Helping Children With Low Self-Confidence


A lack of confidence can manifest in many different – and often unexpected – ways in children. At one extreme there’s the quiet, shy child who doesn’t take risks; at the other, there’s the child with challenging behaviour who doesn’t listen, has no attention span and tends to sabotage activities. It’s fairly easy to spot the first and to identify underlying confidence issues, but it can be harder with the second. These disruptive children may be labelled as ‘naughty’, even though their behaviour is an act of bravado, often masking an underlying confidence deficit and a lack of self-worth. 

Start as you mean to go on

The early months of life build the foundations on which confidence is built throughout the rest of the child’s life, and the foundations will be strong ones if the child is raised with secure attachments to her caregivers. When a child has a secure base to which she can return, she will tend to feel safe enough to explore the world increasingly independently. 

There is only one person who can develop confidence – the child herself. All we can do is to provide an environment in which it can be nurtured. If a child is not confident in new situations, forcing her into more of them will only serve to undermine her confidence. If she is fearful of certain activities or environments, ‘throwing her in at the deep end’ will invariably lead to sinking and damage to her confidence, rather than swimming. A key role for parents is to provide an environment in which the child feels safe and secure, and to provide a relationship that fosters confidence by allowing as much of an attachment as the child needs. Allow yourself to be led by your child. If you watch and listen closely, she will show the pace at which she is able to work. Progress can be slow initially, and you may question whether your child-led pace is actually hindering the child rather than helping. The child may appear to regress and seemingly lose confidence. This is in fact a good sign, as it’s showing that she’s trying to fulfil any unmet needs in order to be able to move forwards. Keep reminding yourself that she is behaving this way for a reason, and never be tempted to force her to do anything that she isn’t ready for.

Mistakes are good

When the child is ready to try something new, or perhaps re-try something she has not yet mastered, it’s important to allow her to make mistakes. It might be tempting to help the child by instructing her, or finishing tasks that are frustrating her, but these can both serve to undermine confidence. Here, the role of the parent is to sit with the child’s frustration and provide her with a sense of self-belief. If she is struggling to complete a jigsaw puzzle, then the best way to foster her confidence is to contain her frustration by telling her that jigsaws can be hard, but if she keeps trying, you are sure she’ll do it in time. It’s important that children are allowed to make mistakes, from falling over when learning to walk, to not being able to fit a shape in the shape sorter. These mistakes are inevitable and an important lesson for children to learn in their urge for mastery. It is when they successfully navigate these problems without our input that their confidence in themselves will start to build.
 

Intrinsic motivation

What should you do, then, when the child achieves something she has previously found difficult? Conventional wisdom would be to reward her handsomely, with verbal praise and ‘well done’ stickers. Rewards such as these, however, can, ironically undermine confidence. If the child is intrinsically motivated to do something – that is, if she is internally driven to do something for no reason other than because she wants to – research shows that she is more likely to be successful. Psychologists have shown if she is rewarded for the completed task, she will actually be less likely to complete it in the future. Praise and stickers foster extrinsic motivation – they encourage the child to do something to get a reward, meaning that the child feels good because of the reward, not because of herself. If we want to encourage confidence, the rewards should always be internal ones. See HERE for more on the problems with stickers and rewards. A sense of mastery, pride, achievement and a sense of self-worth. Instead of ‘Good girl’ or ‘Well done’, it’s better to ask the child “You did it – how do you feel?” or “Do you feel proud of yourself now?” See HERE for more on effective praise.

Don’t focus on the results

On a similar note, it’s also important to not be results-focused. A child who has unsuccessfully tried to do her coat buttons up every day for three months is, in many ways, more of an achiever than the child who learnt to do it after only two days. The first child has been dedicated to the task at hand, which is deserving of recognition. Praising children for something they find easy can actually undermine their confidence, especially when they eventually try something more difficult and find that the praise does not flow as it did before. Focusing on their efforts is much more productive. “I can see you’re working so hard on those buttons – they are tricky aren’t they? You’re so determined though, I know you’ll do it soon.”  

As a parent, you are a role model for your children. They will look to you to decide how to behave and react in certain situations. It is therefore important that you keep confidence in yourself. If you fail at something, don’t say, “Oh, I’m so stupid”. Instead, say “I’ve tried so hard to do this. I’m sure I’ll do it one day soon, but today isn’t the day.” Your children need to see you try and fail as much as they need to see you succeed. They need to know that you make mistakes, just like them, and they need to see you be easy on yourself when you do. In many ways, working to raise children’s confidence is as much about raising your own as it is theirs!

Lay the foundations

10 ways to boost a child’s confidence…

1. Allow them to make mistakes
Don’t complete a task they are finding hard for them

2. Avoid rewarding achievements
Instead, focus on how the child feels about them

3. Focus on the effort
– not the achievement

4. Allow them to initiate and lead play
The sense of control will boost their confidence

5. Give as much one-to-one time as possible
Building attachments is vital

6. Help them to realise that nobody is perfect
Making mistakes is part of everyday life.

7. Recognise all personalities are different
Introverts can often be mistaken as having low self-confidence.

8. Lose the labels 
There is no such thing as ‘clumsy, ‘naughty’, ‘clever’ or ‘good’.

9. Be careful about self-image
– yours and theirs.

10. Be a good role model

Get confident yourself!


For more on children with low self-confidence and low self-esteem and how this effects their behaviour (and how you can help) see my Gentle Discipline Book (available in the UKUSACanada and rest of the world).

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

When to Expect Positive Change when Working on your Child’s Sleep (or sleep training)

Working with baby and child sleep is like doing a jigsaw puzzle that has some missing pieces, some placed in the wrong position and a handful of extra pieces from another puzzle that don’t belong thrown in for good measure. Some children need all seven steps to be implemented consistently for them to sleep as soundly as possible, while others require only one or two smaller changes. Irrespective of how many you use, it is important that you give each one time to work. I always ask parents I work with to allow at least six, preferably eight, weeks of doing something consistently before they try to assess progress. When you start to work with sleep it’s common for it to regress initially, all that change often means it gets worse temporarily, sometimes quite considerably so. Add to this life happens; babies teethe, toddlers catch colds, you move house, go on holiday, new babies arrive and so on. Every time something changes in a child’s life their sleep inevitably nose dives. Then you can have a long slog with no results and too many parents give up too soon, thinking that their efforts aren’t working and rush onto the next option. It is so important to be consistent, stick at what you’re doing and try to think of progress as a long-term thing.

If I could draw you a chart showing what to expect when you start to work with sleep,
it would look a little like this:

The same up and down timeframe is true of nap drops. Many parents mistakenly think their child isn’t ready to drop a nap, because when they try, the child becomes very upset, overtired, grouchy and struggles to get to bedtime. Often nap drops result in difficult nights too, with more waking than usual, or much earlier morning waking. These are all normal and not signs that dropping a nap is a bad idea. Nap drops create temporary sleep deprivation while the child’s body clock takes time to reset and get used to running on te new timings, until this point their sleep and behaviour will likely be very tricky. Don’t be confused that this indicates dropping a nap is a bad idea, it will take at least a month until you will be able to analyse the impact of the nap drop and your child’s sleep will ultimately improve.

Gentle techniques take time to work. Please don’t try something once or twice (or in isolation) and think ‘Oh, that doesn’t work’, before giving up on it. expect your efforts to take a minimum of six to eight weeks to see good results. Expect it to get worse (or at least no better) initially and expect to feel like giving up when you don’t see quick results. You are working for a long-term positive change to your child’s sleep, not just to improve it in the short term, but to set them up with good sleep habits for life. That all takes time and a lot of consistency on your part.

For more ways to improve your baby, toddler or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT conventional cry based sleep training, check out the brand new updated edition of The Gentle Sleep Book.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Parenting through Covid Restrictions

As the new year brings further Covid restrictions, the following 8 tips may help a little if you’re currently struggling:

1. Lower your Expectations of Yourself
Forget the new year resolutions, forget elaborate home schooling plans, craft projects, diet overhauls and new exercise plans. It’s OK to just survive right now. You don’t need to do more than that. If you’ve read any of my books you’ll know I love Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (I think it’s in at least 3 of my books).

This sets out what we need, as humans, to survive and thrive. With the most basic (but important) needs sitting at the base of the pyramid. If these most basic needs are not met, then it’s impossible to move on to the next stage. Right now we are ALL in survival mode. The current pandemic means we’re all sitting in the bottom two layers – those of meeting our basic physiological and survival needs. It means we’ve likely all taken a knock to our self esteem and we’re probably all struggling with our feelings, relationships with others and motivation and drive – and that’s OK! We’re doing exactly what we should be doing. You really don’t need to be super Insta mum. It’s OK that you’re not producing innovative messy play ideas everyday. It’s OK to lose your temper (just apologise to your child after!) and it’s OK to be thoroughly sick of the current situation.

2. Lower your Expectations of your Child
Adults are struggling right now – but so are children. Things have changed immensely for them and no two months are the same – parents are at home who are usually at work, some keyworkers are working more, others are trying to focus on home working *and* parenting at the same time. Old routines have gone out of the window. The world is a scary place to children right now (and that’s without them overhearing Coronavirus talk, from you or the TV). What happens when children are so unsettled? Their behaviour regresses. The most common regressions are those in sleep (expect more bedtime resistance and night waking, plus refusing to sleep independently), toileting (expect big regressions in potty training, more accidents and poo withholding – this is both a brilliant and terrible time to potty train!) and eating (expect more picky eating, obsessions of certain foods, refusal of meals and trickier table manners). Behaviour becomes unpredictable, with lots of big feelings and tantrums (and more violent behaviour – e.g kicking/hitting/throwing/biting). Some children will start to speak in a baby voice, others will become incredibly clingy and may favour one parent to the almost total exclusion of the other. This is all NORMAL given the current situation. It’s transient too…..what your children need right now is buckets of understanding and empathy, not strict discipline or sleep training. It’s really hard for us, but it’s so much harder for them!

3. Understand that Everyone is Struggling
I will admit I quite enjoyed the first lockdown. I’m an introvert, so happy to not be around others. It was lovely to have my teens all home (it’s rare we’re all in one place) and my husband off work. We pottered around the garden and fixed things in our home that had been on our ‘to do’ list for ages.  Slowly though my family started to really irritate me, I got cabin fever, the gloss wore off of the new normal. Now (like everybody else) I’m thoroughly sick of the whole situation. Of course, it’s not just me feeling like this – the rest of my family are too and that results in some major bickering. Even if it feels like you’re the only one struggling at the moment, I can guarantee you that you’re not. Everybody is in some way or another. We really need to talk about our feelings more, especially during a global pandemic!.

4. Keep a Routine
I refer you to point 2. Perhaps the most important thing you can do parenting wise, after empathising and easing up on yourself, is to keep to a routine, especially if your children are having to miss school or nursery. Covid has meant a huge relaxation in routines, particularly at bedtime. The more of a routine you can keep the better. Don’t let bedtime slide and don’t let the bedtime routine be replaced by screens – however shattered you feel (this time with your child at bedtime is so important), keep to a regular wake time. Get up and get everyone dressed. Have a routine for meals that you stick to. Consider creating a rough plan for the day – e.g: a walk before lunch, TV after lunch (before school work if your child is school age) and games after dinner. This predictability really helps children to feel more settled (and will ultimately help you to). These aren’t strict routines I’m talking about, no timetabling the day (unless that helps you), just rhythm and flow.

5. Find a Way to Offload Your Feelings
I’m not going to suggest self-care here (though it would be great wouldn’t it?), as I think it’s pretty unrealistic right now. Self-care to me right now just looks like being kind to myself. What you do really need though is a way to offload. When I run workshops I always talk about containment – the idea that as a parent you need to ‘hold’ your emotions and your child’s and you need enough empty space in your emotional container to be able to do this. If your container is full with stress, worry and big feelings then you simply won’t have space to contain your child’s emotions too and you (and they) will explode. You must make space, let those feelings out – have a good moan – to clear a gap. This could be a long phone call or video call (is anyone else THOROUGHLY sick of Zoom?) to a friend or family member who ‘gets it’, you could write your thoughts down in a journal, or you’re welcome to come and moan in my Facebook discussion groups (UK one HERE, Rest of World HERE – just say “Sarah sent me” as a reply to all questions).

6. Embrace Screen Time
Yes, seriously – don’t be afraid of it. Remember, we’re in the bottom 2 layers of Maslow’s pyramid at the moment, anything that helps you to survive is good in my book. Of course, it would be better if the screen time had some restrictions, but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. If that’s a whole day of the TV on, so that you don’t end up screaming at your children, that’s OK! Read more of my thoughts on screen time HERE

7. Don’t Worry Too Much About Your Child’s Education
It’s OK if you take a break from the worksheets if your child is struggling. You don’t have to turn into a teacher overnight. Learning doesn’t just look like formal books and lessons. Learning happens when you go on your walk and find a snail and talk about the shape of its shell. Learning happens when you bake a brownie and your child helps to weight the ingredients. Learning happens when you watch trains, or planes, or elephants, or the Titanic programmes on TV. Learning happens with Lego and cardboard box dens. Learning happens in everyday conversations with you. Don’t underestimate your impact. Teachers will know how to help children when they go back to school and they will work hard to plug any gaps and online learning has hugely improved since the first lockdown. I personally would not be stressing about my child’s education right now. 

8. Try to Consume Important Nutrients
I’m not talking about trying to revolutionise your diet, or lose weight (ignore those new year diet adverts!) or anything else that really irritates me about the current crisis. I’m talking about basic nutrients that can really impact on how you feel. The biggies here (when it comes to mental health) are MagnesiumOmega 3 and the B vitamins. Look at your microbiome too, a good probiotic may be in order. Vitamin D is also really important, especially if you’re not getting much sun. Aiming to get all your nutrients from food is the best approach, but if not – then look for a good quality supplement (I personally use Solgar, Better You and BioKult – note: I have no relationship with any of these companies, they are genuinely what I use, I’m only mentioning brands here because I’ll have people contacting me asking what I use if I don’t!).

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Why We Need To Stop Calling Children “Naughty”

What’s the problem with calling children “naughty”?

Labelling children helps nobody, least of all the child. The words we use about children can and do change the way we think about them. If we call a child, or their behaviour, naughty enough we will start to see them that way, which changes the way we subconsciously treat them. The result? We can encourage more of the undesired behaviour, because we are constantly on alert for it.

What effect does this labeling have on a child? Do you remember when you were a child and somebody called you something derogatory? Perhaps they called you clumsy, said you had two left feet, told you that you were slow, or implied you weren’t clever. Did it have an impact on your self esteem and confidence? Perhaps you avoided sport, or dancing, or perhaps you believed that you weren’t good at something so didn’t try. The words we use about (and to) our children underline their self-belief system. If they believe they are naughty you create a nocebo effect. They start to behave in naughty ways simply because that’s what they believe is expected of them.

The biggest problem with the term though, is that it does children a huge disservice by not uncovering the real cause of the difficult behaviour. No child *wants* to ‘be naughty’. They are ‘naughty’ because they are struggling with something and can’t behave any better at that moment in time. Motivation isn’t a problem, so punishing them when they’re ‘naughty’, or rewarding them when they’re ‘good’ won’t help, but it could make behaviour worse by treating it so superficially.

So, what is underlying ‘naughty’ behaviour? Fear, anxiety, anger, grief, trauma, confusion, frustration, needing connection, tiredness, hunger, neurological capabilities….so many big feelings and needs that are missed when we write a behaviour off as ‘naughty’. Try to drop the word ‘naughty’ from your vocab and instead, ask yourself “what does my child need? what is causing them to behave this way?” – I promise it will revolutionise your parenting and your connection with your child (and in turn – their behaviour!).

For more on understanding – and changing – child behaviour, check out my ‘Gentle Discipline Book’ available in the UK and the USA

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

How to Choose Your Child’s First School (When You Can’t Visit Due to Covid)

September to December usually brings lots of hustle and bustle with open days and evenings held at schools for potential new students. Applications for new places are due within the next few weeks and months (depending on where you live in the world and whether you are using state or private education). Regardless of where you are however, one thing is the same: The likelihood that these important visits to potential schools have been curtailed because of Covid 19. How do you choose the right setting then, if you haven’t ever set foot in it? This article gives some tips on how to know what school is right for your child despite the current circumstances and includes a list of suggested questions you may want to ask the staff, taken from my ‘The Starting School Book’.

How to choose a school without visiting:

1. Responses are Revealing
The school’s response to the current circumstances is incredibly revealing. In fact, I’d argue that it’s even more reflective of the school than visiting. School visits can often give a superficial feel of a school. You’re seeing them at their polished best, which is not always a good indicator of what they are really like. Check out the offerings from the school, are they embracing new technology? Are they innovating? Are they putting time into making the experience as user friendly as possible for you? Are they flexible with contact? A school’s willingness to adapt to the situation and to meet the needs of potential new school starter’s parents is a good indicator of the relationship they will have with you in the future. 

2. Videos and Lives
Without the ability to visit in person, a video tour of the school is definitely second best. I wouldn’t judge the quality of the video, a shaky one taken on a hand-held smart phone is fine, schools aren’t better if they’ve hired a professional videographer! (I’d rather see that money spent on the children!). What you’re looking for is passion and enthusiasm for sharing the school. I would give brownie points for a live tour over a recorded video too, especially a live that enabled parents to ask questions. Video is a must in my opinion, as in one where you can ask to be shown certain areas of the school that are usually missed out of video tours – for instance changing rooms and toilets (watch for how these are decorated and how child friendly they appear).

3. Email or Telephone Access to Staff and Governors
In a normal year, you can probably ask most of your questions during an open day or evening. This year that’s obviously not possible. Look for schools who encourage you to contact the school leadership team and ask questions, by telephone or email. Do bear in mind that this needs to be balanced with the school day and the workload that brings, so don’t judge on their response time, but rather their willingness to answer your questions (even if it takes two weeks).

4. Real Parent Feedback
If you’re not already a member of a local discussion group, join one now and ask if parents would be happy to share their experience of the schools with you (virtually). Do keep in mind that you will get a lot of extreme viewpoints here – those who rave about the school and those who rubbish it. I tend to ignore the extreme opinions and look for those in the middle. 

5. Look at Official Scores and Rankings (with a pinch of salt).
Yes, these inspections, ranks and scores quantify schools a little, but they are so limited in what they cover. They can’t tell you how passionate staff are, how happy children are, how well YOUR child will do there and what the sense of community is like. For school in the early years these things matter FAR FAR more than official inspection scores, rankings and so on. I personally ignored these when choosing school for my own children. Don’t let your choice be led by these alone. Points 1-4 are so much more important.

Questions to Ask Potential Schools:

*Do you enjoy working here?
*What are you most proud of about your school?
*What do you think the school could be better at?
*Do you have any plans to improve certain things in the future?
*What is the biggest challenge your school is facing at the moment?
*How do you cope with difficult, or unwanted, behaviour from children?
*What is your view on rewarding children for good behaviour, or for attendance?
*What is your view on starting age for summer born children?
*How do you help settle an anxious starter?
*What do you do if a child is very upset at school?
*How do you deal with friendship issues and bullying?
*Do you have a peer mentor, or buddy scheme? (pairing older children with new starters)
*What sport and physical activity do children do?
*What are your school lunches like? Can I see a typical week’s menu?
*How much time do children spend outside every day? How does this change as
they get older?
*How much time do children spend sitting still and learning? (e.g. at a table, or at a computer)
*What is the school library like?
*What does an average school day look like?
*What opportunities are there for children who like art, music and drama?
*What is your SEND and pastoral care provision like?
*What do you offer for ‘gifted’ children, or high achievers?
*What support do you provide for children who struggle academically?
*What is your view on standard assessments?
*What are the school values, or ethos?
*What is the school’s opinion of homework? When does it get set, how much and what sort of thing?
*What is your teacher retention rate like? How long have your current staff been here for?
*Do you have an ‘open door policy’ if parents have any concerns?
*Do you know how many siblings of current pupils will be applying this year?
*How many children are in an average class? If this is a larger number, how do
you make sure they each get the individual attention they need?
*What clubs and extra-curricular activities do you run?
*What do you think parents would say about the school?
*What do you think pupils would say about the school?
*Do you think your current official rating is a good reflection of the school? If not, why?
*Does your school have an active PTA?
*What opportunities do you have for parents to get involved with the school?
*Do you offer school trips and visits? If so, can you let me know what they have been in the past?

Questions Specific to Covid:
* How are you keeping children safe at the moment?
* How are you ensuring that children’s mental health is not damaged by the current restrictions?
* If Covid restrictions are still in place next Summer (or Winter if you’re in Australia/NZ), how do you plan to run settling in sessions and the transition for new starters?
 

Don’t feel embarrassed by asking too many questions, but do bear in mind that most are incredibly stretched and although they may want to spare you the time to answer all of your questions as thoroughly as possible, it may just not be possible and certainly not within a very quick time frame.



If your child is starting school soon and you would like to learn how to choose the best school, how to prepare them (and you), or know how to settle your child into their school, then my new ‘The Starting School’ book will be perfect for you! You can learn more and order HERE in the UK or HERE in the rest of the world.



Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Losing Heart with Gentle Parenting? Look for the Glimmers!

Have you been questioning your parenting style recently? I think lockdown has resulted in a lot of navel gazing for many of us. The combination of more free time (for some – I know not all, thank you to those of you working hard through this!) and more time spent at home with our children means 1. a lot more difficult behaviour and 2. a lot more time to spend second-guessing ourselves and our choices parenting wise. I bet many who try to follow a more gentle and mindful style of parenting are thinking “this just isn’t working” right now and are thinking of introducing more authoritarian methods of behaviour control (such as time out, naughty steps, sleep training and stickers/bribery).

glim

The thing is – they won’t work either. At least not for long. Mainstream methods can produce quick fix results, but they create many problems in the long run. Sleep training without taking time to make the child feel secure and working to optimise their life with sleep in mind (diet, environment, routines and timings – as is my approach) may get you a few nights of ‘sleeping through’ (note – they aren’t really sleeping through, just no longer signalling wakes), however because sleep training is naive to the causes of the waking/need for you, in the long term it actually makes sleep worse (I can’t tell you the amount of people I work with in private consults who come to me with a toddler who was sleep trained as a baby who now has serious sleep issues!). Similarly, bribing a child with stickers/sweets/toys etc.. may get you temporary compliance, but you’ll need to keep going with those rewards (and increase their value), otherwise when you stop, so will your child’s compliance. Finally, ignoring/shouting/chastising/excluding may temporarily shock a child into compliance, it does nothing to consider the causes of their behaviour (often, just immature neural development – ie age appropriate!) and therefore nothing to resolve it. That ‘bad behaviour’ is going to keep coming back and back again and it often escalates. What I’m saying is, when you’re at rock bottom and questioning your gentle methods, I know how tempting it is to slip into a mainstream authoritarian style with its alluring quick fixes, but those quick fixes come at a price.  The trouble with mindful and gentle parenting is the price comes at the beginning (and it’s you that pays it – with your time and patience and often exhaustion), but the results – when they come – are long lasting (positively so!) and wonderful.

Right now, I know it’s tough and many are questioning their choices, but if there’s one biggest mistake I find parents make again and again with gentle parenting, it’s that they expect too much, too quickly. It takes time for results and by ‘time’ I mean months and years, categorically not days and weeks! All your effort isn’t in vain, but it works in baby steps, not giant leaps. You are putting in so much groundwork even when you think your efforts are having no impact. What you do matters, even when your child still wakes just as much, still tantrums just as much, still refuses to eat anything but beige food or still hits just as much. Expect positive change, but don’t expect it tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. I love the picture I’ve used to illustrate this article, as I think it describes the journey of gentle parenting so well.

So, how do you get through the days if you don’t see change in them? Look for the glimmers. Those tiny sparks of hope – and tiny they may well be! Tiny glimpses into the future. That one night when your child slept 4hours in a row. That day when your son stroked his baby sister on the head when she cried. That day your daughter ate a whole piece of broccoli. That day your eight year old volunteered to help you set the table for dinner. The day your teen gave you a hug after you lost your temper at them, but then apologised. These glimmers give us hope. Grasp them and keep them safe in your memory, so that you can use them to reassure you the next time you question what you’re doing. Remember – your baby is still going to act like a baby, your toddler is still going to act like a toddler, your preschooler is still going to act like a preschooler, your pre-teen is still going to act like a pre-teen and your teen is still going to act like a teen WHATEVER you do, because that’s all their physiology and psychological development allows. Your efforts aren’t wasted, they are working – but you need to adjust your expectations for what ‘working’ means. Until then, look for the glimmers……

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Keeping Calm When Your Child Loses Control

Do you struggle with controlling your own emotions when your child is struggling to control theirs?

calm
The next time your child behaves in an undesirable way, some of the very best advice I can give you is to pause, put a space between your child’s behaviour and your response to them. Take time to think about your goals and respond in a mindful way.

The acronym SPACE denotes five steps toward effective, gentle discipline:

  • Stay calm
  • Proper expectations
  • Affinity with your child
  • Connect and contain emotions
  • Explain and set a good example

Let’s look at each of the steps in turn:

Stay Calm
When your child pushes your buttons and you feel yourself getting stressed or angry, you should absolutely not discipline him until you are calm. Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and slowly exhale. Repeat as often as necessary until you can think more clearly. Sometimes you have to give yourself a ‘time out’. That is, move away from your child temporarily, so that you can think more clearly.

Proper Expectations
You wouldn’t punish a fish for not being able to walk or a cat for not being able to talk. Yet many authoritarian discipline methods punish kids simply for being kids, without an acknowledgment of their age-appropriate level of brain development. Before you respond to your child’s actions, ask yourself, “Does she understand what she has done? Could she have controlled it? Does she have the brain development to do better?” If the answer is no, your response is likely to be very different.

Affinity with Your Child
Gentle discipline requires you to separate your dislike of your child’s behavior from your feelings toward the child him- or herself. Too many parents mix up the behavior and the child. Your child remains the same one whom you love dearly, no matter what he has done. Having an affinity with someone means that you have an essential connection and an understanding of each other. It is this understanding, this empathy, that will aid you in disciplining your child gently. Hold on to it, whatever your child has done. Remind yourself of how much you love him, and try to view his actions from his perspective. Ask yourself why he did what he did. And how is he feeling right now? This will not only help you to understand his actions but also to solve the problem and discipline appropriately, as well as to stay calm.

Connect and Contain Emotions
At all ages, children need their parents to guide them and help them to manage their feelings. We have a level of brain development that they simply don’t have, even as teenagers and early twentysomethings. We are mature enough to “hold” some of our child’s big feelings as well as our own, to help them to calm down. Of course, in order to do this, we have to look after ourselves too. The secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it’s how we manage them that matters. Until your child learns how to manage her emotions, it is your role to externally manage them, while leading him or her in the direction of self-control.To contain your child’s feelings, you must connect with her.Your compassion and support will guide her toward becoming the person you hope she will be. The best discipline happens when you work as a team.

Explain and Set a Good Example
This stage can happen only when both you and your child are calm and well connected. One of the main reasons that discipline fails is because of a lack of one of these, or sometimes both.
Explaining should be age appropriate. Your communication with your child needs to be at a level that he can understand, and often discipline falls short here too. Think carefully about how you will communicate. It isn’t just your words that matter, but how you say them too. Your child is watching you just as much as he’s listening to you. If you shout, you indicate to him that not only is shouting OK but it’s what he should do when he’s angry with someone or when somebody does something that he doesn’t like. If your child hits someone, the very last thing you should do is hit him in the name of discipline. If you do, your example shows him that hitting is OK, and that it’s a good way to resolve differences and conflict. Your explanation and example should show your child, clearly, how to handle situations. After all, as we’ve said, the best teachers lead by example. The same is true for discipline.

Putting SPACE between your child’s actions and your discipline allows you to focus on your true goal—that of teaching her to do and be better. Of course, your teachings need to be flexible. All children are unique and all situations, even with the same child, are unique. Working with SPACE should put you on the right track.

This is a small excerpt from my Gentle Discipline Book. Available in paperback, e-book and audio download from the following retailers:

In the UK
In Canada
In the USA
In Australia and New Zealand

Sarah

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You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Helping Children with Anxiety, when Returning to – or Starting – School

The following is a small excerpt from my ‘The Starting School Book’ that I thought was very relevant now for those of you worried about your children returning to, or starting, school soon:

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1.     Listen and observe

Find a good time to speak with your child about any worries they have about school. Often bedtime is the time they will open up the most, after you have read a story and tucked them in. Ask your child to think about things that make them feel sad, or angry, or make them have an uncomfortable feeling in their tummy. Observing them is as important as what they say too, watch what they do in the playground at drop off and pick up time.

2.     Empathise and Support

Whatever your child tells you, you should remember to validate their feelings. Something may sound trivial to you, but it isn’t to your child. Don’t say “don’t be silly”, or “you’ll be OK”. This sort of toxic positivity is not helpful to them and may make them clam up and not confide in you in the future. Help your child to see that you understand and that they are safe to tell you anything without reprimand or belittling. Some appreciate a hug and physical closeness for support, some prefer their own space, some like to be distracted (after the talk) with play, others prefer to just sit quietly with you, respond however you feel is instinctively best for your child. Above all else, it’s important for them to know that you’re on their side.

 

3.     Make an action plan

Together with your child, brainstorm any activities, props or plans that may help them. Request a meeting with the school  (virtually is probably most feasible at the moment) and discuss your concerns and suggestions with them and ask if they have any other ideas (remember, they are very experienced at dealing with anxious children). Ask if you can have another meeting to review in a few days, or a week. Things you could consider here include: starting, or staying, part-time, flexi-schooling, slightly earlier or later drop off times, coming home for lunch if you are at home and live nearby.
4.     Focus on the positives and your child’s growth mindset

Help your child to see that it isn’t school as a whole that is scary but instead there are certain aspects they are struggling with. This doesn’t mean that school itself is bad, or that they will always be unhappy there. Spend some time talking about the things at school that they do enjoy, or are looking forward to, with them and focus on building excitement and happiness on these points. If they tell you that they don’t like anything once started, then ask their teachers to let you know what they have enjoyed throughout the day, so that you can bring it up with them. Finally, empower your child by helping them to realise that anxiety isn’t all bad, it’s a sign that they care about themselves and their brain is trying to prevent them from getting into danger. The problem is that sometimes, in trying to keep us safe, our brains over-react a little and make us very fearful of situations that aren’t as scary as we first think. Help them to reframe the anxiety into a sort of magic power, a bit like their favourite super-hero. It is strong because it wants to run quickly and hide or fight to protect us, but although the super-hero is cool, they sometimes do the wrong thing at the wrong time. Encourage your child to talk to their anxiety super-hero and say, “hey buddy, thank you for trying to protect me, but everything is OK right now”. They can imagine themselves shaking hands with ‘Captain Anxiety’ (or whatever else they want to name him or her) and saying “it’s OK, I’ve got this. I don’t need you right now” and telling it to go away. If your child likes drawing or painting you can even encourage them to paint a picture of Captain Anxiety so that they can picture them more easily and visualise saying goodbye when they need to.

 

5.     Check-in regularly

Even if the anxiety seems short-lived, make sure that you check-in with how your child is feeling regularly. School anxiety can often ebb, and flow and you may be lulled into a false sense of security once one episode has passed. Scheduling in special chats regularly can help you to keep on top of things, before they escalate. It also helps your child to feel supported and know that you are interested in how they feel, which in turn makes them more likely to open up to you.

 

6.     Provide a safe haven at home

Home should be your child’s safe haven. Often school anxiety can materialise in very difficult behaviour at home. When children are at home they should feel safe from anything that worries them at school. It should be a place for them to relax and feel comfortable enough to be themselves, so reign in a little on the discipline and take some time to work on ways to keep yourself calm. Remind yourself they are not deliberately giving you a hard time; they are acting this way because they are having a hard time. This also includes focusing on your own beliefs and behaviours, remember they are catching! If you are highly anxious about your child at school, or are really struggling with the transition, they will very likely pick up on your feelings. Do whatever you need to do (and sometimes you need more than simple self-care, sometimes speaking to a counsellor or therapist is incredibly useful) to present that calm, confident and reassuring presence your child needs from you.
The following practical tips can be particularly helpful for children with separation anxiety:

·        Draw a heart on your hand, on your palm, and draw another heart on their palm, in the same position as the one on yours. Hold your hands up to each other, palm to palm and tell your child that you will always be connected, that there will always be a little bit of you in them and vice versa and that the heart is a reminder of this. Tell them that when they are missing you, they should touch the heart on their hand and remember that you and they are connected and will always come back together again.

·        Find some embroidery thread (something stronger than regular cotton), in a colour your child loves. Unravel the thread and tie one end around their wrist, like a bracelet, then tie the other end around your wrist, in another bracelet style. There will be a long-connected piece of thread between you. Don’t cut it just yet. Tell your child, these bracelets connect us, just like they do right now, with this thread joining me to you. Then, cut the thread and say, “we may not be joined by the thread anymore, but when we wear these bracelets it is always a reminder of our connection and how we are always joined, even if we are not together.” Encourage them to touch the bracelet and think about that joining thread when you are apart, and they are feeling sad.

·        Make some ‘bravery spray’. Use a little, travel size, spray bottle and fill it with water and a drop of food colouring in their favourite colour, add some edible glitter too for extra magic. Blow some kisses into the mixture before adding the top. Then explain that if they are feeling scared when they are away from you, all they must do is to spray one or two sprays into their mouth, or onto their body somewhere and the power of your kisses will help them to feel braver.

If you use one of these techniques, do make sure you make the teacher aware, so that they don’t confiscate the bravery spray, wipe off the heart mark, or tell the child to take their bracelet off.

If you’re looking for more tips about preparing your child for starting school this August or September, helping them to settle during their first year, or you are about to apply for your child’s first school place this year, then my ‘The Starting School Book’ is available in paperback, ebook and audiobook. Click HERE for the UK and HERE for the rest of the world.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Books for Helping Children Deal With Big Emotions

I’m often asked to recommend books to use with children to help them to understand and process emotions. Here are my top recommendations:

For General Emotions
For Under 7s
Children have strong feeling and they can’t always handle them very well. Perfect for sharing, How Are You Feeling Today? is packed with fun, imaginative ways to help children understand and cope with a whole range of different emotions. This delightful book gives parents the tools they need to help their child deal with those feelings – without it all ending in tears!

For Over 7s
Sometimes, emotions like anger or jealousy or excitement can seem too big to keep inside. Me and My Feelings is here to tell you: It’s okay to have big feelings. And the good news is, you can calm down those strong emotions-so you won’t feel like you’re going to explode!

For Anxiety
For Under 7s
A perceptive and poignant story that is a must-have for all children’s bookshelves. From Tom Percival’s bestselling Big Bright Feelings series, this is the perfect book for discussing childhood worries and anxieties, no matter how big or small they may be.

For Over 7s
This practical guide combines proven cognitive-behavioural therapy methods used by child psychologists in schools with simple activities to help your child to overcome anxiety. It’s aimed at children aged 7–11 because a lot happens in these years that can impact a child’s emotional well-being, not just now but for years to come.

For Anger
For Under 7s:

A CUTE STORY WITH A GREAT AND IMPORTANT MESSAGE

  • Explains that angry feelings come and go
  • Doing bad things doesn’t make you bad
  • A story is a good way to help children first recognize feelings
  • Learn to treat each other better as well as be more tolerating
  • Teaches us all that love and understanding make the difference
  • AND showers the power of a mother’s love

For Over 7s:
A Volcano in My Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger presents a clear and effective approach to helping children and adults alike understand and deal constructively with children’s anger. Using easy to understand yet rarely taught skills for anger management, including how to teach communication of emotions, A Volcano in My Tummy offers engaging, well-organized activities which help to overcome the fear of children’s anger which many adult care-givers experience.

For Self Esteem
For Under 7s
Even though Gilly the Giraffe has many wonderful things in her life, she sometimes lacks confidence. Why does she have to stand out so much with her long neck, her long black tongue and her mosaic patches? Why do some of the other animals point and laugh at her? Can it be possible to be different and to be cool? This activity book developed by expert child psychologist Dr Karen Treisman combines a colourfully illustrated therapeutic story about Gilly the Giraffe to help start conversations, which is followed by a wealth of creative activities for children to explore and build upon some of the ideas raised in the story, and beyond!

For Over 7s
This practical guide combines proven cognitive-behavioural therapy methods used by child psychologists in schools with simple activities to help your child grow their self-esteem. It’s aimed at children aged 7–11 because a lot happens in these years that can impact a child’s sense of self-worth, not just now but for years to come.

For Grief
For Under 7s
Badger is so old that he knows he must soon die, so he does his best to prepare his friends. When he finally passes away, they are grief-stricken, but one by one they remember the special things he taught them during his life. By sharing their memories, they realise that although Badger is no longer with them physically, he lives on through his friends. Celebrating the 35th anniversary of this quintessential and multi award-winning picture book about losing a loved one.

For Over 7s
The encouraging and simple activities and exercises tackle the feelings associated with grief, bereavement and family separation; children will enjoy using their creativity to combat negative feelings and work out how to cope with these emotions through writing, colouring, doodling and drawing.

For Separation Anxiety
For Under 7s
Parents, educators, therapists, and social workers alike have declared The Invisible String the perfect tool for coping with all kinds of separation anxiety, loss, and grief. In this relatable and reassuring contemporary classic, a mother tells her two children that they’re all connected by an invisible string.

For Over 7s
Hot air balloon pilots have wonderful adventures, where they get to see things they have never seen before and learn all about the world outside. Flying a hot air balloon sounds like a lot of fun to some kids. But for other kids, the idea of flying off on their own, away from their parents or homes, doesn’t sound like fun at all. If you feel scared when you do something alone or away from your parents, this book is for you! The latest addition to the popluar What-to-Do Guides for Kids series addresses separation anxiety

For Being Kind to Others 
For Under  7s
It’s never too soon for children to learn that violence is never okay, hands can do many good things, and everyone is capable of positive, loving actions.

In this bright, inviting, durable board book, simple words and full-color illustrations teach these important concepts in ways even very young children can understand.

For Over 7s

The Sunday Times Bestseller and New York Times Bestseller. A book of hope for uncertain times. Enter the world of Charlie’s four unlikely friends, discover their story and their most important life lessons.

For Parents Separating
For Under 7s
A little boy tries to find a pot of parent glue to stick his mum and dad back together. His parents have come undone and he wants to mend their marriage, stick their smiles back on and make them better.

But, as he learns, even though his parents’ relationship may be broken, their love for him is not.

For Over 7s
Zoe and Evan Stern know firsthand how it feels when your parents divorce. When their parents split they knew their lives would change but they didn’t know how. A few years later, when they were 15 and 13 years old, they decided to share their experience in this positive and practical guide for kids. With some help from their mom, Zoe and Evan write about topics like guilt, anger, fear, adjusting to different rules in different houses, dealing with special occasions like birthdays, adapting to stepparents and blended families, and much more.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Preparing Children for a House Move

I’m often asked for my top tips to help children with upcoming, or recent, house moves. Moving house is a major – stressful – life event for adults and is huge for children too. As with any big transition, you can expect a little unavoidable turmoil while your child gets used to the move, however there are plenty of things you can to do help prepare them and make the move go as smoothly as possible. Here are my ten top tips:
move
1. Get them involved right from the start
As soon as you start thinking about moving, discuss the idea with your child. Visit estate and letting agents/realtors with them, involve them with online house browsing and take them along to viewings. This all helps to normalise what will be happening and gives them a sense of ownership, long before the actual move is finalised.

2. Encourage them to sort through belongings long before move day
This is especially important if you’re hoping to de-clutter. Very often parents leave the sorting, selling, donating and trashing until the last few days before the move. However this loss of belongings can add to the trauma for some children. If you are going to get rid of some of their belonging, try to do so well in advance of the move.

3. Resist redecorating and new purchases
A lot of children are promised new bedroom furniture, curtains, bedding and decorations for their new rooms. This complete change is actually counter-productive for a lot of children. Having known, reassuring belongings in the new home can really help children to settle quicker. If you do want to buy new items for your child for the new house, try to buy them well before you move, so that they settle in with them in their current home. These can provide some security when moved to the new room. Even better, if the new room has the same paint colour or wallpaper.

4. Visiting and normalising
Make sure to visit your new home at least once (on the inside) with your child, but visit the outside as often as you can with them. When you do visit, have conversations about where things will go when you do live there and what their everyday life will be like in the new home. If you are moving to a new area, try to get your child used to it as much as possible in advance, visiting lots and getting to know local parks, coffee shops and so on. If it’s not possible to do this in person, then familiarise them as much as possible online, with pictures, virtual tours and google streetview.

5. Read books about moving and TV shows featuring house moves.
For younger children, sharing books about house moves can help them to understand the process more, as can TV shows. Some books suggestions are HERE and HERE and HERE. Videos that can help HERE  and HERE.

6. Fully explain the process of moving day
Moving day itself can be a scary experience for children. If possible, have them with you on the move day (it can be incredibly disorientating for them if they don’t get to see you leave the old house and move into the new one), but preferably with another adult on hand so that you can focus on the move knowing they are being cared for. Demystifying the process in advance is really helpful here – for instance, talk about people coming to help you to pack boxes and putting them in a removal van. Showing pictures of the removal van (perhaps on the website of the hire/removal company) is a great idea, as is pointing out any you see on your everyday travels. It can help to make a visual timetable of the day and what is likely to happen when, so that there are no unexpected surprises.

7. Take photos of your current/old home and add them to a special book
Children like to reminisce about their old homes for many years after moving (my eldest still talks about his old bedroom that we left 15 years ago!). Very often though we don’t take photographs of the rooms of the house before we move out. Taking photos of your current home, with all rooms and a garden if you have one, as well as photos of the outside can really help your child to settle. Store them in a special album and look through them together if they miss their old home. They make wonderful memories in the years to come too. Who wouldn’t love a photo of their childhood bedroom?

8. Encourage them to share their feelings and go easy on them
You can expect some tricky behaviour for several months after moving home. It is a huge unsettling event for many children. Try to remember this when your child won’t sleep, misbehaves or is difficult a month or two after the move. It takes them longer to transition than us. Encouraging your child to share their feelings about the move, before, during and after, can really help. Let them know you miss the old house too, but that you are looking forward to creating new happy memories with them in the new home.

9. Keep special toys and comfort items separately in a clearly marked box
The room your child sleeps in should be the first room you unpack in your new home. You need to fill this with as many familiar things as possible. For this reason, pack a couple of boxes with anything your child needs to sleep and feel calm and keep them with you – not in the removal truck – you will need to access this box first. It’s so important it doesn’t get mixed up with anything else. Similarly, if your child needs certain plates, cups and bowls etc.. to eat, make sure you keep these somewhere to hand.

10. It’s all about you
Moving house and the events leading up to it can be incredibly stressful for us as adults. This stress can – and often does – have a big impact on our own patience and tolerance levels. While a lot of this stress is unavoidable, perhaps one of the most powerful things you can do for your child when it comes to a house move is try to keep your own emotions in check. Be mindful of how you’re feeling and work to reduce as much stress as possible, so that you can be calm for your child. After all, it doesn’t matter how great your preparation has been if they are catching stress from you!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on FacebookTwitter and Instagram 

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.