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My Reply: . I think you just have to be open and honest. Make it clear that you are grateful for their help and are not being critical about your own upbringings at all, but - just like they probably did with their own parents - there are a few things that you would like to do a little differently with your own children. I think a good way to approach this is to talk about how much advice changes, because science moves on and professional bodies are constantly updating guidelines. Suggest that you have done a lot of reading and wonder if they would be interested in reading a book that summarises some of what you hope to do with their grandchild. My 'Gentle Parenting Book' is a good summary read of the basic gentle parenting principles (and evidence) from birth through to school age. . . Before the care starts, I'd also chat with them about your child's routines (putting together a few points on a 'childcare plan' - similar to a birth plan), specific things they do/don't like and things you've found to be helpful. It's important you frame this as a guide, not a rulebook, and 'sell' it as a way of helping them when you're not around if they have any questions, rather than 'you must do this and not do that' document! . Most importantly though, if you have chosen to trust your parents/in-laws with your child, I think it's important to do just that - trust them. Ultimately although it would be wonderful if they were totally on-board with gentle parenting and did everything in ways you prefer, what matters most is that your child is safe with them and loved by them. Everything else is kind of secondary. I think it's OK to have one or two hard boundaries (e.g: "please NEVER leave them to cry alone, always hug them and stay with them" could be one), but I think you also have to trust them to work things out on their own a little. Even if they care for your child Monday-Friday in regular working hours, your child will still spend more time with you. You are - and always will be - the major influence. . . . #AskSOS #gentleparenting #backtowork #grandparents #workingmum #sarahockwellsmith #parentingdilemma #childcare #daycare #attachmentparenting #peacefulparentingAre you currently 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 months pregnant with your 2nd baby? Or thinking about adding to your family of three? . My Second Baby Book is out in exactly three months today! . . It covers everything you need to know about pregnancy and birth with baby number two, plus how to prepare your firstborn and how to cope with life with two children (and your own emotions), in the early days and beyond! . It’s out March 7th in paperback, ebook and audio book. Click the link in my bio for more..... . . . #secondbaby #secondbirth #newbaby #babynumber2 #babynumbertwo #newbigbrother #newbigsister #2ndbaby #secondpregnancy #secondtimearound #secondtimemum #gentleparenting #attachmentparenting #sarahockwellsmith #mumlife #toddlerlife #siblings #siblingrivalry #vbac #hbac #birthtrauma #homebirth #positivebirth #birthplan #bigbrothertobe #bigsistertobe #newbabyannouncement #secondbabybookMy answer: . ‘Fourmonal' did make me smile. Sadly it isn't true though. So much behaviour is incorrectly blamed on hormones in childhood. Actually, at 4, hormones of both sexes are pretty much flat. It isn't until puberty (9 onwards), that you start to see a surge in the secretion of oestrogen & testosterone. We run the risk of doing children a great disservice if we blame their behaviour on hormones. . So, what happens at 4 then? So much! The biggy for most children is starting school. Some REALLY struggle and the transition can take a LOT longer than parents may think. A year or more to 'settle in' isn't uncommon. School also brings increased separation from parents, friendship difficulties, tiredness, exhaustion and difficulties eating and toileting to somebody else's schedule. . . What else? New siblings, parents changing jobs or going back to work. It's also the age when we start to worry they are 'clingy' if they still need cuddles to go to sleep at night, don't want to sleep on their own, or aren't too keen on playdates or different activities and clubs where they are away from their parents. 4 is all about independence - and some just aren't ready for it. 4 is an age of big feelings in a brain that can't yet fully process them. . What can you do? Stay patient, remind yourself she's still little. She can't do the sophisticated emotional stuff yet, she needs help with that. Connection and communication by the bucket load, lots of time with you (away from siblings), reassurance that all feelings are OK, teaching on how to best handle those that are so big they feel overwhelming. Be her advocate if she's at school. Cut back on scheduled activities and enjoy more play together. Help her feel good about the things she accomplishes (and the things she tries to accomplish, even if she doesn't quite manage it). Help her to know she is loved just as she is. Listen to everything she says to you, even if it seems insignificant (it won't be to her), ask yourself what is underlying her behaviour - what does she need? Communicate, connect & contain - be her sounding board & safe place. . . . #asksos #sarahockwellsmith #gentleparenting #positiveparenting #fouryearsoldI often meet dads who describe hours of trying to soothe a crying baby or trying to get a toddler to sleep. They tell me “s/he will only settle for mum, I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Does s/he just love me less?" . This is understandably upsetting. Dad can often feel as if their attachment to their child is somehow poorer than that between child and mother. They worry that things will always be this way and feel somewhat hopeless, unable to give the mother a break as they cannot settle the child as she can. . But....This is normal, in fact it's common and it will pass. Dad has done nothing wrong. The primary attachment in the first three years of life is almost always with mum. The baby has known mum for 9 months longer than anybody else, that's quite a head start on attachment! Also, if the baby is breastfed they will see mum as their world, the provider of food, drink, warmth, safety and security. As wonderful and loving as dad is, it is totally understandable that the initial relationship won't be the same. This won't last forever though, as the child grows and the reliance on 'the boob' lessens so their attachment will grow with other people, especially dad. In the years to come it is highly likely that father and child will be 'as thick as thieves' and it is mum who will be on the outside looking in. This initial super strong attachment with mum though is totally normal and healthy. . . What happens if mum needs to go out and dad needs to do nap or bedtime? I think changing the goal posts here is important. Dad's goal shouldn't be to ‘stop the crying’, it should be ‘to support while crying’. It’s OK that your child cries, it's not OK that they cry alone. It's a big deal for dads to hold a crying baby, or sobbing toddler who needs their mum. His hold tells them "it's OK, you're not alone, I'm here and I love You too. I know you miss your mum, but I am strong enough to cope with your tears and support you until she is back.” We know that this has a very different physiological effect on the child than crying alone. . . . #gentleparenting #newdad #attachmentparenting #breastfeeding #fatherhood #sarahockwellsmith #fatherslove #empathy #compassionTop Posts & Pages
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Tag Archives: gentle parenting not permissive
Why Your Child Needs Boundaries – and How to Set & Enforce Them
Boundaries play a crucial role in Gentle Parenting, in fact, so much so they really do form one of its cornerstones. I think the difficulty in understanding, comes from those who don’t really ‘get’ this style of parenting and also from those who practice it, but are a bit too scared to set and particularly enforce boundaries. Continue reading
