fit with this? How would you feel if you sleep trained tomorrow, but in 6 months time your baby was sleeping no differently than if you hadn’t sleep trained at all? One of the downsides of sleep training is that results are not long lasting. Even pro sleeping training research admits there are no permanent positive effects!

6. There are ways in which you can help your child to get more sleep gently. These mostly involve looking at their sleeping environment, their daytime routine, their bedtime routine, their diet and any potential physical issues. I offer bespoke support through email, Skype and phone for those who need a little more. If you really MUST do something now, you don’t have to resort to CIO, controlled crying, pick up put down or gradual retreat!

For more gentle sleep tips, check out The Gentle Sleep Book and Why Your Baby’s Sleep Matters (written specifically for breastfed babies under 12 months old). You can also follow me on Facebook for more sleep tips and advice.

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How to Stop Rocking Your Baby to Sleep

rockDo you want to stop rocking your baby to sleep?

Rocking is often a fail safe way to get babies off to sleep and certainly not something I would ever recommend avoiding. Many view rocking as a negative ‘sleep prop’ or an ‘unhealthy habit’, however I don’t agree. Babies need to feel safe and secure and they need our help to calm them to a level where it is easy to fall asleep. The close contact and movement of rocking meets all of these needs. In time all babies will grow out of the need for rocking, the question is whether they outgrow this need before they become too big and heavy for the parent to rock. If you can still rock your two year old to sleep there is absolutely nothing wrong with continuing to do so, it is very unlikely that it will affect their night time sleep negatively, despite what others may tell you. If you do want to reduce the rocking however read on for my three step plan:

1. Step number one is to introduce other calming methods alongside the rocking so that the baby associates them with rocking. Here I would suggest calm, rhythmical music, such as my Gentle Sleep Music, a calming scent in the room, such as lavender, and using a small very soft and sensory blanket to hold around or against the baby. I would also softly speak key words repeatedly while rocking (e.g “close your eyes little sleepyhead, it’s time for sleep and time for bed”) or you could read a short rhythmical storybook if you can read one handed. These should be used for a minimum of two weeks, whilst rocking as usual. Read THIS for more on crying.

2. Step number two is to keep a log of roughly how long you rock for over the two weeks when you are introducing new calming methods. Keep a log of how many minutes you rock for each night and calculate an average over the two weeks.

3. Step number two starts after two weeks. On the first night you should rock for two minutes less than the average you calculated in point two, this is repeated each night adding another two minutes. For instance if you calculated your average rocking time to be ten minutes you would rock for 8 minutes on the first night, 6 on the second, 4 on the third and so on. At the end of the rocking time if your baby is still awake then continue to hold them but don’t rock (or move in any other way). This applies whether you are sitting in a rocking/nursing chair or are standing and rocking in your arms. If your baby cries (which they probably will) continue to hold them and comfort them in any other way other than rocking (or moving in another way) once the rocking time is up.

After a week of point 3 (which is 3 weeks since you first started) you are aiming to reach a stage of just holding your baby to sleep with no movement. If you want to move on past this point and wean off of holding to sleep altogether I would recommend that you adopt a floor bed or co-sleeper set up where you can lay down and cuddle the baby to sleep and then move away when they are asleep.

 

For more gentle sleep tips, check out The Gentle Sleep Book and Why Your Baby’s Sleep Matters (written specifically for breastfed babies under 12 months old). You can also follow me on Facebook for more sleep tips and advice.

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Why Your Child Needs Boundaries – and How to Set & Enforce Them



There is a pervasive myth that Gentle Parenting is permissive – because it allows children to “get away with anything”, doesn’t discipline, doesn’t have any rules, never says “no” and doesn’t uphold any boundaries. All of these beliefs are wrong (see more of them HERE). Boundaries play a crucial role in Gentle Parenting, in fact, so much so they really do form one of its cornerstones. I think the difficulty in understanding, comes from those who don’t really ‘get’ this style of parenting and also from those who practice it, but are a bit too scared to set and particularly enforce boundaries.

Why Are Boundaries Important?
Simply put, they help kids to feel safe and secure, by knowing – clearly – what is expected of them. As much as we may like to think we’re ‘rule-breakers’, it’s rare that people do well without any instruction at all. Boundaries are in essence the blueprint of behaviour for kids to follow – if they know what’s expected of them, it’s much easier for them to behave in ways that adults would prefer. To add to this, boundaries keep kids safe (our own children as well as other people’s children), it keeps the environment safe (by reducing breakages and damages) and it helps kids to grow up to be kind, respectful individuals who are capable of forging good relationships with others and functioning in the ‘adult world’.

What Boundaries Should You Have?
That’s entirely up to you. There will be some obvious basics that all families share – those that involve safety (“no running into the road”, “no going off with strangers”, “no playing with fire”, “no hitting/biting/kicking others” etc..). Then there will be others that are more unique to your own beliefs, albeit some may be commonly shared with other families (“no shoes inside”, “no jumping on the sofa/bed”, “no painting without covering the table/floor first” etc.). What you choose is entirely up to you. Some parents have no issue with jumping on beds or sofas, so that’s a boundary they wouldn’t need to set, for others it really matters – so they would set that boundary. That’s the beauty with boundaries – they really are flexible. You simply choose what’s *really* important to you. My only proviso is that non-safety related boundaries need to be really mindfully set (ask yourself WHY am I feeling the need to set this boundary?) and the number kept to a realistic minimum. A home with way too many boundaries (aka Authoritarian parenting) is in many ways worse than a home with barely any boundaries (aka Permissive parenting). Gentle parenting tries to strike a balance with boundaries – not too many, not too few. It also aims to keep them realistic based on the age of the children and their physical and psychological capabilities.

When Do You Discuss and Enforce Them?
Depending on the age of your children, once you have decided upon a boundary (and therefore set it), it’s a good idea to discuss the boundaries with them. Of course, if you have a baby or a toddler, this is a pretty pointless exercise, the chances are they won’t understand (although it gets you into a good habit of communicating with them, regardless of their understanding!), but if you have a 3, 4 or 5 year old (and definitely older) then discussing your boundaries when you set them is a great idea. Make this discussion appropriate to their age – for instance with a three year old, reading a story book about not hitting others is a great age appropriate way to help them to understand. If you have a seven year old, then sitting and discussing with them, watching some videos together – and even getting them involved in drawing a poster of ‘our family rules’ is probably the way to go.

When should you enforce them? Every time they are broken (or about to be broken). The thing with boundaries is that you must be consistent with them. if you’re inconsistent, it’s confusing for kids. They never know whether to test your boundary (ie break it) or not. All parents involved in the child’s care need to be on the same page too, inconsistency between adults, is just as confusing as one adult being consistent over time. If you find yourself being inconsistent with boundary enforcing, then it’s quite likely that you need to cut back on the number you have, and ask yourself that question again “why do I feel the need to set this boundary?”. Inconsistent enforcing is a huge cause of increasingly problematic behaviour.

How Do You Enforce Them?
This is the one where people get confused the most I find. Because a lot of people think it’s not gentle to make a child cry. That’s just not true. Most of the time it’s impossible to reinforce a boundary without making the child cry. Similarly, sometimes you’ve just got to say “NO!”. Saying “no” and making the child cry often go hand in hand with boundary enforcing. The gentle part comes in when you set the boundaries (mindful and considerate) and in what you do when you enforce them.

Here are two examples of boundary enforcing. In both cases the scenario – and the boundary broken – is the same. The child in your care has hit another child.

Scenario One
“(screaming) Stop it!! How DARE you hit another child, what have I told you?”, “Get over there now, stay there for five minutes and think about what you’ve done, you naughty little boy”…..(child eventually quietens)….”I’ve told you not to hit, why don’t you ever listen? Stop crying – what are you crying for? You were the one who hit, it was your fault! If I can’t trust you we won’t come to the park again”

Scenario Two
(loudly) “STOP! I won’t let you hit!” (moves in to physically move the child away as quickly as possible)….(after you have moved the child away) “Remember, we don’t hit – it hurts people!”….(child inevitably cries)…….(following cues from child – stay at the distance they prefer)…”let me know if you’d like me to help you calm down, I’m right here”…(when the child is calm/has stopped crying)..”do you remember when we read the book about not hitting? Why don’t we do it?”….”What could you have done instead of hitting if you were feeling angry?”

Hopefully you can tell the difference between the two. Scenario one is very authoritarian, yes, it upholds the boundary – but completely ignores the fact that children hit for a reason. The adult misses the cause of the behaviour and as a result, any resulting discipline is fairly ineffective. The child is left to deal with their upset alone and punished by being excluded from their carer – and then further punished by not being taken to the park again.

In scenario two – the boundary is enforced, but it’s done in a way that is considerate to the child, understands that there is always a reason behind ‘misbehaviour’, seeks to teach the child how to behave better and reconnects and supports the child while they cry.

In this scenario – ie your child hitting another, unless you distract from the hitting (before it happens) there is no way to enforce this boundary without making the child cry. Crying is not the problem – it’s what you do when the child cries that matters. The key is to stay calm, stay consistent, stay connected and once everyone is calm – and capable of listening – use the opportunity to communicate and reinforce not only why the boundary is important – but more appropriate ways to behave in the future – ie to allow learning and growth to happen – this is the true meaning of discipline! This is what makes reinforcing boundaries gentle, not the absence of crying.

For more on boundaries – including what to do when parents and carers clash on them, check out my Gentle Discipline book (in the UK/ROIUSACanada and Rest of the World).

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When Good-Eater Babies Become Picky-Eater Toddlers.

Towards the end of babyhood, parents can often feel confident about their child’s eating. After any initial bumps in the weaning road, babies often take to eating solids with a gusto. It is common for parents to feel proud about their ‘good eater’, the babies with a good appetite who eat a large variety of food, but especially ones considered to be healthy.

By the time he had had his first birthday, my firstborn son was one of those ‘good eaters’. He would eat practically anything I put in front of him. I remember feeling particularly proud one evening when he ate a whole bowl of sardines, sweet potato and spinach for dinner. Cooking for him was a joy, I would spend hours steaming organic vegetables that we had delivered as part of a box scheme from a local farm, and he would reward me with gummy smiles of appreciation. I felt like a good mum. I felt like I had this eating thing sorted. I didn’t understand why so many parents complained about their child’s eating. In fact, I believed that they had brought the problems upon themselves, by not offering their child a good range of different tastes and textures and instead pandering to their children. Oh, how wrong I was.

babyeat
Around two months after his first birthday, my ‘good eater’ son pretty much stopped eating. Foods he had previously wolfed down were left untouched, met with grimaces and tears. My easy baby with the good appetite was replaced with a tricky toddler who would only eat food if it was white, beige, yellow or brown, would only eat dry food (sauces were pushed away with disgust) and acted as if he was being poisoned if anything green went within an arm’s length of him. His appetite seemed to shrink in a reverse correlation with his growth. The bigger he got, the less he would eat. My baby with the hearty appetite and rolls of comforting fat was replaced by a skinny little boy with the appetite of a sparrow. I no longer felt like a good mum. In fact, I felt like a complete failure. Each day I felt as if I was failing my son, failing to keep him healthy, failing to provide him with the nutrients he needed to grow big and healthy.
pick1
Days out with friends, whose toddlers ate, became torture. Lunchtime would come and while their children ate whatever was put in front of them, my son would push a few raisins and a breadstick around his plate. The other mothers would try to placate me, “oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine, don’t worry”, but the more I tried not to worry, the more anxious and obsessed with his eating I became. I started to believe that he was doing it on purpose. I begged him to eat, I scolded him to eat, I bribed and rewarded him to eat, I spent hours trying to hide vegetables in food, I bought special cutlery with aeroplanes on and pretended to fly the spoon into his mouth, but nothing worked. He still didn’t eat.

eating
I only wish I had known then what I know now. It would have saved me and perhaps more importantly, my son, months of anguish and stress. You see, my son was entirely normal. Now, he is a big burly teenager, scraping six foot tall. He eats like a horse, even green foods and foods with sauces! What did I do to produce this miraculous change in eating habits? How did I turn my non-eating toddler into a healthy teen with a voracious appetite? In truth, I didn’t do anything. In fact, it was when I stopped trying to change him that the change happened. I relaxed and accepted his eating. The most powerful thing I did was to educate myself about eating in early childhood. Once I understood his eating, or rather lack of it, I could relax, which was possibly the most powerful thing I did. I hope that, through this book, I can bring the same comfort and peace to you too………….
This GentleEating_CR_Draftis a small excerpt from my new Gentle Eating Book – out now! 

To order in the UK/ROI click HERE

To order in Australia and New Zealand click HERE

To order anywhere else in the world click HERE

 

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