Sarah Ockwell-Smith

How to Get Your Baby to Nap in Daycare

For many mothers, who practice gentle or attachment parenting, their return to work can be fraught with worry. Concerns about how the baby will settle and sleep for the new caregivers usually top the list. In this blog post my aim is to hopefully reduce these fears a little and help you to prepare your baby for naps without you as much as possible.

Before I talk about how to encourage more independent naps I think it’s really important to start at a point that many parenting ‘experts’ would skip. That is choosing childcare. I’m not going to go into great depth here (for those who are interested I have however done so in my new Gentle Parenting Book), but it’s impossible to cover this topic without even a brief mention.

Choosing Childcare Providers

Choosing the correct childcare for your baby is the most important step you can take to ease their transition and to aid sleep without you. There is no one universally correct choice, because all care differs between providers (whatever pedagogy they may subscribe to), however for those with a more gentle disposition I would always recommend ‘home based childcare’ as usually being the top choice. What do I mean by ‘home based’? Simply care provided in the child’s own home (the ultimate childcare choice – think nanny) or in somebody else’s (think grandparents or childminder). Home based childcare usually allows for a little more flexibility around individual routines and for babies reduces over-stimulation. That doesn’t however mean that I would advise parents to always steer clear of nursery settings. There are some truly wonderful nurseries out there (and some dire nannies and childminders). A great nursery is much better than a poor, or average nanny.

The most important point to consider concerning childcare selection is how willing the provider is to meet the needs of your individual child. I have worked with so many parents who ask me “my baby naps at 9am and 3pm, but at nursery they have to nap at 11am and 2pm, how do I change my baby’s routine to fit this?”, or “my baby only sleeps when she’s held and rocked, but at daycare they have to fall asleep in a cot, help?”. My answer is always the same:

“you are paying for this service, they should be providing the service that you and your baby require. If that means following individual nap times or carrying your baby in a sling for the duration of their nap, then that’s what you should demand. If they are unwilling to meet your needs then this is not the right setting for you or your child.”

When selecting childcare some important questions to ask are:

Do you expect my baby to sleep at a certain time? Or are you happy for him/her to sleep according to her own needs?
If my baby cannot fall asleep in the cot/crib will you carry her/him in a sling?
My baby needs movement to sleep – will you take him/her for a walk in the buggy/stroller if necessary every day?
What will you do if my baby doesn’t want to nap when others in your care are napping?
My baby needs music/scent/certain objects/certain lighting etc..to sleep, are you happy with this?
Are you prepared to have a lot of settling in sessions, both with and without me present, before my baby starts with you? Or do you have a restriction on how many we can have?

Remember, you are paying a lot of money and trusting the love of your life to somebody else’s care, there should be NOTHING you are unhappy about. If there is, and the provider is not happy to change their views, then I cannot highlight enough – this is not the right care provider for you!

Are your Fears Unfounded?

I know it may seem completely impossible to comprehend, but once you have found the right care provider you will be amazed at how differently your baby will sleep for them. Many parents tells me “she’ll only fall asleep at the breast for me and I have to stay with her for the duration of the nap” or “he’ll only sleep with constant rocking”…..”but, at daycare it’s amazing that it’s so different”. Babies who won’t fall asleep for mum or dad without a boob, or those who take 30 minutes of rocking will often be happy to be placed in a crib/cot and be patted to sleep by your childcare provider. For some parents it’s so unbelievably different that they are not convinced until they see it happen for themselves. The chances of the parents replicating this at home are precisely nil. Why? Babies seem to know that they will need to settle in a different way for their caregiver than for their parents. The comforting they get from their parents is ‘the ultimate’, but they seem willing to sacrifice it a little in the daytime for other carers (until they’re back with their parents that is).

I cannot highlight how common this is. Almost all babies will sleep in a different and very unexpected way for their carer than their parents. The carer will also likely find their own way to get your baby to sleep, again most likely in a way you’ll never be able to replicate. It may take a week or so for the two of them to find their own groove, but they almost certainly will!

Smoothing the Transition

It’s quite common that parents feel the need to get their baby napping ‘out of arms’, or settling without a breastfeed in preparation for starting daycare. I don’t actually think either of these are necessary (see above for why!). It absolutely won’t confuse your baby if you always feed them to sleep, but their carer pushes them in a buggy or stroller.

What I would suggest you focus on however are steps that the carer can follow that are the same that you use at home. Things like:

Always changing your baby into a certain sleeping bag before naptimes and sending a duplicate with them to daycare.
Sending a special sling or carrier that you use for naptimes with your baby to daycare
Playing a special piece of music for naptimes at home (like my ‘Gentle Sleep Music for Babies’) for the duration of your baby’s nap, and then asking daycare to use it for naps there.
Wearing a scent (I recommend lavender essential oil) as perfume during the day yourself and then asking your carer to wear the same, or at least to carry a muslin scented with it.
Reading a special story book at the start of nap times, and sending another copy of that book with your child to daycare.
Keeping the lighting levels the same for naps at home and at daycare (I recommend NOT closing blinds or curtains in order to not inhibit the circadian rhythm/body clock and potentially negatively impacting night time sleep- more on this in my ‘Gentle Sleep Book’).
Snuggling your baby with a special comforter (I like this one) or blanket (like this) at home during every nap or feed and then sending a duplicate to their daycare with them.

All of these will help your baby to feel that they have a little piece of you with them and the continuity should aid easier naps in your absence.

Similarly if you have a slightly older baby, it’s a great idea to take photos of their caregiver and to make a little photo album of them to discuss at home. Look at the album often together and comment positively on what a lovely time they have together.

When Your Baby Cries

A lot of gentle and attachment parents get very worried about their baby crying, particularly when they are not with them. There is a difference however between the type of crying that happens when a baby is being sleep trained (when they are alone and likely scared and very stressed) and the type that occurs when a baby is being held and attended to fully by somebody who cares for them. In the latter case, although it’s always best if crying is avoided completely, in reality it’s often not possible and it’s likely your baby will cry in your absence. Here THIS article may help you a little.

Reconnecting at the End of the Day

It’s really important that you understand your baby is going to need you more at the end of the day and often overnight once you return to work. A baby who previously was ‘sleeping through’ or waking only once will commonly wake more often once they start daycare. Similarly it’s common that they will feed more in the evening and at night if they are breastfed. This is known as ‘reverse cycling’. Your baby is simply trying to reconnect with you after your time apart through the best means they know how. Now is not the time for nightweaning, as exhausting as it may be wait at least a month or two, if not longer. You can find some tips in my ‘Gentle Sleep Book‘, when the time comes.

Imagine your baby has a ‘connection bucket’. This bucket needs to reach full capacity by the end of each day. If it doesn’t, the baby may feel a little insecure and need to connect with you more at night. Now if you are away from your baby for 8 hours or more each day it’s reasonable to expect that your baby’s bucket needs a lot of filling in the evening. For this reason don’t rush their bath and bedtime as soon as you get in. The best way to reconnect is to play, cuddle and breastfeed. Each evening try to spend at least an hour doing these things before beginning dinner or a bedtime routine and slot in a 30 minute play time between dinner and bath. Ideally your baby needs a minimum of two hours awake and reconnecting time with you at home, before starting their bedtime routine each evening.

You

In many ways this section should come at the start of this article, not the end. Too often parents are so worried about their baby when they return to work that they forget to think of their own needs. Going back to work when you’re a new mother is bloody hard. Not just from a physical exhaustion level, but an emotional one too. You must, must, must, must, must look after yourself – in body and in mind. Rest up as much as possible, don’t try to ‘do it all’, get some ‘me time’ in when you can at weekends, eat well, try to catch up on sleep whenever you can (going to bed at the same time as your baby may seem depressing but can really help in the first few weeks back to work). I’d also really recommend learning and practising mindfulness. It may sound a bit ‘hippy trippy’, but it’s really a game-changer. Check out THIS WEBSITE for a free trial.

Good luck!

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your baby, toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

Sarah

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The Epidemic of Baby Sleep Training

Our society is in the throes of an ever increasing and worrying epidemic, that of infant sleep training. For six thousand years humans have parented in a manner similar to that of other mammals who nurture their young. Babies would be held both day and night, they would be placed at the breast whenever they needed and as a result, although new parents were undoubtedly tired, there was no need for experts or products to solve baby sleep problems. Quite simply baby sleep problems didn’t exist. Adults understood normal baby sleep and they understood what babies needed to sleep in a more restful way. They also understood that disrupted sleep was temporary and adjusted their lives accordingly.

The dawn of industrialisation two hundred years ago changed everything. The pursuit of wealth and material belongings relegated parenting to a second class occupation. A new role appeared, that of the male parenting expert, such as Truby King and John Watson. Parents were advised to put their babies on strict feeding and sleeping schedules and love was seen as a weakness. Children were not to be ‘mollycoddled’ or shown excessive affection. Parenting styles come in and out of vogue with regularity. Interestingly they always seem to reflect the state and views of society at the time. In the case of the industrialised society these views were predominantly misogynistic and focussed on increasing wealth and productivity. You could argue that this is the prevalent view still today.

In a society focussed on creating money and workers, love and emotion gets in the way. Mothers today are encouraged back into the workforce prematurely, at least when compared to the needs of their babies. More mothers in work however means a better economy and more money for the country. Is it any wonder that governments have no interest in supporting mothers to stay at home for the first three years of their child’s life? Our country’s economy benefits from baby sleep training in many way. Less tired mothers (and fathers) make better workers. Sleep consultancies create jobs and taxes, as do manufacturers of products intended to be used as mother substitutes to try to pacify babies who really need to be ‘in arms’. The same is true of the formula industry. More products mean more profit and more money for the governmental coffers. Why would they ever want to adopt a more nurturing and natural view on childcare?

….and then there are the parents. Split in two and not winning at anything. Struggling with their jobs and so little sleep, struggling to pay the bills and worrying about taking care of their homes and relatives. On the other hand there are instincts. The instinct to protect this delicate newly created life. The pull on the heart when the baby cries, the feel of the baby relaxing when they are held close. The feeling that the advice given by a health professional is somehow wrong, but questioning what a naive first time parent knows compared to years of experience and medical degrees. Over the last two hundred years we have gained so much, electricity, fast transportation, instant communication and a longer life expectancy. What we have lost is far, far more though. We are starting to lose our humanity in the quest for ‘more’. Industry and jobs have forced families apart. Families who throughout history have helped to share the burden of new parenthood. Motherhood is increasingly undervalued. How many stay at home mothers do you know who introduce themselves as “just a mother”? Some people argue that gentle or attachment parenting, which frowns on conventional sleep training, is anti-feminist. I would argue completely the opposite, the sleep training epidemic and misogynistic industrial society of today is the true enemy of feminism.

The biggest losers of all though are the babies. The sweet innocent babies who have not changed since the babies of six thousand years ago. Their needs are unchanged and simple. They need love, nurturance and the constant reassurance of parental presence through day and night while their brains develop enough to allow them to become truly independent. They need food when they are hungry. Now though they are treated as problematic. The same sleep patterns that have been handled without trouble or ‘expert advice’ for thousands of years have now become a source of big business. It is in the benefit of industry for babies to be seen as having sleep problems. It creates money and it also stops parents asking what in the heck we have done that we now consider normal human biology problematic and to instead accept, without thought, the brainwashing that we *need* to constantly work to earn money to buy more stuff.

Babies don’t have sleep problems. Babies have never slept through the night and they never will, at most the modern day sleep training epidemic will cause them to lay awake alone at night and not signal their distress to their caregivers. The problem has nothing to do with the way babies sleep. The problem belongs to us, as adults. The problem belongs to industrialisation and the questionable ethics of those who live off of the exhaustion and anxiety it has created. Those who make millions supposedly trying to fix the problem that the very same industry today has created. Many parents will say “but I HAD to sleep train my baby, I just couldn’t function. I have a job to do and a house to keep”. The truth is though that nobody ever needs to sleep train their baby, at least not in a manner that makes the baby suffer for being a baby. The real problem is that we are now so accustomed to our industrialised lives that we are unwilling to make the sacrifices that parents have made for their babies for thousands of year. There is always something that can be done that doesn’t mean enforcing unnatural sleeping patterns on our babies (see HERE for more). The question is, are we unselfish and un-blinkered enough to break free of the modern sleep training epidemic?

Sarah

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Parents, Stop Bribing Your Children with Christmas!

November and December herald a rising trend in the arsenal of parenting weapons. As Christmas looms parents increasingly seek to control the behaviour of their children through the threat of Santa and his Elves and manufacturers and marketeers increasingly profit from their desperation. Elf on the Shelf, personalised letters and videos telling children they will only get presents if they “are good”, telephone calls, videos and phone apps threaten to report children to Father Christmas if they have been naughty and tell them they must do better if they wish to receive presents. The magic of Christmas is increasingly overshadowed by the constant undercurrent of behaviour surveillance and threats of a present free Christmas if children don’t behave.

Many parents buy into this. Only today I heard a mother telling her daughter “Santa won’t bring you any presents if you don’t stop tantruming”. Words uttered frequently at this time of year.

I say, enough. Enough with the threats, the surveillance and the bribes. Not only are they highly ineffective parenting methods, but we run the very real risk of scaring our children with these mythological ‘all seeing’ creatures. Where is the magic in that?

All children are ‘good’. What most believe to be ‘bad behaviour’ is not indicative of a naughty child. Behaviour that we do not like as adults does not indicate that the child is not motivated to do better. On the contrary it indicates that the child is usually behaving in the only manner in which they are capable of according to their level of emotional and intellectual development. Most children would rather they didn’t misbehave too. They don’t need any motivation to not misbehave, whether that comes in the bribe of “I’ll buy you XYZ for Christmas if you behave”, or in the threat of punishment of “Santa won’t bring you any presents if you don’t stop it”. Simply, misbehaving and all the uncomfortable, uncontrollable and messy emotions and feelings that accompany it usually makes children feel just as crappy as their parents, if not more so. They are already motivated to behave, they intrinsically want to ‘be good’.

Offering bribes of more Christmas presents won’t make a child’s drive to behave any stronger. Similarly threats of less, or no, presents won’t motivate them any more. If they are misbehaving, the issue is either that they cannot behave better, either because of their age, their level of brain development or their capabilities of regulating their emotions and drives or that they are in an environment that is triggering the negative behaviour.

The key to changing ‘misbehaviour’ is to reset expectations, help to develop regulation and social skills and keep them away from places and people who trigger the unwanted behaviour. Imagine how upsetting it must be for a child who already wants to be good, but is incapable of being so, to be threatened with losing Christmas presents? The motivation is already there, but without the skills necessary to ‘do better’ they are totally and utterly helpless. Losing presents is therefore inevitable. How is this meant to help? In most cases it will actually make the behaviour worse as the child gives up, knowing they can’t do better. Their self esteem (which is usually pretty low already) plummets and their behaviour often regresses even more.

Imagine how it feels to be young and threatened by an ‘ever watching’ array of mythical beings. Is it any wonder children cry when sat on Santa’s knee? The judgemental old man who despatches elves around the world to spy on children to see if they are worthy of having his gifts bestowed on them. Those elves who “see everything” and are “always watching”. That’s pretty scary already without adding a demonic looking shelf sitting elf into the mixture.

On the subject of said elf, what about the example he himself sets? He is allowed to get up to all sorts of mischief and mayhem, most of which would get a child swiftly added to Santa’s ‘naughty list’. How confusing must it be for children to watch the elf doing all sorts of things they are never allowed to do knowing if they set one foot wrong that he will go scurrying back to Santa to tell on them. Hypocritical much? Many parents think this is “just a bit of harmless fun” and it might be, if it didn’t send a very strong and a distinctly un-fun message to children.

elf on the shelf, naughty elf

Of course, come January the threat of Santa lessens dramatically. One would hope the Christmas bribery would end there, however I have heard of plenty of parents who threaten to call Santa to get him to take their presents back. If that fails there is always the Easter Bunny or the ever present Tooth Fairy. Both of whom are certainly used to their fair share of supernatural bribery.

The answer to ‘behavioural problems’ is to step outside of the commercial festive frenzy and ditch the hypocritical spying elf. Write to Santa if you want your child to believe, but thank him for seeing the good in all children. Ask your child to write a list of what they are proud of this year about themselves and leave the words ‘good’ and ‘naughty’ out of it completely. If you are visiting a Father Christmas, quickly have a word with one of his helpers before you visit and ask him or her to have a quick word with Santa to let him know that you don’t want him to ask your child if they have been good this year. If you want to play with an Elf, first check that the idea of a creature coming to life in the house every night is not one that will scare your child (how can we tell them monsters aren’t real while at the same time pretending a naughty elf is?) and then make sure that they do not do anything that your child is not allowed to do. Skip any accompanying books, cards or stickers and just enjoy the festive fun.

Merry Christmas!

Sarah

Note: I have used the terms Santa and Father Christmas interchangeably. In the UK we call Santa Father Christmas!

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Self Soothing: Why Babies Are Not Like Adults

Adults, children and babies all wake many times each night. ‘Sleeping through the night’ is a misnomer, it indicates something that is not biologically possible. We all sleep in cycles moving through light and deep sleep. At the end of each cycle a new cycle may immediately begin (giving the impression that the individual is ‘sleeping through’), or the individual may wake.

Babies move through many more sleep cycles than adults, in part because they sleep for longer at night and also because their sleep cycles are significantly shorter. While adults will experience around 5-6 sleep cycles per night, babies experience anything between 12 to 16 (depending on age and total length of sleep).

When it comes to transitioning between sleep cycles adults only have to link cycles five or six times. Babies however have to transition anything up to three times as many cycles. Each end and start of a sleep cycle is an opportunity for them to wake if something in their body or their environment is not right.

Conventional ‘sleep experts’ focus heavily on teaching babies to ‘self soothe’ or ‘self settle’. They believe that teaching this skill will help the baby to transition between cycles without parental input. This they believe is the key to getting babies to ‘sleep through the night’. This is often taught by a degree of parental abandonment where the child is left to ‘figure things out’ alone (which supposedly teache them to self soothe). Techniques vary from ‘Cry it Out’ (where the child is left to cry until they eventually fall asleep) to ‘controlled crying’ (a version of the above where the parent checks the child every few minutes and then leaves the room to allow the baby to cry more), to ‘disappearing chair’ or ‘gradual withdrawal’ (where the parent moves further and further away from the child and responds initially with sshing and patting the baby’s tummy or bottom, to ultimately only ssshing or talking to the child from the other side of the room or even outside of the door). The presumption with these techniques is always the same, to teach ‘Self soothing’ or ‘self settling’.

I feel it is vital however that parents understand exactly what the baby is capable of doing, from a brain and physical development point of view. When an adult ‘self soothes’ it looks very different to an infant ‘self soothing’. Some examples are shown in the table below.

selfsoothe

The ability to ‘self soothe’ requires both sophisticated brain development and physical skills such as getting out of bed alone, walking and manipulating the environment. If the infant therefore ceases crying, does it mean that they are soothed? Or does it mean that they have been trained not to cry because they quickly learn that the parent does not meet their needs, ergo, there is no point in crying? The answer is blatantly obvious to me, is it to you?

Sarah

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What the Heck Goes Wrong Sleep Wise at 8-10 Months?

One of the most popular blog posts I’ve ever written is all about the 4-5 month sleep regression. I need to make a confession, I lied a little bit in it.

I gave the impression that things get a lot better after six months. And they do. Often though the improvement is only temporary and things can often get a lot, lot worse towards the end of the first year. Once again it is transient, things will get better. I apologise for withholding this information from my earlier blog post. I did it deliberately for a good reason.

When parents are deep in the depths of the 4-5month sleep regression the very last thing they want to hear is that things will get better, but only for a couple of months when they get much worse. The feelings of utter despair this may cause may make parents turn to conventional (not gentle) sleep training, to get over the 4-5 month regression and to try to stop the 8-10 month one from happening. I really would hate to be responsible for that decision, so I lied. I’m sorry, but I did it with your, and your child’s, wellbeing in mind.

So what the heck happens to sleep between eight and ten months of age? One thing is for sure and that’s the fact that it’s a very common age for lots of night waking and difficulty settling babies to sleep initially.

Research has shown us that at nine months of age, getting on for two thirds of babies are waking regularly at night, that’s almost twenty percent more than those who wake regularly at six months. In fact sleep at this stage is actually worse (in terms of night waking) than it is at three months! It is second only to newborn sleep in terms of sheer number of night wakings needing your help.

The problem with this is that this is unexpected. Many parents expect infant sleep to get continuously better as the baby ages. This assumption is one supported by most sleep experts, mainstream media and health professionals, with many expecting babies to be ‘sleeping through’ after six months. Society really does lose all tolerance of baby sleep (or lack of) after six months. Newborns wake lots, that’s to be expected, but once they are nearing their first birthday most feel they should be ‘sleeping through the night’.

If we presented these expectations in graphical form they would look something like this:

sleepchart1

In reality however it looks more like this:

sleepchart2

Sleep in infants is not a constant, it doesn’t continue to get better, it’s messy. It improves, it regresses, it stays the same. Life happens; teething, illness, holidays, returns to work, moving bedrooms, developmental leaps and many more can and do have a great impact on baby sleep. Normal baby sleeping patterns don’t just stick to an upward trajectory.

What happens in the life of an eight to ten month old?

Teething
Eating more solids (new experiences and risks of allergies/intolerances)
Learning to pull up, cruise and crawl
Increasing communication skills
Separation anxiety
Moving to their own bedroom
Mother returning to work
Attending more baby classes and groups (which may overstimulate)

and more…..each of these can have a dramatic impact on sleep.

There is no doubt however that separation anxiety is a key player when it comes to babies waking at night and needing parental reassurance to get back to sleep. While this age is commonly one that many parents resort to sleep training it is the very age that is most important to NOT resort to sleep training. Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage, it’s an indication of parenting done well and although it may not feel like it, it’s a great indication that – in time – the baby will be confident and independent. This is the stage where babies need to know that parents are always there for them, that they can trust us to always come back. Once this trust is built that’s when the path to independence (and what many term ‘self settling’ or ‘self soothing’) really starts to develop.

For a quick video discussing this developmental stage (and the impact on sleep) in more depth – see my clip below:

My biggest tip for this age range when it comes to sleep is to understand why it happens and if at all possible engage in some mega ‘self care’ to allow you to make it through the tough couple of months, ultimately this will make your life easier in the long run, although in the short term I can appreciate it feels anything but. Other elements to consider:

Is there something wrong in the baby’s sleeping environment? (temperature, lighting, bedding)
Is your baby going to bed at the correct time for their biological needs?
Do they need to drop a daytime nap?
Are you using a dummy/pacifier? (post six months I strongly believe they negatively impact sleep).
Do they have any allergies or intolerances to the new food in their diet?
Do they have any nutritional deficiencies?
Are they being overstimulated in the daytime?
Are you taking a good couple of hours to reconnect after returning from work?
Are you trying to night wean prematurely?
Following the above point many babies this age are genuinely hungry at night. Their busy daytimes often lead to a dramatically lowered intake of milk (whether less breastfeeds or less bottle feeds), the quiet nights are often used to consume what they didn’t during the day.
Do they have other items that provide them comfort and remind them of you? (taking on board all senses).
Are they getting enough daylight exposure?
If they are in daycare, is the setting right for them?
Is your bedtime routine sleep friendly? and long enough?
Do they have any other sleep cues aside from you?
Are their needs for attachment being met sufficiently in the daytime?
Are you reading their tiredness cues correctly?

What I can promise you is that it will get better (and just for full disclosure I should add “until 18 months”, but that’s another blog post!).

Sarah

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How Do You Stop Early Morning Waking?

How Do You Stop Early Morning Waking? This is probably one of the top three questions I get asked by parents. Unfortunately it’s not one I have a positive answer to, but don’t let that put you off reading the rest of this post!

You see early morning waking is the human biological norm. We are meant to wake with the rising of the sun, just as we are meant to go to sleep shortly after it sets. The problem is that we, as adults, just don’t do that any more. Our sleep is abnormal. Our circadian rhythms bear little resemblance to what is truly biologically normal for our species. Modern day inventions have allowed us to create artificially light evenings and artificially dark mornings. We stay up far later than our predecessors who relied solely on moon, star and fire light to brighten their nights. Modern electric lighting, with its blue tinged wavelength, tricks our bodies into believing it is still daylight long after the sun has set. Our bodies secrete cortisol in an effort to stay awake and alert. When we do finally retire to bed we cover windows with blackout blinds and thick lined curtains, keeping the early morning sunlight at bay for as long as possible and so too allowing melatonin secretion to continue so that we can repeatedly hit the snooze button on our alarms. Pre-children, non work days commonly start at nine, ten or even eleven am. This modern-day adult sleep pattern is abnormal.

Babies and toddlers bedtimes are far more in sync with sunset and so too their wakings are far more linked to sunrise. Mornings commonly start at some point between five and six am. This is normal. This is how we, as adults, should sleep and have done for many hundreds of years. The problem most adults have is that their child’s normal sleeping habits are at odds with their abnormal ones. The most simplest answer to the question “how do you stop early morning waking” is simply “when your child learns and adopts your abnormal sleep patterns”. Commonly that takes until they are around four years old.

There is another point to consider here that rests once again on adult expectations. Many expect (hope?) that their children will go to bed at seven pm and wake at seven am. For many however twelve hours sleep per night is just too much sleep. An individual baby or a toddler has a fairly unique set sleep requirement per twenty-four hours. Some may need only eleven hours, others may need eighteen. Both of these are within the realms of normality. A twelve month old baby, who has a two hour long nap in the day and who only needs eleven hours sleep in a twenty-four hour period, will only need nine hours sleep per night. If said baby goes to sleep at seven pm, it is fair to expect that they will be ready to start the day at four am. They simply won’t go back to sleep because they are not tired. They have fulfilled their sleep need. A twelve month old baby (with similar nap timings) who needs fourteen hours sleep in a twenty-four hour period will wake at seven am. All babies are different. Charts and tables provide only educated estimates, if your child naturally needs less sleep per day then you have two options: continue to put them to bed at seven pm and accept the early morning waking. or adjust their bedtime to a more natural sleep time of around eight thirty pm in the hopes of the waking reaching nearer to six am. As a general rule, it is fairly unrealistic to expect a baby or toddler to sleep much past six am whatever time they go to bed.

Image courtesy of The National Sleep Foundation

Other Tips That May Help Early Morning Waking:

Expose your child to as much daylight as possible during the day, keeping naps in natural light (no blinds closed or sleep shades on prams or car seats for daytime naps). Conversely keep nights as dark as possible. Be aware of the lighting used at night – see THIS post for more.
Use blackout blinds in the bedroom overnight in an attempt to keep the early mornings as dark as possible. Cover any nooks and crannies with stick on fabric or film.
Try to slowly and gently move your child’s naps later in the day if they are prone to nap early in the morning, with the earliest nap (if they have more than one) not being earlier than ten am. This can help shift the circadian rhythm a little towards a later bedtime and later wake time.
Encourage your child to come into bed with you early in the morning (following safe sleeping guidelines) for sleepy snuggles and feeds which may encourage them go back to sleep again or allow you to drift in and out of sleep for an extra half an hour.
Aim for a bedtime of not earlier than eight pm, in the hopes that your child’s sleep needs will be fulfilled at a later time in the morning.
Consider dropping a nap during the day, or at least don’t encourage them to go back to sleep after the end of a sleep cycle (40-60 minutes depending on age).
Keep the early morning interactions quiet, calm and as boring as possible. For toddlers try telling them “it’s still time to sleep now” and encourage them to lay down and snuggle a comforter or toy and listen to a relaxation CD.
Make a visual cue for older toddlers and preschoolers. Get a cheap plastic ‘school’ clock (the type you find in offices or schools, something like THIS) dismantle and colour in sections to represent night and day. For instance one half of the clock yellow with a big smiley sun and the other half blue with a smiling moon. Explain to your child why we sleep at night and that when the clock is still in the moon section it is still night-time. Make it clear that they can come to you/you will come to them whenever they need you. The clock is to *only* be used as a visual guide to show them night and day, at no point should they be made to stay in bed if the clock isn’t in the ‘day’ section. Not only is this significantly cheaper than the myriad of ‘sleep training’ clocks on the market importantly it also avoids the coloured lights these devices all have which unfortunately almost always focus on colours that are known to inhibit sleep (such as blue), making their use counter-productive.
Embrace the early mornings. This is hard to do (I have been there four times!) but ultimately I think it’s the most successful way to handle early mornings. Go to bed early yourself and get up with your child. Appreciate how beautiful the sunrise is and the quietness (or bird song) of the very early mornings. This is a wonderful time to get things done too, especially if there are two parents at home, the extra pair of hands may mean that you may have some free time to prepare dinner for that evening (slow cookers are great!), do any jobs that need doing or get some exercise in (such as an early morning run).
Remember ‘This too will pass’. Because it will………Each day may feel like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of your life, two or three years of crazy early mornings really is only a very short percentage. All too soon your child will inherit your abnormal sleep patterns and the tables will soon turn in the teenage years when you are unable to get them out of bed until midday.

Sarah

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Help! My Baby Always Cries in the Car.

Some babies love car journeys. The car was like a magic switch for my first-born. If I was struggling to get him to sleep or to soothe his tears two minutes out in the car would see him sleeping soundly for a good hour, sometimes two. In fact when he was a colicky newborn my husband could often be seen driving around our village in his pyjamas at 2 AM with my son in the car. He would return with a peacefully snoozing baby in the car seat every single time.

The car had less magical properties for babies two and three, it wasn’t the instant light switch it was with number one, but after ten or fifteen minutes of driving we could still pretty much guarantee they would fall asleep. For a couple of years we enjoyed long car journeys as a family of five, three little boys snoozing quietly in the back behind us. If anybody asked me for my top ‘baby calming’ tips “going for a drive” would undoubtedly be in the top three.

Then my daughter was born. She HATED the car. She would scream, loudly, within minutes of being in it and invariably the screaming would continue for almost all of the journey. It was rare that she ever fell asleep in the car, even if she was exhausted. I have spent many, many hours sitting in the back seat next to an unhappy baby stroking, singing and trying everything to comfort her. I avoided all but really non-essential car journeys that required me to drive so that I could sit next to her and at least have physical contact. We walked a lot that year!

Interestingly at age eight my daughter has horrific travel sickness. Her brothers don’t suffer at all. If we are in the car for longer than fifteen minutes she needs medication to quell the nausea otherwise she vomits in spectacular style. I wonder now if this was the cause of her upset as a baby?

I’m often asked “so, you don’t recommend controlled crying or ‘cry it out’, but what about when I’m driving and I absolutely cannot stop and my baby is screaming?”. I can totally relate, I’ve been there. All I can say is that I feel it is very different deliberately causing a baby to become distressed and ignoring their cries and responding to the baby verbally and physically as much as possible. We very quickly learned that if a journey wasn’t essential it wasn’t made (in a car anyway). I drove very little during the week when my husband was at work, if I did then my daughter was in the front seat next to me with the airbag turned off. This isn’t something I’d recommend for safety reasons, however I felt we were at less risk of a crash if my full attention was on the road, rather than a screaming baby. At the weekend I would always sit in the back next to my daughter holding her hand, talking to her and stroking her head. We would stop often, by often I mean every twenty to thirty minutes, and avoided motorways to make this more possible. Our journeys would take much longer and we planned around this. Again if the journey wasn’t essential it wasn’t made. At all points though we were as responsive as possible.

carseat

The following are tips that either helped us and/or have helped parents I have worked with when car travelling was a must:

Take your baby to see a cranial osteopath or chiropractor. Sometimes effects from the birth (particularly if it was via C-Section, forceps or ventouse or the labour was very long) can cause discomfort to the baby which can be heightened by being in a car seat. Releasing this tension can make them happier travellers.
Try different car seats, sometimes the dimensions and angles of different seats can make a really big difference. We had two car seats (one for my car and one for my husband’s) and my daughter was much happier in ‘my’ car seat.
Try to time the journey around nap times, getting the baby to sleep and then transferring to the car seat after five or ten minutes, so that much of the journey occurs when they are asleep if possible. Don’t travel if they are awake but tired or due a nap, this can make the crying and distress much worse when overtiredness is added to the mix.
Play white noise or alpha music in the car stereo. Play this on repeat throughout the journey to help to soothe your baby (if the recording makes you feel sleepy wear ear plugs or listen to your own music through headphones).
Try scenting the car with a baby friendly anti-nausea aromatherapy oil, such as mandarin. If possible use a portable battery operated aromatherapy diffuser, if not pop a couple of drops on a muslin and drape over the back of seat near to your baby (making sure it can’t fall on the baby though!).
If your baby has a comfort object (generally for sleep time) make sure they have it with them. This may sound obvious, but it’s surprising how many people don’t try this.
For older children, consider some natural travel sickness remedies, such as Ginger.
Consider using a tablet/smart phone holder fixed to the seat in front of the baby. Ordinarily this is something I would never recommend. I am really not a fan of any screen time for babies (or even toddlers), but sometimes this really is the only thing that makes a real difference. Don’t necessarily select children’s programmes though, sometimes videos of animals or fish swimming in the sea can be much more successful!

Sadly none of these tips are magic. Ultimately what seems to help the most is time. Babies may not necessarily grow out of their hatred of car transport, but as they get older they can at least understand more and can also occupy themselves a little more with toys too. Infuriatingly, as with much of parenting, sometimes the most universal solution is to ‘wait it out’. In the meantime however you can rest easy in the knowledge that meeting your baby’s needs as much as possible is not at all comparable to ignoring them akin to behavioural, cry based, sleep training.

Sarah

How to Help Babies & Children With Clock Changes

There are two events each year that cause many parents stress and upset when it comes to child sleep – clock changes! I’m not going to de-rail this blog with my thoughts on this archaic practice (I’ve detailed them at some length in The Gentle Sleep Book). I will however focus on ways that you can best help your children, and you, cope with the change.

Here’s my four step guide to dealing with clock changes:

Start Preparing 6 Weeks in Advance.

By the far the easiest way, and indeed the gentlest way, to cope with clock changes is to gradually inch bedtime forward or back (depending on which way the change is happening) a little at a time.

Starting 6 weeks before hand change bedtime to either 10 minutes earlier (for spring) or 10 minutes later (for autumn) each week. I recommend breaking this down further if possible to a couple of minutes per day.

Here’s a worked example:

If your child’s bedtime (time they go to sleep) is 8pm and you are preparing for the autumn change, you would do the following:

Week 1: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 8:10pm

Week 2: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 8:20pm

Week 3: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 8:30pm

Week 4: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 8:40pm

Week 5: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 8:50pm

Week 6: by the end of this week you have moved bedtime to 9pm

The clock will then ‘fall back’ and the new bedtime becomes 8pm again.

For spring changes obviously bedtime will be gradually moving earlier, not back.

You may think “well why does this matter?”, or “if they go to sleep an hour earlier that means I’ll get more time in the evening, it can only be a good thing!”. The downside tends to come the other end of the night in the autumn though. If the child is going to bed at what will now be 7pm they are more likely to either wake in the night or wake earlier the following morning if they have fulfilled their sleep need. You cannot make them take an extra hour’s sleep if they don’t need it. It may therefore be “hello better evenings”, but that is often accompanied with “hello horribly early mornings” (or earlier than the normal early!).

In Spring the change may be good from a morning perspective, but if you don’t change sleep times you will have to be up with your child for an extra hour in the evening. So it’s win/lose either way!

2. Be really careful about light

In the autumn we’re lucky, the change means that the evenings are darker and thus more melatonin conducive, that’s a good thing for sleep. The mornings however are lighter, that’s not such a good thing. Blackout blinds therefore are a sterling investment for autumn and winter mornings when you’d like a little more sleep (though not always a guarantee sadly – early morning waking post coming soon!).

It’s also really important to think carefully about the use of artificial lighting, since it is likely to be dark at bedtime and you’re likely to need some light to do the bedtime routine. Read this post for more details on why light matters and how to prevent it from inhibiting your child’s sleep.

In the spring and summer things are trickier. You need to make the evenings darker than they perhaps naturally are, seeing as most tiredness depends upon the effects of light exposure on the eyes and brain. Here it’s all about closing curtains and blinds in the evening, a good hour or so before you want your child to sleep. Yes, it’s depressing losing the beautiful light spring and summer evenings, but it might help.

3. Daylight exposure.

Daylight exposure is really important for resetting circadian rhythms (aka ‘body clocks’). Our bodies know when to be tired and when to be alert based upon the amount of exposure to sunlight we receive. This daylight exposure tells the brain whether it is time to release the hormone of sleep or the hormone of alertness. The quickest and best way to reset a circadian rhythm that is a bit wonky is exposure to direct daylight as early as possible in the daytime. This means bundling your child and yourself up in warm clothes and getting outside straight after breakfast. Taking a walk, playing in the garden, going to the park are all great. If possible you will get outside for a minimum of thirty minutes every morning.

4. Be Sensitive and Patient.

Your child didn’t ask for the clock changes to happen, just like you. As infuriating as the sleepless evenings or tiring early mornings may be to you, being made to change developed, normal sleeping patterns because of an obscure quirk of modern-day society is just as hard for your child.

Try to stay on the same team. Clock changes are really hard for parents, just as you have got over one another one happens, but they’re really hard for children too. Understanding this will make them a lot easier on the whole family

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

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When Should Children Get Their Ears Pierced? (and musings on body autonomy).

Yesterday my daughter, who is eight and a half years old, got her ears pierced and it got me thinking about the ‘right age’ to do it.

I am strongly against piercing the ears of a baby or toddler. Although relatively minor, ear-piercing is still mutilating the body in some way. Making holes in any part of a child’s body without their consent is wrong in my opinion. No matter that the holes may close up and they can take the earrings out when they are older if they choose to. I believe it is morally wrong to alter any part of a child’s body when they are too young to understand the implications or give informed consent unless there are serious medical reasons to do so.

At what age are children old enough to understand and give informed consent though? This is something I have really struggled with. My daughter has been asking to have her ears pierced with regularity since the start of this year. Personally I would prefer her to wait until she turns eleven and starts secondary/high school and explained this to her, many times. Yet she still kept asking. I explained that the piercing would hurt. My daughter is a dancer and a gymnast and I explained that having pierced ears could lead to an accident, where even small studs may get caught during her routines. I explained that because the piercing made holes in her ears that if she changed her mind and took the earrings out that her ears may be permanently scarred. I explained that piercing carries a risk of infection and that she would have to keep her ears scrupulously clean for many weeks. She said she understood and still wanted it done. Many times.

This weekend I was putting in a new pair of earrings that I had just bought and she asked, again. I started to say “darling, we’ve spoken about this…..” and then second guessed myself. Why was I really saying “no” again? What was really stopping me from allowing her? Was it my personal preferences about children and pierced ears? Or was it because I felt she wasn’t old enough to make an informed choice?

This brought me to the realisation that actually this had now become much more about me than her. She did understand fully and she still wanted it done. Her ears are her ears, not mine. I felt that I had taken on a caretaker role of protecting her body, until she could protect it herself, but is now the right time to start handing over some of that role to her? By preventing her from piercing her ears I was no longer protecting her body autonomy, I was preventing it. This had now become about me and not about her.

I asked her if she was sure and explained all of the risks again, she understood and still wanted to go ahead. Sitting in the piercer’s chair and watching my child have her ears pierced was right up there in one of the most horrible moments of my life. My daughter didn’t even flinch though and has been taking great care of her newly pierced ears. I have no doubt she will continue to do so. I feel I’ve learned something quite big this weekend, she may be ‘my little girl’, but she is her own person too and now it’s time for me to hand over some of the caretaking to her, little by little.

When do you think is the right age to ‘allow’ a child to have their ears pierced?

2023 UPDATE: I wrote this post in 2015. My daughter is now 16 and still loves her ear piercings (in fact she has recently added 3 more each side and a naval piercing!). Retrospectively would I change anything about my decision? I possibly would have given the go ahead a little earlier. I wanted to make sure she could give informed consent before she had it done and in doing so I think I delayed a bit longer than was necessary.

I’ve recently written a book about childism (the discrimination of children in society) which covers the issues of body autonomy and consent (and other unconscious discrimination children face on a daily basis) in much more detail. The book is called ‘Because I Said So!’ and you can order a copy HERE.

Let’s Talk About Bad Habits (and Baby and Child Sleep)

Bad habits. Rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, cuddling to sleep, bedsharing…there are so many potholes and pitfalls to be avoided as a new parent. If you commit any of these heinous sins you are sure to end up with a child who is unable to sleep alone and you’ll still be rocking or breastfeeding a teenager. These bad habits must be broken, ASAP, if you ever want your child to sleep through the night or go to sleep independently. They must learn to self soothe and you must teach them how to sleep without you.

Have you ever heard such a load of twaddle? Widespread twaddle though. Have you ever been advised to “break the bad habits” with your baby or toddler? The fear of God put into your if you dare to ignore the advice. It’s your duty as a parent to teach your child to sleep, it’s not a natural skill for them and if you continue to mollycoddle them you’ll disadvantage them for life.

Honestly, I do wonder where this eye rollingly awful advice originates. What research is there to back it up? Where are the studies of teenagers still breastfeeding to sleep or needing to be bounced, rocked or walked in college? Where is the evidence of the dire consequences of these bad habits? There is none? That’ll be because they are not bad habits then! That’ll be because those fear mongering, do-gooder baby trainers are just repeating the same old myths to try to scare parents into sleep training. I say ignore them. I say there are no ‘bad habits’. I say rock or feed your baby to sleep all you want!

When is Something a ‘Bad Habit’?

In my opinion a ‘bad habit’ is something that causes (or may cause) potential harm to somebody. Something that may be detrimental in some way in the long-term. If all parties involved in ‘the habit’ are happy and content and there is no negative consequence then what is so bad about it? In this instance surely it’s a ‘good habit’?

Is it Really a Habit at All?

The definition of a habit is: “an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary:”

There is an important point here, the word “acquired”. This presumes that the habit previously didn’t exist. It’s something new. To my knowledge babies have always: 1. fallen asleep while feeding or sucking, 2. fallen asleep while being rocked and 3. fallen asleep in physical contact with their mother. Surely from birth these are all normal and beneficial behaviours. It goes beyond that though, these three things all happen in utero. While in the womb babies ALL fall asleep while sucking (or receiving nutrients via the umbilical cord), while being rocked (think about the movement they experience while the mother walks, climbs up stairs, dances or runs) and while in constant physical contact with the mother. Indeed there is no point during pregnancy that they have ever fallen asleep alone. The assertion by many that “they need to learn to fall asleep” is ridiculous, they have been falling asleep for months before they were born without the need for sleep training.

If none of these behaviours are new, or acquired, technically they do not meet the definition of being ‘a habit’.

When Supposed ‘Bad Habits’ are Actually Beneficial

When babies suckle and nurse a chain of positive events happens:

the sucking action helps their cranial bones to re-align and reduce cranial pressure and tension that may remain from the birth
the sucking action helps to relieve discomfort and pressure around the jaw from teething
baby and mother secrete oxytocin, the bonding and calming hormone
baby and mother secrete endorphins, the pain relieving and feel good hormone
if the baby is breastfed at night they will receive melatonin, the sleep hormone, via the mother’s milk

The result is a calm, relaxed and soothed baby who drifts of to sleep more easily. Win, win for both mother and baby I’d say, wouldn’t you? The extra special bonus here is that these effects don’t ever wear off, they remain for as long as the baby feeds or suckles to sleep, whatever age.

The same is true of cuddling and rocking. The movement and physical contact with the parent acts to help the baby feel calm, safe and relaxed – sleep comes more easily. Another win. win.

But You’ll Have to Rock/Feed/Cuddle to Sleep Forever

Not forever. Maybe a year, maybe two, maybe three. Or maybe a month, or three, or six. At some point, two important things will happen naturally.

Any physical discomfort the baby feels will pass
The baby will begin to develop the brain connectivity necessary to be able to self-calm and self-soothe

When these development stages occur the need for external soothing measures will naturally pass. Just as all babies will eventually grow out of needing nappies, prams/strollers/buggies or slings and carriers. They will become developmentally redundant.

Won’t They Never Sleep Through the Night Unless You Stop Doing X/Y/Z Though?

Babies don’t sleep through the night because they are babies, not because they are fed or rocked to sleep. If you remove the feeding and the rocking you cannot change the fact that your little bundle just does not sleep like and adult and won’t do for several more months or years.

That said, when they and you are ready to move on it is possible to slowly introduce other calming measures that will allow you a little more freedom and perhaps a little more unbroken sleep. I have worked with hundreds, if not thousands of parents who still happily rock or feed their children to sleep at night and yet still have several hours, or perhaps even a whole night, of unbroken sleep.

The takeaway message? Next time somebody tells you that you are “creating bad habits” understand that what they’re saying tells you much more about them than you. They are telling you that they don’t truly understand baby sleep. They are telling you that they perhaps missed out on the wonder of snuggling a sleeping baby in their arms. Don’t allow their loss to cause you and your child to lose out too.