Sarah Ockwell-Smith

The Real Reasons Why You Cannot Teach Babies to Self Soothe to Sleep

The mainstay of almost all baby sleep training is the idea of teaching ‘self soothing’ or ‘self settling’. This approach believes that if babies are put down ‘drowsy but awake’ and parents do not rush in to feed or rock when they wake, that the baby will learn to settle back to sleep without parental input.

Once a baby can self settle, parents are to believe that the baby will ‘sleep through the night’. What they are actually implying, since no baby ever sleeps through the night due to extremely short sleep cycles, is that every time the baby wakes in the night (around 10 to 15 times, depending on age) they will be able to start a new sleep cycle alone.

This sounds like a sensible idea. If only it were true.

Babies are incapable of self soothing or self settling in the true sense. Sure, they can suck their thumb, stroke a lovey or take comfort from a dummy/pacifier. This is their limit though. It’s like ‘self soothing lite’. This ‘self soothing lite’ requires the baby to be in a position where everything is fine. If there are no problems, this ‘self soothing lite’ may work. If there are problems, it just doesn’t.

As an adult, why did you wake last night? Aside from your baby waking you!

Perhaps a different, unexpected noise woke you
Perhaps your partner was snoring
Perhaps you needed to go to the toilet
Perhaps you woke with a dry throat and needed a drink
Perhaps you woke cold
Perhaps you woke hot
Perhaps it was too light
Perhaps it was too dark and you could see shadows that scared you
Perhaps you woke because of a nightmare
Perhaps you struggled to get back to sleep because of anxiety
Perhaps you struggled to get back to sleep for no known reason
Perhaps you were uncomfortable
Perhaps you were lonely, missing your partner
Perhaps you woke because you were in pain
Perhaps you woke because you felt sick…………………..

The list is endless and unique.

Why do babies wake? I suspect the list looks pretty similar to that above. With the important addition of ‘hunger’.

So, as an adult, how could you fix the problems that caused you to wake?

You could investigate and stop the noise
You could go to the toilet and return back to bed ‘clean’
You could go to the kitchen and make yourself a drink
You could add blankets or a thicker duvet or add clothing
You could swap the duvet for a sheet or change clothing for something cooler
You could open or close the window or fiddle with the air con or heating
You could turn a lamp on or off
You could breathe deeply and remind yourself “it’s only a dream”
You could call a friend, check Facebook, write a diary or practice relaxation/meditation
You could give up on sleep and get up for an hour or two
You could call your partner, or ask them to come up to bed with you
You could take a painkiller tablet or medication

Now, how many of these can babies do? The answer is “none”. What do babies do? They cry. They cry for us, as adults, to help them. Because they cannot “self soothe” and do any of these things. Sure they can suck their thumb or stroke a lovey, but how many of the above will this help?

Babies are incapable of true ‘self soothing’. They cannot fix problems alone. They need our help.

Now, throw in some sleep training that includes getting them to fall asleep drowsy but awake. How do you think that helps them to resolve the problems above? If they can’t resolve the problems but the sleep training makes them quiet what is really happening? If they lay alone in their crib, not crying, but still experiencing a problem that they are incapable of fixing are they really calm, contented, happy and “a good sleeper”? Or perhaps have they learned that if they cry you do not come to fix their problem(s), so they may as well not bother? Is this perhaps what really happens when we mistakenly believe we can teach them to “self settle” and “self soothe”?

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your baby, toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

Sarah

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How to Stop Cosleeping and Bedsharing….

Before I start this blog I want to point out the difference between bedsharing and cosleeping:

Bedsharing = Sharing a bed with your child

Cosleeping = Sharing a room (but not necessarily bed) with your child.

This article is actually about moving on from bedsharing, but for SEO purposes I’ve included cosleeping in the title as many still refer to bedsharing as cosleeping.

So, for one reason or another you are thinking about moving on from bedsharing. One of the questions I’m most commonly asked is “when do children grow out of the need to sleep with somebody?”, or in other words – when do children naturally outgrow bedsharing? They all do of course, I have never heard of a teenager who still sleeps in the same bed as their parents. The answer however is commonly one that is not very popular. Most children will naturally want to stop bedsharing at some point between three and seven years of age.

My own daughter stopped bedsharing, entirely of her own accord, when she was four. You can read our story HERE

I can understand why some people may not to wait that long though, but if you are not totally child led is there a way to stop bedsharing that is gentle? I think there is and this is how I would do it.

1. Night wean first.

If you are still feeding your child at night (particularly if you breastfeed) I would not consider stopping bedsharing until they are night weaned. if you do you are likely to experience lots of disturbance at night and your child has two big things to handle at once, which I don’t believe is fair. I also believe it is gentler to night wean while your child still has the close proximity of you for reassurance. For my nightweaning advice see HERE.

2. Introduce other comfort cues.

Your child will need things in his or her own room to help them to feel secure in your absence. Think about conditioning a certain smell, a certain light, a certain blanket, a certain story book, certain music (for my suggestions see HERE) for AT LEAST six weeks while you are still bedsharing. The aim here is that these all make the child feel secure and remind them of you, even when you’re not there.

3. Get the child used to their own room

You can do this point at the same time as number two. You should set your child’s bedroom up at least two months before you plan to stop bedsharing. Ideally they will have a big say in the decor. You should play in their bedroom with them as much as possible every single day, ideally for at least half an hour. They need to view their bedroom as a really happy and positive place to be.

4. Ditch the idea of a cot or crib

In my experience babies and toddler who have previously bedshared will very rarely ever be happy to sleep in a cot or a crib. I would go so far as to say most babies dislike cots and cribs, but those who have bedshared seem to have a special hatred of them. Save your time and your energy and don’t try to get them to sleep in one. Instead my top tip is to go straight for a floor bed. A floor bed is simply a mattress on the floor. You could use the one from your cot or crib, or you could use a single bed mattress. I would suggest you don’t go bigger than a single mattress however as the extra space can be a little overwhelming for babies and make them feel less ‘cosy’ and secure. You may want to use something underneath the mattress for air flow, such as a trundle bed base or bed slats (you can buy these easily online, they are often called ‘replacement bed slats’ and tend to come held together by two lines of thick tape). Of course you need to make sure the bedroom is as ‘child friendly’ as possible and posing no threats to safety (secure furniture and blind cords etc..and for under 12 months stick with sleeping bags, not duvets). The beauty of a floor bed is it allows you to still cuddle the child to sleep and then gently roll away, without trying to put them down (which invariably wakes them). Here are some floor bed examples (photos courtesy of Kirstie Lucas, Amy Jones, Lucy and Lee):

5. Room in.

This builds on point four. For the first two weeks of your child being in their own bedroom you should ‘room in’ with them, that means sleeping with them in their bed for the whole night for a fortnight (if they are on a cot or crib mattress you may want to use a bed roll or air mattress next to them). After two weeks, when your child is now used to sleeping in their own room you can slowly roll away from them once they are asleep. If they wake in the night then you simply lay alongside them and cuddle them until they are asleep again.

The whole process from decision to (hopefully) sleeping alone in their own room, after you have night weaned takes around two months. It’s not quick, however it works and most importantly it doesn’t distress your child (or you!).

One last little point to consider, think about the timing. Don’t be tempted to move your child because you’re going back to work, the extra closeness to you at night will most likely help them with the transition of missing you during the day. Similarly don’t move them during a period of separation anxiety, you’re likely to make it worse. As a general rule avoid 8 to 15 months for this reason. Don’t move them either just before, or just after a new baby arrives. You don’t want them to feel that they have been moved out to make space for their new sibling. Becoming a new big brother or sister is hard enough as it is. If you want to move your child to make space for a new baby don’t do it either side of a new baby being due/arriving. Lastly, there will always be times when your child needs to be close to you again, particularly when they are ill or in pain. Don’t be scared to let them back into your bed again temporarily when it happens.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

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You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Aiming for 70/30: When ‘Good Enough Parenting’ is Enough

There are two prevalent myths surrounding gentle parenting:

1. Gentle parenting is permissive parenting. It’s all about letting children get their own way because you’re too scared to upset them by disciplining them.

2. Gentle parenting is akin to martyrdom. It’s about always doing what’s best for your child, at whatever cost to yourself.

Neither of these are correct. They are not at all what gentle parenting is about.

Those parents who understand gentle parenting will know that in truth it is all about balance. Balancing the needs of parent(s) and child. Discipline plays a vital role (as I’ve discussed in more detail here and here and here) and so does self care. In fact, mistakes are essential for effective parenting, they provide an opportunity to learn not only for the parent, but the child too.

There are no ‘gentle parenting rules’ to break, no tests to fail. Gentle parenting is about one thing: respect. Respect for your child and respect for yourself. Respecting our children means following their cues. While many gentle parents choose to ‘wear’ their babies or share a bed with their children, these are merely personal choices in response to their cues of the children. If a child prefers to be ‘out of arms’ a respectful parent will follow these cues and give them their space. This is the very beauty of gentle parenting – there are no rules! Respect for our children is important, but not at the expense of respect for ourselves. If we do not respect ourselves what sort of a role model are we for our children?

Here’s the thing. All parents make mistakes, all parents have days that they are not proud of. All parents make sacrifices and compromises. No parent is perfect. It is these mistakes that are the most important in terms of our growth as parents. Each time we don’t quite do our best we can learn and we can teach our children how to handle disappointment, failure and making mistakes. We can teach them grace, honesty and humility.

When I give Gentle Parenting talks I always speak about the 70/30 rule. Be the best parent you can be seventy percent of the time and don’t worry too much about the other thirty percent. I like to think of this as a daily quota that resets at midnight each night. If I can get through an average day feeling good about my parenting about seventy percent of the time, then it’s OK to have thirty percent I’m not proud of or didn’t do quite as I wanted.

When I speak to parents I’m often asked questions like “well don’t you ever reward/bribe your own children?”, in honesty, yes I do. Sometimes. Take for example when I’m doing a radio interview to several million people and I’m expected to be ‘a parenting expert’. I have four children, very close in age, who I don’t trust to a. not yell, b. not try to kill each other or c. not decide to loudly sing Taylor Swift/rap the Fresh Prince of Bel Air/impersonate Sponge Bob/have a farting competition right at the exact point I am speaking to half of the nation about how to parent. You can imagine that any of these happening live on air would not be good for my professional reputation. So what do I do? Yes I talk with them, tell them how important it is etc…but also I know that they are only 8, 11, 12 and 13 and that they have poor impulse control. I know in all likelihood that the lure of a, b or c above will be stronger than the urge to not embarrass mummy in front of the nation. So I bribe them – more screen time, chocolate, buying films on Sky, whatever it takes to not undo everything I’ve just said on the radio. But (and it’s a big but). I try to restrict this to only thirty percent of my parenting.

Now, I’m not shy about admitting my shortcomings. In my BabyCalm book I talk about hiding my own postnatal depression, in ToddlerCalm I talk about my massive mummy meltdown and in The Gentle Parenting Book I talk about my propensity to yell (a lot). I am not perfect. In part I do what I do because I’ve been where you are and made as many mistakes as you have but want you to know you can still make it through the other side with your goals to parent gently intact. I actually inherently distrust parenting experts who come across as always being perfect. I always wonder if they are trying to hide something, or perhaps they are genuinely that perfect. Either way I don’t find it inspiring, or real.

The thing is parenting is hard work. Really bloody hard work. Harder than anything else I’ve ever done. As the children get older it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. We have to try to balance this with work, adult relationships and keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. It is just not possible to be everything. A much more realistic goal to aim for is that of Winnicott’s ‘Good Enough Mother’. In my book seventy percent is more than ‘good enough’. I don’t mean that you have a pass to be and do whatever you want thirty percent of the time. The key with gentle parenting is to always at least TRY to be mindful and respectful. There are times though that while you may know the ‘right’ thing to do, for various reasons it just isn’t possible or just doesn’t work quick enough. In those times I truly believe that “do your best, whatever your best is” is just fine. Just so long as it’s thirty percent of the time or less and just so long as you forgive yourself when it happens and move on rather than throwing in the towel and thinking “ah well, I screwed up, I might as well give up this gentle parenting lark.” Your best is good enough. Those times when you got it ‘right’. The times where you counted to ten and responded with compassion and understanding. Those times when you connected when you least felt like it. These are the times that matter. They are not eroded by the times you don’t get it right. They always exist. Keep them in the majority, that’s good enough. Good enough to raise the type of individual you hope to raise. One who tries their best, but understands and accepts the times, and themselves, when they cannot.

The ‘thirty percent times’ can often be more valuable than the ‘seventy percent times’ too. These are the times that are eye opening. They show us what we need to work on within ourselves. They show us our trigger points. They show us how to cope with our anger. They show us areas we need to concentrate more on with our children. They show us how to turn a ‘bad’ situation into something positive when we use it as a learning experience for our children and apologise to them. Above all else though they show us where and when we are lacking self care. If your thirty percent starts to creep up it is a sure fire sign that you need support and breathing space. Sometimes it means you need physical space. Sometimes you need physical help or to take more care of your body. Sometimes you need somebody to talk to and sometimes you need to simply forgive yourself. Whatever your need it takes priority. Nobody can nurture anybody or anything else effectively if they need to nurture themselves. This is why so much of my Gentle Parenting Book is dedicated to self care and forgiveness. If these don’t exist you can never parent in the way you hope to.

So, start tomorrow. Keep a tally of your percentages in your mind. The chances are on most of the days your ratios will look something like 90/10, but some days there will be 50/50 days, some days there will even be the odd 40/60. On these days, rather than attacking your own self worth and esteem see them as a sign that you need a break. Celebrate the 70, 80 and 90 days. Let them build your confidence and belief in yourself. You are good enough.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram You can also sign up for my free weekly parenting newsletter HERE.

Why we Need to be More Tolerant of Toddler Tantrums

Think back to a time your toddler (or, then toddler) had an epic tantrum. How did you feel?

Embarrassed
Distressed
Angry
Anxious
Helpless
Sad
Stressed
Out of control

Now imagine how your toddler felt at the time……………the chances are the list is pretty similar to yours. That’s because toddlers don’t tantrum on purpose, they simply can’t help it. Just as you are desperate to stop the tantrum they are probably eager for a sense of equilibrium too.

So why do toddlers tantrum so much? Quite simply because their brains are incredibly immature. On top of an immature brain they also live in a confusing world and most importantly a world that they have no control of. Imagine how it must feel to have no idea what you’re doing today, no idea where you’re going, when you will get to eat or drink and when you’ll be coming home. Imagine being two foot tall and being towered over by hundreds of pairs of legs. Imagine the lighting and noises of a shopping centre viewed from that height and how stressful that may be, especially when you have no idea where you are or when you’re going home. Imagine being paraded past rows upon rows of objects that you covet – designer handbags, diamond jewellery, sports cars – and not even being allowed to touch their beautiful glory, let alone take one home. Life for a toddler is full of forbidden fruit, day after day. Life for a toddler is full of sensory overload and life for a toddler is full of a complete lack of autonomy.

Now imagine all of that happening in your life, but not having the brain development to put the brakes on and control your responses. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, social regulation, emotion regulation and analytical and hypothetical thought (the bit that allows you to think “what would happen if I did that?”) are just not developed in toddlers. Imagine how it feels to be overwhelmed, out of control and surrounded by forbidden fruit when you simply cannot control your response. Now, to make it even worse once a toddler starts to tantrum those huge overwhelming feelings consume them to a point that they simply cannot calm themselves down, they don’t have the same emotion regulation skills as you do. When a toddler is mid tantrum they need us to help them to calm down. There is a certain irony here that the point when we really do not like being around them is the point they need us to be with them the most.

A good analogy for a toddler tantrum is a pot full of water on a stove. The gas is on full and the water soon begins to boil. The gas continues on full and soon the water is boiling over, spilling down the sides of the pot. It will continue in this manner until the pot boils dry and it’s source of water exhausted. That’s a toddler tantrum. Left to their own devices, perhaps in ‘time out’ or on a ‘naughty step’ that pot is just going to continue to boil over until the source is exhausted – or until the toddler exhausts themselves so much that they are ’empty’. Some may think time out and naughty steps, or any other ‘discipline’ method where the tantrum is ignored (under the false belief that this will stop it happening again) is effective. How can the toddler learn anything (which is the true goal of discipline) if they are left to ‘boil dry’?

So, if conventional behavioural control methods don’t work, what do you do? Here we go back to the pot analogy. Your ‘baby pot’ is boiling over with the gas on full. Here you step in and 1. turn the gas down, 2. put a lid on the pot and 3. mop up the spilled water. You first help to keep the toddler safe and attempt to diffuse the situation, you allow them their emotions, but you help them to express them in a more positive and calm way and you ‘mop up’ their pain and sorrow, perhaps with a big hug or some gentle words. I’ve written more HERE on how to cope with tantrums ‘in the moment’. In psychological terms this is a concept known as containment. You as the adult contain your toddlers big emotions, because their container is not big enough to do so without overflowing. Of course this is only possible if your container is not too full. Worries and stress about money, family situations or work, lack of support or not making time for ‘self care’ can all leave parents too full up to act as an overflow container for their toddlers. The answer here is to ‘offload’ some of your own ‘stuff’ – perhaps through a good chat with like-minded friends, yoga, mindfulness, exercise, a long indulgent bath or a hobby.

Does this approach mean that you are being permissive and letting your toddler “get away with anything”? Far from it. This approach doesn’t mean that you have to ‘give in’ to the toddler over whatever caused the initial tantrum. It just means that you support them through their big feelings that result. I’ve written more HERE on how to cope in the moment without being permissive and HERE about why gentle parenting isn’t permissive.

As adults we should expect toddlers to tantrum. Responding to them respectfully and supportively doesn’t mean that they will stop. As I said right at the beginning tantrums and toddlerhood are inseparable. What stops the tantrums ultimately? Brain development. When the child is old enough to control their impulses and emotions. Interestingly research has shown that the best way to grow the parts of the brain responsible for emotional regulation is via maternal nurturance. Science agrees with the idea of supporting, rather than punishing, todlders when they tantrum.

Ultimately what has to change though is society’s expectations and views of toddlers. Toddlerhood is viewed so negatively with phrases such as “the terrible twos” and “the threenage years”. Most people still view toddlers as ‘naughty’ when they tantrum and have no clue that they cannot help it due to their immature brains. In some cultures they understand this more and are more supportive of children. Western culture is incredibly childist and intolerant though. As illustrated by the recent story of a mother being asked to leave a large department store because her toddler was having a tantrum. This needs to change. All parents should be made aware of basic neuroscience in antenetal or postnatal classes and at the very least all health professionals who come into contact with young families should have a good knowledge of brain development and age appropriate behavioural expectations. Sadly, we’re not there yet……..

Sarah

p.s: if this post has piqued your interest in ‘gentle’ parenting, check out my new book for more on child brain development, behaviour and how to cope with it in a calmer, more mindful way.

What is Gentle Parenting – an Excerpt from The Gentle Parenting Book

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead – Cultural Anthropologist

Tiger parenting, French parenting, helicopter parenting, free range parenting, old fashioned parenting. The twenty first century has seen a tremendous surge in new trends of parenting styles. Why, might you ask, is there room for another one?

This is the beauty of gentle parenting. Gentle parenting isn’t a trend, it isn’t a label for a precise way of doing things according to one person’s point of view. Gentle parenting is an ethos, a way of being you might say. There are no rules to follow, no demands of your nationality, family finances or personal choices. In a nutshell, gentle parenting is a lifestyle that embraces both your physical and psychological behaviour, not only towards your children, but to yourself too.

Gentle parents come from all walks of life. Some choose to birth naturally at home, some elect for a Caesarean section. Some carry their babies in slings, some use prams. Some breastfeed, some formula feed. Some stay at home, some return to work. Some home school their children and others take a more mainstream educational route. They all have one thing in common though, their choices are all informed and educated and made out of respect and empathy for their children as well as themselves. This is gentle parenting, nothing more, nothing less.

Gentle parenting is mindful of current science and child psychology. It is also respectful of cultural and historical practices of child rearing. It is a holistic philosophy that embraces the emotional as well as practical aspects of parenthood. In gentle parenting children matter, but so do adults too. Parenting should be a dance between the needs of children and parents, with practice this dance can lead to something quite beautiful, with tremendous growth for both.

For too long parenting has been viewed as a battle. A battle for control between parent and child. Some parenting methods give all control to the children, for fear of the little tyrants becoming unmanageable monsters as they grow. Other methods give children far too much control, with parents scared to discipline when necessary, for fear of upsetting their delicate offspring. Gentle parenting is all about finding a balance of control, giving children just enough, at a time when they can handle it, with parents enforcing appropriate boundaries and limits. Gentle parenting is about being ever mindful of the long term effects of a parent’s actions as well as the immediate needs of safety and expectations of society.

Speaking of societal expectations, gentle parents understand that many of the beliefs society holds about the behaviour of children, at any age, are unrealistic. Much of what we know about children comes from outdated personal opinion. Many of today’s common parenting practices are not only at odds with the needs of children in the present moment, but they may possibly inhibit their development in the future. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to question commonly held wisdom, no matter who it is coming from. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to be an advocate for their child even when their behaviour is frowned upon by the mainstream. Gentle parents have a close connection to their children which allows the children to feel safe, respected and valued. In turn this nurturing environment raises confident, free thinking adults. As the anthropologist Margaret Mead says, never underestimate the difference a small group of committed individuals can make. What if the world embraced the notion of gentle parenting, would it change the world? I think it might just do!

Gentle Parents are not Perfect.

As optimistic as that might sound, gentle parenting isn’t about being perfect. All parents make mistakes. The key is learning from them. Understanding what happened, why it happened and how we can be and do better next time. From this perspective, making mistakes as a parent is not only understandable, but crucial. For it is only when we don’t quite do our best that we can learn to do better next time. Gentle parenting therefore is about embracing our imperfect selves, forgiving our mistakes and striving to grow as parents. As much as our children are learning, so are we too. Every parent has bad days, every parent has days when they shout, every parent has days that make them feel ashamed. Gentle parenting is absolutely not about being perfect. It’s about being real. Recognising when you are stressed and in need of some ‘me time’ in order to be a better parent. In fact this point is so important I have dedicated a whole chapter to it.

Gentle parenting is not easy, but what parenting is? It doesn’t however require anything more than love, dedication and consistency. It isn’t something that is reserved for the most naturally calm, highly educated, ‘stay at home’ parents or those with only one child. It doesn’t matter if you have a temper, how much money you have in the bank, what qualifications you have, whether you have one child or six. It doesn’t matter how you were parented yourself and it doesn’t matter if you started your parenting journey on a different path. At the end of this book you will find a chapter devoted to those parents who previously adopted other, perhaps less gentle, parenting methods and are looking for a different way. You will also find a section dedicated to how to cope with criticism of your parenting. Similarly in a later chapter I will also discuss what to expect in terms of results, when you should expect them and what to do if it gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Why Does Gentle Parenting Matter?

We live in a world that places more value on things than people. Society today is all about ‘the stuff’ and the pursuit of more. We spend so much time dwelling on the past and planning for the future that we forget to live today. Or we spend so long buried in the busyness of the present moment that we miss the things that really matter. Our society is selfish, violent, short sighted and focussed on conformity rather than respect for individuality. This is the world we are preparing our children for.

Do we really need to raise children to conform to this ideology? Or would it be better to raise free thinkers who question ‘the done thing’? Do we need more successful (in the monetary sense) professionals, or do we need more peacemakers? What matters more, happiness or fitting in? Do we really raise children who respect their own thoughts and bodies, or do we raise individuals with confidence and body image issues? Do we raise children who care about the environment or those who view everything as quick, fast, easy and disposable? Ironically in our quest to raise a child to fit with society’s goals we often bypass what’s really best for our child in exchange for raising them to fit in to ‘the system’. How will anything ever really change in our world if we don’t question commonly held beliefs and raise children who will not only question, but importantly help to change them too.

Gentle parenting is about creating the generation of the future. A future where adults respect not only themselves, but everything and everybody else around them. A future where happiness means so much more than the house you live in, the car on the drive and the label in your clothes. A future where violence is dramatically reduced, where differing opinions and beliefs are not only respected but valued because adults are confident enough in their own beliefs to not have to belittle those of others that differ. A future where discipline does not involve inflicting physical harm and pain, exclusion, shame and guilt on some of the most vulnerable members of society.

Gentle parenting is so much more than what you do with your child at any given moment in time. Raising our children gently builds a better future, for us all, too.

What Gentle Parenting Isn’t

Let’s get this out there right now. Gentle parenting isn’t permissive parenting. For those who are new to gentle parenting, perhaps practitioners of more mainstream methods, the most common criticism is relating to supposed permissiveness. They are wrong. Boundaries, limits and discipline play a crucial role in gentle parenting. If you do not discipline your child how can you be truly respectful of them?

Part of the problem is in the common understanding of what it means to discipline a child. Ask a straw poll what discipline means to them and the chances are you will be met with a list that includes: “I got the cane”, “my parents smacked me if I was out of line”, “send the child to the naughty step”, “if he’s naughty he goes to time out” or “I was sent to my room with no dinner if I was rude”.

In my opinion none of these are effective forms of discipline. They all rely on inflicting physical or emotional pain, through shame and exclusion. How does a child learn how to behave in a better manner if they are not shown what to do, if they have nothing and nobody good to model or they do not understand what they did wrong, or what they should have done instead?

Did you know that the word discipline actually means “to teach”? ‘Discipline’ stems from the word ‘Disciple’. What is a disciple? The dictionary describes it as such:

Disciple: “a follower of the doctrines of a teacher or a school of thought” from Latin discipulus pupil and discere to learn

Discipline implies that there are two active roles – the adult as teacher and the child as learner. Both should take an equal part of the process. How do children learn best? From imitating us, learning at their own (developmental) pace, learning in a place of safety and security and in a space where their natural desire to make sense of the world is not only respected but also fostered.

True discipline in society however is rare. Most children today are punished. Punished for being a child, punished for not acting like an adult, punished for being too inquisitive and eager to learn and punished for not having a well developed centre of self control in their brains. The dictionary definition of punishment is: “causing or characterised by harsh or injurious treatment; severe; brutal”. When children are punished no real learning takes place, the role of the child is passive. The goal of the adult is control and conformity.

In most cases misbehaviour is a cry for help. It shows us that all is not well in the child’s world. In effect most of the behaviour control methods in use in society today (the ones we usually describe as ‘discipline’ but more appropriately fit the definition of ‘punishment’) punish the child for having a problem, rather than trying to help them solve it. Do the problems disappear just because a punishment has been administered? Of course not, although the vocalisation or physical manifestations of them may. The problem remains, ready to rise on another day, like a festering wound covered with a fresh bandage. Why not help children to solve their problems? Surely then we are better teachers?

Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive Parenting Approaches.

In 1966 Psychologist Diana Baumrind coined her Parenting Typology, a description of three distinct parenting styles. Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive. Baumrind was particularly interested in two facets of parenting behaviour, first the demand parents placed on children in terms of what they expected of them and their behaviour and secondly the responsiveness the parents showed to the children which indicated how in tune, and responsive to, the child’s needs the parents were.

The three parenting styles can be briefly summarised as:

Authoritarian

Highly demanding. Parent expects behaviour that is perhaps not age appropriate.

Strict boundaries and limits, often in excess.
Boundaries and limits enforced using punishments.
Child is given very little autonomy.
Little regard is given to the age appropriateness of the punishment.
Very parent centred approach, the adult knows best.
Parent not concerned with their own behaviour and often not good role models
Low levels of affection. Low levels of responsivity.
Little respect for the child, but demands a lot of respect of the parent.

Authoritative

Parents are demanding of the child, but their expectations are age appropriate.
Parent sets realistic boundaries and limits.
Boundaries and limits are always enforced respectfully
The child is given some freedom and age appropriate autonomy
Age appropriate discipline is key
A largely child centred approach. The child is respected as well as the parent.
The parent understands the effects of their own emotions.
Parents show a great amount of affection and have a good connection to the child.
Parent is highly responsive to the child’s needs.

Permissive

Parents have little demand of the child and very low expectations of behavioural
The child is often capable of better behaviour but this is not encouraged.
Little or no boundaries or limits.
What boundaries do exist are not enforced
Child is allowed to do whatever they like and often given too much freedom
Unwanted behaviour is not disciplined and is often explained away.
Child is in control, parent has little control.
Parent may struggle with their own emotions.
Highly affectionate.
Highly responsive to the child’s needs, but can misinterpret them.

Baumrind stated that ideally “parents should be neither punitive nor aloof. Rather, they should develop rules for their children and be affectionate with them.” Or in other words the ideal parents would walk a carefully balanced line of good responsiveness and appropriate demand of the child, mindful of their development. The definition of this? Authoritative parenting, or as I like to call it: Gentle Parenting.

This is an except from my latest book: ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’. If you’d like to read on you can find the book in all good bookshops, including Amazon and The BookDepository which ships internationally.

When (and How) Should you Drop a Nap?

Do you know how many naps your child should have per day and how long each nap should last for?

It may surprise you that actually nobody knows how long babies and toddlers should nap for and how many naps they should have per day.

If you have followed recommendations from a book or chart, it’s important to know that the figures they contain are completely most likely based on nothing more than personal opinion and random guesswork. There is no science which tells us what the ‘ideal’ baby or toddler nap looks like and none which shows us how many they should have based on age. Each child is different. What works for one won’t work for another exactly the same age.

The best way to ascertain how many naps your child should have (and how long they should last for) is to follow the cues your child gives to you. Far too many parents experience untold levels of stress worrying that their child is not meeting the recommended nap expectations for their age. They invest large amounts of time and energy (and often money) to try to get their child to nap more often, or nap for longer, largely because they are following un-evidence based guidelines and not their child.

What science can tell us is the average length of time babies and toddlers sleep for during the day at a given age. It’s important to understand here that we’re only working with averages, there will always be children who sit well outside of these and are perfectly fine. Some will sleep for much more, some for much less. Some will take this sleep over several short ‘catnaps’ and some will take it over one or two much longer naps. Both are equally fine and healthy.

Newborn: 5-6hrs average total day sleep
3 months 4-5hrs average total day sleep
6 months 3-4hrs average total day sleep
9 months 2-3hrs average total day sleep
12 months 2-3hrs average total day sleep

What we do know is that daytime naps naturally lessen in length and frequency as the child gets older. This is because they can tolerate more awake time, from both a physiological and neurological perspective as they grow. Circadian rhythms also mature as sleep begins to consolidate, particularly at night. In general the more night sleep consolidates so lessening naps correlate. Research has shown that post two years daytime napping is correlated with a later onset of bedtime sleep and less night sleep. Or in other words, overly encouraging naps in toddlerhood can lead to more trouble with sleep at night.

Are There any Averages for Frequency of Naps?

Not evidence based ones, however in my experience the following patterns seem most common:

Newborn – no specific pattern
3-6months – 4 or 3 naps per day
6-9months – 3 or 2 naps per day
9-12months – 1 or 2 naps per day
12-18months – usually 1 nap per day
18-30months – daytime naps stop on most days at some point.

Now, these are just averages based on my professional experience, there will always be babies and toddlers who sit outside of these. There will always be an eight month old who doesn’t nap at all and a three year old who naps every day, this just provides a vague timeline. This isn’t a list of ‘shoulds’ though. Remember there is no such thing as ‘should’ in terms of length, timing or frequency of baby and toddler naps.

Dropping Naps

The only predictability when it comes to naps is that all babies start out napping and at some point over the next four years or so the frequency of naps reduces until ultimately they stop sleeping during the day.

The best way to drop a nap is to be ‘baby led’. That means ideally following your child’s cues or allowing it to happen totally naturally. The following are signs that your child is perhaps ready to drop a nap:

Taking much longer to fall asleep for naps
Not falling asleep during things that usually end in sleep – e.g feeding or babywearing
Waking after fifteen minutes or so of napping
Difficulty getting back to sleep when waking after a short nap
Difficulty falling asleep in the evening (more than previously)
More night waking than usual
Early morning waking (earlier than usual)
Skipping a nap every now and again
Complete reluctance to nap at a time they previously napped.

How to Handle Nap Drops.

There are two main (gentle) approaches here:

Let it happen naturally – this can take several months for the nap to drop. Some days the baby will take the nap, others not. If you follow this approach don’t force a nap that is not happening. Try for a maximum of 15 minutes to get the baby to nap and then abandon the idea. Try again after a 15 minute break, this time for a maximum of 10 minutes. If it hasn’t happened by this point it’s not going to happen. The pro of this is that it’s totally baby led and very respectful of the child’s needs. The con is that it takes time and during that time you may have very difficult nights and an occasionally grumpy baby.
After spotting some of the above cues (if you don’t spot them don’t do this!) aim to shift your baby’s sleep timings to fit in with a dropped nap – e.g: if going from two to one, if they usually nap at 10am and 2pm, aim for one nap in the middle – at 12 lunchtime.Try to keep them awake and occupied – lots of play, talking and interaction and avoid things which trigger sleep – e.g: car rides – outside of this time zone. The pro here is this is definitely a quicker way to change naps, the cons is that you’re going to have mega grouchy, cranky baby for at least a couple of weeks while their body clock adjusts to the new timings. Initially they’re going to be sleep deprived as they lose a daytime nap but the night sleep is not yet consolidated. It takes time (at least 2 weeks) for this to happen. Think of it as your baby having severe jetlag for a fornight. Jetlag sucks, as adults we know how bad it feels, this is what your baby is going through. Definitely don’t drop naps around the time of a holiday, a big family get together or starting nursery!

Will the Naps Always Stay Dropped?

Probably not. As adults we haven’t napped every day for many, many years. Yet we still nap sometimes. On days when we feel ill, days when we’ve had a bad night sleep, days when we have a hangover, days when we’ve been really busy and working hard. Babies and toddlers are no different. There will be days for many years to come where they will have a random nap outside of their normal timings. This is really no bad thing. If they nap they obviously need it, so leave them to it! What you’re aiming for is a fairly consistent pattern, not a robotic schedule.

Sarah

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VLOG: Is Feeding Your Baby to Sleep a Bad Habit?

I’m commonly contacted by parents asking the following questions:

“I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feed to sleep and instead I should put my baby down ‘drowsy but awake’. Is it true that feeding to sleep is a bad habit?”

“I think I’ve created a sleep problem by breastfeeding when my baby wakes in the night. Should I stop doing it?”

“My partner breastfeeds at night and our baby won’t let me settle him as a result. How can we break this bad sleep association so I can settle him?”

It seems that ‘sleep trainers’ everywhere are fixed upon scaring parents away from feeding to sleep and feeding in the night. It’s commonly considered a poor sleep association, a bad habit or problematic. In this video I discuss this issue and tell you the truth!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

VLOG: The Importance of Bedtime Routines for Babies & Toddlers (and how to create a good one!)

I thought it was about time I ventured into the world of vlogging, so I’m pleased to bring you my very first video!

This one is all about bedtime routines, why they’re so important, why you shouldn’t be scared of them, why being child led is not always great and how to create the most ‘sleep friendly’ bedtime routine.

Happy watching!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Can Gentle Parenting and Mainstream Schooling Ever Mix?

Is it possible to parent gently and send your child to mainstream school? A question I’m often asked by parents.

What should parents look for when choosing a school?

How should they handle homework and behaviour policies that go against their beliefs?

I’ve answered some of these questions in ‘The Gentle Parenting Book‘ and I’ve addressed the issue of school behaviour control in a previous blog. This blog post commonly attracts negative responses from teachers, who say it’s just not possible to run a school any other way. Yet I believe it is.

I wanted to pose the question, of whether it is possible to integrate a respectful approach, mindful of the true needs and abilities of children into a more conventional educational setting, to somebody heavily involved in education. Who could be better than a headteacher? Rob Dell is a headteacher at a UK state school in Hertfordshire. His responses are thought provoking and inspiring.

So, for those of you not keen on home education, unschooling or alternative schools such as Steiner, read on…..

Continue reading “Can Gentle Parenting and Mainstream Schooling Ever Mix?”

Toddlers all Sleep Through the Night – Don’t They?

Parents expect their small babies to wake at night frequently. Night feeds are accepted as the norm for at least the first three months (and beyond) by most sources. Something changes after six months though, we expect babies to start ‘sleeping through the night’. For each month past six months of age, that a baby still wakes, they are slowly considered more and more problematic. It’s rare that the wisdom of this is challenged, despite science showing that over half of nine and twelve month olds wake regularly at night.

Post twelve months, toddlers who wake at night are almost certainly considered to have a ‘sleep problem’ by most experts. The common assumption is at this age they should no longer have milk in the night, should be sleeping in their own bed (or cot/crib) in their own room and should make it through from 7pm to 7am without disturbing their parents. This is so short sighted and misinformed it’s almost funny. I say ‘almost’ because if you’re the parent of a toddler who wakes regularly at night it’s not funny. Especially when everybody is telling you that you and your child have a problem. I’m here to categorically tell you that you don’t.

I’m not saying it’s not bloody hard when you’re on to year two of next to no sleep, it is, however it’s highly likely that there is nothing at all wrong with your toddler. The problem is firmly in the hands of the misinformed expectations held by society. Realistically, night waking remains a completely normal part of life right through to the child’s second birthday and beyond. In fact I would say one of the trickiest ages for sleep is around eighteen months – something people commonly refer to as “the 18 month sleep regression”. Why? Read on……..

Why Do Toddlers Wake So Often At Night?

I should add a caveat here, a lot of people think I “know all of the answers”, I don’t. If I’m honest, I have no idea why your toddler is waking lots at night. Toddler sleep is much more complex than baby sleep in my opinion, because there is so much more going on in their worlds. The following are what I consider the top reasons for toddler night waking, but by no means is this list exhaustive.

Struggling with a sense of control and autonomy. Toddlers need a certain level of control over their lives to feel happy and secure, in many cases the amount of autonomy they need does not match that which they actually get. There are very few things they have full control over 1. when and what they eat, 2. when and how they go to the toilet and 3. when and how they sleep. This issue is compounded by using cots and cribs which effectively contain the toddler in a space where they may not want to be, for this reasons floor beds can often make a really positive impact. See more HERE. Sleep issues may indicate a toddler who needs to be afforded more control in their life. In many aspects, not just sleep.

Feeling insecure after the arrival/the imminent arrival of a new sibling. This is such a huge one. It is so completely and totally normal for a toddler (even if they previously slept through the night) to start waking regularly once a new sibling arrives on the scene. Think about it from their perspective, their whole world has been turned upside down. You know you don’t love them any less, but they don’t see that. They see a new baby taking hugs that would normally have been theirs and their insecurity manifests in tricky behaviour in the day and waking more at night.

The upheaval of starting preschool/nursery. Their little world has changed. Gone is the safety and predictability of home and known people, replaced with a loud, bright and busy environment that they have no control over full of people they don’t know. No matter how much they enjoy preschool or nursery and love their time there, it can still be very unsettling and cause sleep regressions as a result.

A changing diet. Picky eating is normal in the toddler years. Picky eating however can commonly result in a lack of nutrients essential for sleep and quite simply, hunger at night. A bedtime snack may help here. Toddler diets also tend to be quite carbohydrate heavy, but a good mix of carbs and protein are necessary for sleep. In addition a lot of the foods and drinks given to toddlers can contain E-Numbers, artificial colourings in particular, which are known to make children hyperactive, in fact these are also commonly found in popular toddler medicine, such as Calpol.

Mother returning to work. Often mothers will return to work towards the end of the first year. No matter how wonderful the daycare is, the toddler will still have what I call an ‘attachment deficit’. Simply, they need to reconnect with the mother at night when she returns home from work. They need at least 2 hours of this before bedtime begins, something that often doesn’t happen. If their attachment deficit isn’t resolve in the evening when they are awake they will try to resolve it at night, waking regularly for reassurance and in the case of a breastfed toddler – reverse cycling (lots of night breastfeeding).

Toilet training. Even potty training that goes well in the day can impact sleep negatively at night. If the toddler is still in nappies they may wake and become distressed when they go to the toilet at night, as they are now used to using the potty in the day. If they are nappyless at night, it’s common they will have bedwetting accidents for several years to come (this is normal right up to seven years of age).

Too much sleep. For many families this idea seems absurd. Their toddler is waking regularly at night, how on earth could they be getting too much sleep? The main culprit here is usually naps. It’s fairly common for an eighteen month old to drop daytime naps completely, at this age needing more than one nap per day is very rare. Encouraging more (or any) naps in the day than the toddler needs may be one of the biggest reasons for frequent night waking. During the toddler years total sleep need in a 24 hour period ranges from nine to sixteen hours, this means that for some toddlers who have a two hour nap in the daytime, total sleep need at night is only seven hours!

Bedtime too early. Most parents consider a normal toddler bedtime to be around 7pm, however this is likely to be too early. If a toddler goes to bed before their body is chemically ready they may find it harder to get to sleep and associate bedtime with arousal, or they may wake frequently, especially in the earlier part of the night. Research has found that the onset of the melatonin (the sleep hormone) rise in toddlers averages at 7:40pm, meaning that bedtime should occur at roughly 8 to 8:30pm.

Light pollution. Many toddlers have bedrooms full of night lights, light up sleep training clocks, glowing cuddly toys and light shows. Every single one of these has the potential to inhibit sleep and should be removed from the toddler’s room, unless the light is red. More on this HERE.

Screens and TV too close to bed. This causes problems for two reasons, increasing brain activity and too much blue light emitted near to bedtime which inhibits sleep. Toddlers should have no exposure to screens (TV, laptops, tablets etc..) for at least a two hour period before bedtime, that means no more CBeebies bedtime hour!

Anxiety and fear. The toddler years can see the development of many different fears and anxieties, often related to what is happening in the child’s daytime. New siblings, starting nursery, mothers returning to work, things they have seen on television can all make toddlers anxious. Similarly this is the age that fear of the dark usually appears. Removing or reassuring these anxieties as much as possible is key. The best way to do this? Allow the toddler to sleep in close proximity to you. THESE are also a great way to ease anxiety and fear at night.

Nightmares and Night Terrors. This is the age of the apperance of nightmares and night terrors. Both can play a significant role in disturbed sleep over the next few years at least. See HERE for more on the differences and how to help.

Too cold in the night. This is commonly the age that parents will change their toddler’s bedding to a quilt or duvet. Some toddlers do well with this, but most don’t. Duvets are hard to maneuvre when you’re little and can often leave the toddler too hot, or perhaps more importantly, too cold. Either will make them wake in the night, but particularly cold. Sleeping bags can cause problems at this age too, toddlers often don’t like the restriction in movement and most importantly the covered feet means that they cannot control their body temperature properly (bare feet are important at night for temperature regulation, I’m sure you know somebody who sleeps covered up with their feet sticking out!). For this reason, the best bedding for toddlers is a 2.5 tog sleeping bag with fitted legs and exposed feet – like THIS.

As I mentioned previously this list is by no means exhaustive, there are many more elements that impact toddler sleep (health, environment, bedtime routine and parental discipline for starters), but I hope it helps parents to understand what may be happening to their toddler’s sleep.

It is NORMAL for toddlers to wake regularly at night, perhaps the hardest months are months eighteen to twenty four, but it will pass, it will get better. Just knowing that your child is not ‘problematic’ can be quite powerful.

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!