Sarah Ockwell-Smith

What Is Gentle Parenting and Why Should You Try It?

What It Is

Gentle Parenting is a scientific, evidence based, approach to raising confident and happy children. It is a parenting ethos characterised by the following four tenets:

Empathy

Gentle Parents are ‘mind minded’, that is they raise their children in a manner that they are aware and considerate of the child’s feelings. Too many parenting styles consider only the parent’s feelings when resolving problems, yet research shows us that the best way to raise an empathic child (or what many would call “a kind child”) is to be empathic towards them.

Most difficult parenting situations arise because the child’s needs are misunderstood, this is largely because most popular parenting methods consider young children “manipulative” or “naughty”. If the parent takes time to consider the child’s feelings and the root cause of their misbehaviour, in most cases it becomes obvious that the child’s behaviour is a sign of distress, unease, anxiety or fear. Once the true feeling and cause behind a behaviour has been identified it can be dealt with and ultimately the reasoning behind the ‘bad behaviour’ is extinguished, leaving the unwanted behaviour extinct. If parents only respond to the superficial behaviour without empathy the root cause is never dealt with and the behaviour will either continue or will manifest in another undesirable behaviour at a later date.

2. Respect

Most parents demand respect from their children, yet few truly respect their children in turn. This is a two-way equation. If parents respect their children and most importantly their child’s unique feelings and personality, then the child in turn is more likely to respect the parent. It is impossible to command true respect from somebody via fear or a mis-balance of power. Think of the people you most respect in your life, how did they gain your respect? Did they demand it, or did they earn it? Did they respect you? Do famous dictators really command respect? Or do people follow them out of fear?

Once a child respects you they become intrinsically drawn to want to help you and to keep you happy. Just as you desire to help and make happy those you respect and like.

3. Understanding

Babies are not mini adults, toddlers are not mini adults, pre-schoolers are not mini adults, tweens are not mini adults and teens are not mini adults. The human brain is not fully developed until the child enters their third decade of life. It is not until sometime after their twentieth birthday that we can expect a child to think and feel like an adult. Their brains are different. Their neurological functioning means that they do not see the world in the same way as us, they do not have the same control over their behaviour, the same ‘self soothing’ skills, the same empathy skills, or the same abstract thinking skills as adults. This means that our expectations of what is normal and what is problematic behaviour needs to change.

Expectations such as when children should share, when children should sit still and quietly, when children should cease tantruming and when children should sleep through the night change when parents understand some simple brain biology. With these new expectations and understanding it becomes far easier to parent our children.

Gentle Parenting also requires parents to understand how their own behaviour impacts on their children. If parents act violently, through smacking, spanking, yelling, biting back or so on then they are providing a role model behaviour for their children to mimic. Violent (whether physical or verbal) parents raise violent children. Modifying our own behaviour and communication is therefore vital. So to is communicating in a way that is positive and child centric, mindful of neurological immaturity. For instance telling a toddler “be a good boy” is not just meaningless (what does “being good” mean? Even an adult struggles with that concept, but to a toddler not capable of abstract through it is impossible), it can also be incredibly confusing (it doesn’t tell the child what they should or shouldn’t do) and also damaging too (labelling children as “naughty” can cause immense damage to their confidence and future motivation).

4. Boundaries

Gentle parenting is not permissive. It is not ‘lazy parenting’. These are two common insults that those who are ignorant as to the ethos’ real meaning often use. Gentle Parenting embraces discipline as a vital part of parenting. The simple difference is that gentle discipline is age appropriate, positive, respectful, empathic and intelligent.

The word ‘discipline’ actually means “to teach”. Think of the stories of Jesus and his disciples (disciples being ‘those being taught’, stemming from the same root word as “discipline”). Would Jesus have been considered such a great teacher if he taught his disciples by yelling at them, sending them to another room, smacking them, ignoring them, shaming them, taking away their beloved items or making them sit on a prescribed spot or step?

Great teachers teach out of respect, passion and understanding. To discipline a child means to teach them the qualities you most want them to have in life. If you want a child to be a free-thinker, should you really discipline them for questioning an instruction you give? Positive discipline fosters the traits you would like your child to develop as they grow while helping them to understand how to display them in an appropriate and socially acceptable way in the interim.

Many conventional parents over discipline, saying “no” becomes reflexive, the big stuff gets muddled up with the small stuff, which is confusing to a child. Gentle Parents take time to set limits and boundaries for those things that really matter to them (things like “not hurting others”, or “not throwing objects indoors”) and importantly they always enforce them. Having less, but constantly enforced, boundaries is very important. It allows the child to feel safe to explore the world having clear areas that they know are ‘off limits’. A world without boundaries is a confusing place, we all need them.

The manner of discipline is different too in gentle parenting. The discipline used is done with the aim of teaching the child and also with their level of brain development in mind. What does a two-year old learn when they bite another child and are forced to sit on the naughty step for two minutes? Their brains are not developed enough for empathy or analytical thought so they cannot consider how the other child feels, or that what they did was ‘wrong’. Instead they sit on the step quietly for two minutes, because like a dog in an obedience class, they learn that if they sit still and quietly they will eventually be allowed off of the step. No change has happened in their motivation. They will still bite again. In this popular parenting example the parent has failed to understand two important things 1. the motivation and feelings behind the behaviour and 2. the neurological limitations of the toddler brain.

In the same situation gentle parents would work on helping the child to express their ‘big feelings’ that motivated the behaviour (perhaps fear, anxiety or anger) and would teach them more appropriate ways to demonstrate them that don’t involve hurting others. This would be done as a team effort, there is no ‘winner’ or ‘loser’ in Gentle Parenting. No parent triumphing over their naughty child. Just families working together. Punishment should not play a part here, for it does not teach the child what they should do instead or how to help them to release their big feelings in a more socially acceptable way, it just makes them sit with these uncomfortable big feelings for longer.

What It Isn’t

Gentle Parenting is not permissive parenting. Gentle parents can often be more ‘strict’ than more mainstream parents. They just choose their boundaries wisely with the neurological capabilities of their child in mind.

There are three main types of parenting style that can classify all others:

Authoritarian

This is ‘old school’ parenting. It expects a lot from the child, in fact too much – authoritarian parents expect their children to behave in ways an adult would and are blind to the difference in brain development. In most cases there is a lack of emotional connection between the parent and child (in turn this lack of connection can often spur the child to misbehave). Punishment plays a big role here and the power is all given to the adult. Authoritarian parenting techniques include smacking/spanking, sending to their room, time out, naughty step, controlled crying and ‘cry it out’ sleep training. Research has shown that this style of parenting can damage the child’s confidence, happiness, intelligence and can often lead to more problematic behaviour as the child ages.

Authoritative

Authoritative parenting expects a lot from the child, however the expectations are age appropriate. Authoritative parents don’t expect children to be ‘mini adults’, they understand that their brains work differently and expectations are adjusted accordingly. There is a strong level of emotional connection and a large amount of mutual respect. Authoritative parents respect their children and their children respect them. Discipline plays a big role, though it is true and positive discipline with the aim of learning and growth and not punishment. The parents will guide their children to more appropriate behaviour and will also help them to control and regulate their behaviour until the child develops their own emotional regulation skills. Authoritative parenting has been shown time and again to be the most effective parenting style for raising confident, happy, intelligent and independent children.

Permissive

Permissive parenting is classified by low expectations of the child. They may not necessarily be age appropriate and permissive parents may be heard saying “oh he’s only a child” to excuse behaviour that is truly inappropriate for a certain aged child. Permissively parented children “get away with stuff” that they really shouldn’t do. Permissive parents commonly have a good attachment with their child and a strong emotional connection. This style of parenting however can prove damaging. It is often classified by a lack of discipline and guidance, which can lead to children growing to be insecure, anxious and out of control.

Gentle Parenting is Authoritative Parenting! The style of parenting science has proven time and again to be the healthiest way to raise a confident, happy, independent, intelligent kind child.

Gentle parents come from all walks of life. They are not uninformed (far from it – they can usually quote the latest scientific research on all aspects of parenting), they are not lazy (gentle parenting is often far more taxing for the parents than authoritarian or permissive), they are not ‘hippies’ (there are no rules to say parents should make any lifestyle choice – they can and do eat meat, wear clothing from the high street, use a buggy or stroller, use disposable nappies, use formula milk, birth in hospital and like music in the current charts. Some are vegan, some wear tie die, some babywear, some use cloth nappies, some breastfeed, some homebirth and some like to listen to whale music but that’s far more about their own personality, not the style of parenting they choose).

Why Should You Do It

Gentle Parenting comes with numerous benefits, for the parent and child – unlike most mainstream parenting methodologies where the benefits are almost always to the benefit of the parent to the detriment of the child.

Benefits include:

Plus it’s a lot more enjoyable, being friends with your child and teaching them is much better than being their enemy and punishing them. Gentle Parenting creates a parent-child bond for life and a strong relationship over the years to come. Who wouldn’t want to be the type of parent that their children would always turn to in the future, however old they are?

What’s Wrong With ‘Normal’ Parenting?

Most mainstream parenting practices are outdated and/or not supported by current scientific evidence. There is a lot wrong with parenting today. A lot of the most popular parenting methods today are remnants of our own parenting, our parents parenting and our grandparents parenting. In the days before large-scale psychological research. In the days when, simply put, we didn’t know better.

Some research is filtering through into everyday parenting practice, for instance most (though sadly not all) people now believe that it’s wrong to hit a child to discipline them, other practices though are muddier. Most parents don’t know the risks of sleep training, of overly praising or rewarding a child, or of punishing them through isolating methods such as time out or the naughty step. This is sadly not surprising given the outdated and un-evidence based views presented in most popular parenting television programmes, books and magazines. What many don’t understand however is that the information presented by the mainstream media today usually comes from childless journalists and ‘experts’ who at most have had a few years nanny training. The *real* experts, the doctors, the professors and the researchers, usually present a very different picture.

How You Do It

As a starting point consider the four elements of empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. Make sure that you understand normal child development and how the brain develops at each stage. It is especially important to have realistic expectations of babies and toddlers as these tend to be the most misunderstood years.

Consider your child’s feelings as well as your own and try to understand the big feelings that are causing them to act in the way that they do.

Ditch the naughty step, time out, superficial praise and rewards, controlled crying and other traditional styles of sleep training.

Once this is in place it’s time to move on to choosing, setting and enforcing boundaries and knowing what to do ‘in the moment‘. For a much more in-depth answer the upcoming ‘Gentle Parenting Book‘ covers ‘how to’ at all ages from birth to eight years of age.

Gentle Parenting at Night

Parenting is a 24/7 job. As much as most parents would like, their role doesn’t end at 7 or 8pm everyday when the children are in bed. Gentle Parents understand the importance of night-time parenting and why what you do at night matters just as much as you do during the daytime.

Children do not stop having needs, emotional or physical, just because the sun sets. Traditional sleep training is ignorant to these needs and poses many risks to the child’s developing mind and body. Many sleep ‘experts’ try to scare parents by telling them that “you must teach your child the important life skill of being able to put themselves to sleep”, or they will say “unless you teach your child to self soothe, they will not got enough sleep and this will be harmful to them”. They are wrong.

You cannot teach a child to self soothe, you cannot teach a child to effectively parent themselves at night, they still need you to do that, just as they do during the day. Responding to a child at night with empathy, understanding, respect and boundaries is just as important as it is during daylight hours.

What If It Doesn’t Work

Gentle Parenting sounds great, but what if you’ve tried it for a week, a month, a year or more and your child still doesn’t 1. sleep through the night, 2. stop having tantrums, 3. stop biting/hitting/screaming/whining? Does it mean the method has failed? Or does it mean you have failed to apply it? The answer is ‘neither’.

Parenting is a long-term business. No matter how many ‘experts’ may tell you that they can fix problems in one, two or three days, they can’t. What they can do is superficially – and temporarily – mask a deeper underlying problem, but there is categorically no way they can resolve it in such a short space of time. Why? Well inherently part of the ‘problem’ *is* childhood itself and all of the underdeveloped emotional control and understanding it brings. You simply can’t fix a child whose only problem is “being a child”.

Gentle parenting understands this. It understands the limitations of a child’s brain and it understands the longitudinal aspect of molding and shaping a growing individual. Gentle parents understand that all of the effort that they put in today may not truly bloom and blossom for another ten or twenty years. Gentle parenting isn’t about making an easy life for yourself today, it’s about investing in the future. It is parenting without selfishness. Gently parented children still cry, tantrum, hit and bite, because they are children. One day however they have a much better chance of being the type of person we all would hope to raise.

Being Gentle On Yourself

Whoever said gentle parenting was ‘accidental’ or ‘lazy’ clearly has never tried it. It’s hard, really hard. Parents have a tendency to put themselves last in the ‘needs equation’, but this is a mistake. An emotionally wrung out and stressed parent will be a parent prone to snap and yell. A parent who takes care of their own physical and emotional needs is one who is far more likely to be patient, calm and kind. Gentle parents need to be the latter, which means taking care of themselves and their own needs is just as important as taking care of their child’s.

Gentle parents still make mistakes, just like their children, they are learning too. The key here is to learn from the experience, forgive yourself, apologise to your child if necessary, take time for ‘self nurturance’ and vow to do better tomorrow. No parent will ever fully meet all of their child’s needs. Gently parented children still cry and sometimes that’s OK. Gentle parents cry too, often in front of their children, and that’s just fine too. In fact it’s a great way to teach children about emotions and why it’s good to release them.

For more on what gentle parenting is – and isn’t! – see my quick video explainer:

Want to learn more? Check out The Gentle Parenting Book

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Why babies hate cots and cribs – and what to do instead

Of all the parenting problems I am asked for help with, the following is the most common:

“how do I get my baby to sleep in his cot?”

“I want my baby to sleep in her crib, but she won’t, how do I make her like it?”

“I just want to be able to put him down for naps, help!”

I’ll let you into a secret.

Babies HATE cots and cribs.

(ps for American readers, in England we call cribs cots – just to confuse you!).

Babies even tend to hate cosleeper cribs (yes, I did say that and no, I have never and would never buy one myself). Most parents I speak with who have a cosleeper crib say something like the following:

“We have a cosleeper, but he never goes in it, he sleeps in my arms instead”.

“We got a cosleeper crib, but she just won’t sleep in it, it’s just an expensive place to store blankets and other stuff”.

Why do babies hate cots and cribs?

1. Because they are just not normal for our species.

Think about it, cots and cribs really are a very bizarre concept. We are the ONLY mammal in this world who invents an artificial containment device in which to place our offspring (away from us) to sleep. All other species sleep curled up together.

2. Because when you put them down into the cot/crib you trigger an alerting reflex.

The very act of putting a baby down, into the cot or crib, causes their falling reflex to trigger, startling them awake because of the presence of imminent danger (falling). If you do want to place a baby in a crib or a cot without waking them you need to start from a position that is level with the mattress so that no downward motion is necessary. This is pretty much only possible if you are using a cosleeper cot/crib and you feed the baby to sleep on the attached bed and then move them across into their cosleeper. This is presuming that you have a baby that is OK with point number 1 however.

3. Because they have no control about when they get in, or out of, the crib or cot.

In many ways a cot or crib is like a prison to a baby, if they want to get out of it they are at the mercy of somebody else. If they are tired and want to go in they have to be put in there by somebody else. This would be OK if they could talk and tell us very clearly that they wanted to get in or out, but they can’t.

If we’re tired we can choose to lay down on the sofa, in bed, or on a beanbag. When we’re ready to get up we do just that. If you want to create really good sleeping patterns in your children allowing them control over their own tiredness cues is the way to go.

How can you do this? You give them a sleeping surface that they can choose to go to whenever they want to sleep, or rest and one they can leave at their choosing. Something they have complete control over and don’t need your help with. Check out this great video which shows the concept being used by a nursery:

Meet the floor bed.

Floor beds coincidentally also address points 1 and 2 as well. If your baby is like any other mammalian baby on the planet floor beds allow them to fall asleep snuggled next to you. If you wish you can choose to leave them when they are asleep. They also avoid the need to put the baby down and thus bypass the falling reflex issue. Most importantly of all though they allow the baby some really important autonomy.

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How do you make a floor bed?

It really is very simple. Ditch your crib or cot apart from the mattress, put the mattress on the floor et voila – a floor bed. Some people opt for single mattresses, some prefer padded mats, some prefer kingsize mattresses so the whole family can share a floor bed, like this:

floorbed

Some use a futon mattress at the side of the baby’s floor bed in order for them to snooze next to the baby, feed or cuddle them to sleep, like this:

floorbed13m

Doesn’t the mattress need to breathe?

The jury is out on this one. Does the mattress need some airflow underneath it? Some people use a couple of bed slats underneath the mattress to give it a little bit of airflow, some lift the mattress and stand it against a wall for a couple of hours a day, some just turn it regularly.

What if the baby rolls off?

So long as the room is baby proof we’re talking only a couple of inches at most. This is the beauty of a floor bed. Some people choose to surround the floor bed with a cushioned mat, but often you will find the baby sleeping peacefully on the floor next to the bed if they have rolled off.

How long can you use them for?

Indefinitely. Many people sleep on floor beds forever. Just ask many Japanese families.

Can you ever use a cot/crib again?

In many cases using a floor bed, particularly for naps, is a good transitional step between naps in arms and naps in a cot (for this reason it’s also a good way to transition away from bedsharing too). They help the baby feel more comfortable sleeping alone, which gets around point number 1 in our ‘reasons why babies hate cots’ list. It is quite possible that in time, think a few months, that your baby may be happy to nap in their cot or crib again. Lots of people decide to stick with the floor bed idea though as they see it working so well.

p.s: naps in slings and bedsharing is great too! For the purpose of this article however I have concentrated on floor beds.

For more ways to improve your baby, toddler or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT conventional cry based sleep training, check out the brand new updated edition of The Gentle Sleep Book.

I would like to say a big ‘thank you’ to those families who have allowed me to share their floor bed pictures in this blog post!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

What are Night Terrors and how can you Help Them?

I can still vividly remember the first time my firstborn experienced a night terror. He had just turned two years old and by that age he slept from 8pm to 6am in his toddler bed without any need for us. One summer night, around 11pm he let out the shrillest most blood curdling scream I have ever heard. I raced into his room and found him standing on his bed screaming, sweating and staring at the wall, his eyes were wide open but he was not focussing on anything. It was reminiscent of a scene from a horror movie. It was like he was possessed.

I tried desperately to calm him, but his body was rigid in my arms, when I tried to hug him he hit me away. Nothing I did made a difference. I tried talking to him, I tried to give him a drink, I checked his temperature and tried to give him medicine. Eventually, after ten minutes or so of screaming, staring with a fixed glazed look and thrashing around we managed to get him to lay down and he slept until his usual 6am the next morning. The next morning I asked him if he had had a bad dream “no” he replied. He was his usual happy self.

The next week went on uneventfully, until one night the exact same thing happened, this time it was around midnight and this time for the first time ever he scratched and bit me too. Once again, nothing I did made a difference. I asked our GP and health visitor and both told me it sounded like a night terror and that unfortunately there was nothing I could do but wait for him to outgrow them. Six months later he had his last episode and has never had once since. There was no explanation. He wasn’t stressed, nothing had changed in our lives, he wasn’t too hot, or too cold, it was just “one of those things”.

None of my other children have ever had night terrors, but my youngest son sleep talks and occasionally sleep walks. Both of these, along with night terrors, are sleep disorders known as ‘parasomnias’. I later found out that parasomnias often run in families. I have been known to talk in my sleep, even to the point of holding full conversations and I also grind my teeth (something known as bruxism – another parasomnia), I’m the world’s worst sleepover guest! It sounds like I passed on my genes to my children.

So What is a Night Terror?

Night terrors are a parasomnia, an unusual behavioural and physiological phenomenon that occurs during sleep. They effect between 1-6% of children. Unlike nightmares, night terrors happen in a stage of deep sleep called NREM (non-REM), a stage of sleep categorised by the absence of dreams. Nightmares on the other hand happen in REM sleep and often cause the child to awaken and retain a memory of the nightmare. It is estimated that at least 50% of children experience nightmares that wake their parents and need their input to get back to sleep.

Symptoms of night terrors include:

thrashing around.
lashing out, biting and hitting.
screaming.
shouting.
eyes open and with a non-focussed ‘glazed’ look.
Child remains deeply asleep and is extremely difficult to wake.
no recollection of the event upon waking.

Night terrors are most common between the ages of three and eight, although they can happen earlier and later (approximately 4% of adults still experience them at some point). They also affect boys more than girls. Nightmares on the other hand affect girls and boys equally. The terror usually occurs in the earlier part of the night, before midnight, whereas nightmares tend to occur in the latter part of the night, often up until the morning.

As night terrors occur during sleep, children have no memory of them upon waking. While the episode may be highly stressful for the parents to witness, it is not at all harmful to the child.

How can you Help Night Terrors?

One of the most important things to understand about night terrors is that due to the deep sleep state the child is in you shouldn’t try to wake them. Instead you should focus your energy on keeping the child as safe as possible. Make sure that they cannot knock anything onto themselves, or fall, causing injury. Once you have made sure that your child is safe the best thing you can do is to stay in the room until the terror passes. Keep the lights low and remind yourself that while it is difficult for you to watch, that the child will not remember the episode in the morning.

There are only two things which have shown promise in scientific regarding night terrors:

1. Scheduled Awakening

If your child’s night terrors are recurring try to keep a diary of the times that they happen. if there is a pattern to the timing try to wake your child ten minutes before the episodes usually happen and keep them awake for five to ten minutes. This waking can disrupt their sleep cycle enough to have a good chance of preventing the terrors. See HERE for more.

2. Omega 3 Supplementation

Supplementing with 600mg of omega 3 for a period of four months has been found to lessen the incidence of parasomnias. In addition supplementation has also been found to improve sleep quantity in children. See HERE for more.

Of course good sleep hygiene still applies, make sure the room is not too hot or too cold (18 degrees centigrade is ideal), make sure the child is comfortable and not overtired, reduce stress as much as possible, make sure the child’s diet is healthy and be mindful of lighting (see HERE for more). Unfortunately however aside from scheduled waking and omega 3 supplementation there is no scientific evidence for any other treatments. In most cases it is simply a case of waiting for the child to outgrow the night terror and keeping them safe while they are experiencing them.

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your baby, toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Ten Reasons to Not Sleep Train Your Baby

Are friends, relatives and professionals telling you that you should sleep train your baby? Warning you of dire consequences if you don’t?

Are you considering sleep training because you are exhausted and desperate for a little more sleep?

Here are ten reasons why you shouldn’t do it!

1. Sleep Training Misunderstands Normal Baby Sleep

Those who advocate sleep training misunderstand what normal baby sleep should look like. Babies and young children do not sleep like adults, they are not meant to and for a very good reason. Nobody sleeps ‘through the night’, whatever their age. We all sleep in chunks of time called a ‘sleep cycle’. For young babies this is around 45 minutes long, for an adult roughly double that. At the end of each sleep cycle we may rouse a little, but not fully, and start a new cycle, unaware that we are transitioning between two cycles. Sometimes we wake fully and find it a little hard to get back to sleep. It is no different for babies. Only their sleep cycles are much shorter than ours and they have the potential to wake around 10-12 times per night. This may be exhausting for parents, however from the baby’s point of view it is a good thing. This frequent waking keeps them safe and protects them against SIDS/cot death. Encouraging deeper/longer sleep is artificial and can have negative consequences.

Babies also have under developed circadian rhythms, or body clocks. The chemical signals of sleep that make us feel alert or drowsy depending on the time of day. Under four months of age babies have no concept of night and day, beyond this their circadian rhythms begin to function on a fairly comparable level to that of an adult, however they are not quite the same and may still be having ‘midnight parties’ until they reach school age, when finally their circadian rhythm is fully established.

Simply put babies are not meant to sleep like adults.

2. Sleep Training Misunderstands The Capabilities of Babies

Sleep training presumes that babies think like adults, they don’t. When we are scared or anxious we are able to rationalise our emotions and calm ourselves down, or at least most of us can. Some adults don’t have very good emotion regulation skills. I’m sure you know somebody with a short temper?

In order to regulate our emotions a complex chain of neurological events have to take place which presumes a high level of brain functioning. Babies do not possess this high level of brain functioning, their tiny brains take time to develop. This article explains more.

When we leave a baby to ‘self soothe’ or ‘self settle’, as most sleep training advocates, we do so under the mistaken assumption that they are actually regulating their emotions and becoming calmer. This doesn’t happen. Research tells us that the babies remain in a high state of anxiety, they just don’t communicate this. They may be quiet, but they are not calm. They are two very different things. Some babies are naturally calm, but it’s important to not mistake this as ‘self soothing’ as this article explains.

3. Sleep Training Can Have Long Term Negative Consequences

If babies are sleep trained under the mistaken assumption that they can be taught to ‘self soothe’, does this have long term implications? Of course it does. What happens to an infant brain that is exposed to high levels of stress? Does it mature differently to that of one that grew in a more nurturing environment? Very likely.

A baby who is nurtured in his early years, who has his needs fully met, is more likely to grow a brain that has good emotional regulation skills (aka ‘self soothing’), better memory and even better intelligence. As this research shows.

A baby who is sleep trained is likely to secrete much more cortisol than his nurtured counterpart and too much cortisol is bad for brains. As this article discusses.

4. Sleep Training Does Not Work Long Term

Research looking into the long term outcomes of sleep training is interesting. If you had sleep trained your baby and experienced a short term ‘improvement’ to their sleep you would surely expect the improvement to last more than a couple of months wouldn’t you? This isn’t what investigators have found however. A large scale study looking into the long term effects of sleep training which tried to prove that it had no ill effects (read this article for why it showed anything of the sort though) still found that there was no lasting long term positive effect of sleep training. In other words babies who had – and hadn’t – been sleep trained ultimately slept no differently to each other.

5 Sleep Training Doesn’t Always Work, Even Short Term.

Many seem to believe that sleep training always works. It doesn’t. I work with hundreds of parents a year who often come to me for help after working with a conventional sleep trainer, or having followed a plan from a sleep training book who cannot understand why it didn’t work for their baby.

In many cases the baby’s sleep is made worse by the conventional sleep training and the parents find themselves in a worse position than before they even started. Most sleep training relies on ‘breaking’ the baby’s urge to call out (cry) for their parents if they are lonely, scared, anxious, hungry or uncomfortable. Sometimes however that urge, and indeed the baby’s need, is too strong and the baby doesn’t become quiet (masquerading as ‘soothed’ or ‘settled’), instead they can become more distraught and more desperate to have their needs met. Some may say that their baby become “more clingy” after sleep training.

6. Sleep Training Can Break Your Baby’s Trust in You

As a parent you probably want your baby to grow knowing that they can trust you. You probably want them to know that you will always be there for them and that they can come to you with any problems that they have. How does sleep training show them this? How does sleep training aid their trust in you? Quite the reverse is true. Their cries at night may be exhausting and inconvenient, but they are crying for a reason – they need you. If you do not respond to their cries with the reassurance and actions that they need (and not just a pat or a sshh) then there is a large possibility that you are undermining their trust in you. If they don’t trust that you can help with their problems when they are tiny, how do they know they can trust you with their problems as they get older?

For more on this, see my video below:

Separation anxiety is actually a very good sign psychologically, even though it may not feel like it when you baby is instantly upset the minute you put them down. What babies needs when in this stage is constant reassurance that they are OK. That you will come back. That you won’t leave them. This is a vital stage for a baby to be able to trust you. If they don’t (because you are not meeting their needs through sleep training) then you are likely to suffer the effects at a later stage.

7. Sleep Training Ignores Real Problems

While interrupted sleep is the norm for all babies, there are some cases where sleep isn’t normal. These cases are often missed with conventional sleep training. Which could create larger problems further down the line.

First there are potential physical reasons: tongue tie, cows milk protein allergy, lactose intolerance, food sensitivities, reflux, disrupted gut flora, cranial compression and birth injuries and sleep apnea.

Then there are potential environmental reasons; too much artificial light, room temperature too high, insufficient bedding, incorrect timings and the like.

Lastly there are potential psychological reasons: the need for more connection (particularly with a mother who works), the need for reassurance during separation anxiety and developmental leaps and stages.

Sleep training misses all of these.

8. Sleep Training May Cause You to Stop Breastfeeding Prematurely

Many sleep ‘experts’ believe that babies do not need night feeds after 6 months of age, some believe that they are unnecessary after only 3-4 months. They are wrong. There is only one person who can tell us if the baby has no need for night feeds. The baby themselves. Breastfed babies tend to need night feeds until at least 12 months of age, sometimes longer. Although their formula fed counterparts may be ready to night wean a little earlier (though not always).

Breastfeeding in particular is not just about food, it provides comfort and also a quick drink. I take a drink to bed with me and often take a sip of water when I wake in the night. Why shouldn’t babies be able to do this?

Night weaning before the baby is ready can have an incredibly detrimental effect on breastfeeding and can cause it to cease before the mother and baby are ready.

For more baby led/gentle night weaning tips read this article.

9. Sleep Training Misunderstands the Development of Independence

Many parents are scared into sleep training, night weaning and ceasing bedsharing, due to concerns over creating clingy children who will never become independent. This is another gross misunderstanding of much of society. You cannot force a child to be independent. The only way you can raise an independent child is to allow them to be dependent on you for as long as they need. When they feel secure enough they will slowly begin to branch out into the world alone. If you force them to detach from you before they are ready you will actually make them less independent and more anxious. You cannot hold your baby too much. Ever.

I urge everybody reading to watch this fantastic short video for more.

10. Sleep Training is Exhausting and Horrible to Do

I have not met a single parent, who has sleep trained, who has said “it was OK, it was fine”. Every single one of them comments on how hard it was and how distressing it was to see their child crying and not meet their needs. You have parental instincts for a reason. Listen to them. There is a reason that most traditional baby sleep training experts don’t have children themselves. Surely if they knew how it felt to have your heart torn in two then they wouldn’t advocate it?

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO THEN?

1. Rethink your ‘problem’ and try to get as much rest and support as you can to meet your baby’s sleep needs.

2. Keep your expectations age appropriate.

3. Look to the environment to check if all is sleep-friendly.

4. Rule out any physical issues.

5. Rule out any developmental stages.

6. Check out gentle sleep methods, to gently encourage better sleep without the side effects.

7. Wait. Your baby’s sleep will improve naturally in time.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Two Under Two? No Problem! The Real Difficulties of Welcoming a Second Child

When my children were small, I had four children under four years of age. My first and second were both 15 months apart, my third followed 14 months later and my last 2 years after number three. Adding a new baby into the mix of a toddler is exhausting, especially if the firstborn is still sleeping erratically. From the toddler’s perspective adding a new member to the family is a little like your partner bringing home a new boyfriend or girlfriend and trying to assure you that they do not love you any less than when it was just the two of you. Pretty devastating. Tantrums, unpredictable behaviour and regressions in sleep and toileting are fairly inevitable. A lot of understanding and empathy from the parent’s perspective is needed, not just in the first few weeks but several months, even years down the line.

In many ways however, I actually found it fairly easy mothering a newborn and a toddler. I had never made it out of the sleepless nights, so they didn’t come as a shock to me. I was used to toting armfuls of baby paraphernalia, I had never made it out of breastfeeding bras or started wearing dresses again. I had no social life to mourn and my entertainment already consisted largely of Peppa Pig and Thomas the Tank Engine. The new baby spent most of the day snuggled in a sling (invaluable with a small age gap!) and in many ways didn’t impact much on normality with my toddler. I even relished the night feeds with the baby as it afforded me quiet time to bond with him or her. Small age gaps are physically hard work (especially on your body), but can in many ways be easier on the older child in terms of jealously and resentment towards the new baby.

What nobody talks about though, is the intense emotional response to birthing a second child. No amount of sleepless nights or draining days compare to the inner turmoil created by the arrival of number two. When my second child arrived the joy was interspersed with immense feelings of guilt and doubt. What had I done? My selfishness and desire to have a second child had ruined my firstborn’s happy existence. Everything we had until that point was gone. Our easy daily routine, the classes we went to, our shared naps, our quiet story time all changed in the space of a few hours. What had I done? Had I made the right decision? It was a decision I often regretted.

When I was pregnant with my second child I dreamt of my two children playing together, being friends for life. I imagined a blissful, Hallmark’esque smiling family of four. Nobody tells you about the guilt though. Nobody tells you about the mourning for your life as a family of three. Nobody tells you about the upheaval your firstborn will go through and how every hour you feel your heart will break for them, wishing for the time when it was just you again, just once more. Wishing you could help them to understand that you love them just as much as before, maybe even a little more now.

….and then there is the baby. The poor sweet baby who you don’t have time to cuddle anywhere near as much as you would like. Even if your toddler is not demanding your attention, or your hands, the guilt you feel at holding your newborn while your toddler is in the same room is like nothing you have ever felt before. The only guilt that surpasses this is that you feel at not holding your newborn as much as you did your firstborn. You snatch golden moments with your newborn when you can. Often though hours can go past until you realise that although your baby has been strapped to your chest or at your breast all day that you have barely noticed them, let alone had time to connect with them, talk to them or consciously feel their body against yours. The guilt increases even more.

The classes you took your firstborn to don’t happen with your second. The playdates focus more on the baby tagging along on a toddler outing. The new baby memory book never makes it out of the wrapper in stark, mocking contrast to the neatly filled in journal you kept first time around. The wall full of professional photos of your firstborn is accompanied by two or three home snaps of your second. The lovingly prepared 100% organic home cooked food you fed your firstborn is reluctantly replaced by more ready-made meals than you would care to admit.

You feel like you are not meeting either child’s needs. Your baby cries when you are cleaning your toddler’s grazed knee and mopping their tears. You have no choice but to leave one to cry. Your toddler cries just as you have calmed your firstborn enough to get them to feed. You have no choice but to leave one to cry. Too many times you cry too. What have you done? You have destroyed your toddler’s life and your baby deserves better. You cry some more, your children cry with you.

This is the truly hard part of welcoming a second child. No amount of sleepless nights, constant nappy changing, tantrum taming or sheer physical exhaustion comes close. Is this unique to ‘two under two’? I don’t think so.

The good news is that in time the guilt fades. It may take months, or even years (the latter is true for me) but the first time your children hug, or hold each other’s hands. The first time they share a secret joke together that you’re not in on, when they look into each other’s eyes smiling and let out big belly laughs. The first time they play together and don’t want you to join in. The first time they curl up to sleep together and beg to be allowed to sleep in the same bed. These are the times that make it worth it. These are the times when you begin to realise that maybe you haven’t ruined their lives after all, but given them something better – a friend for life. The guilt fades as the memories build.

As a mother of four, no transition was harder for me than going from one to two children. Two to three? easy in comparison, three to four? a breeze. I just wish somebody had warned me beforehand about ‘second child guilt’. Why is it so unspoken of in our society? Why won’t you read about it in the flurry of ‘second baby’ or ‘two under two’ articles about to hit the shelves, air waves and internet?

For more on the emotional – as well as practical – issues involved with having a Second Baby, check out my Second Baby Book.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram You can also sign up for my free weekly parenting newsletter HERE.

How Long Should Babies and Toddlers Sleep For? (Infographic)

The following infographic provides a realistic look at baby, toddler and preschooler sleep. Including average night waking, need for night feeds, sleep regression and average amount and timings of naps.
NOTE: This is averages only, some babies will sleep more, some less. They are all different!

The naps are the *total* for all naps combined, not per nap – e.g at 3-4 mths TOTAL naps are 3-4 hours, usually split over 3-4 different naps, so averaging around 1hr each.

For more information on realistic sleep expectations and gentle ‘sleep training’ advice see The Gentle Sleep Book or visit The Gentle Sleep Book Facebook Page.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

One simple way to improve your baby or child’s sleep today!

Did you know that millions of parents around the world are making one very simple, but huge, mistake that is potentially inhibiting their child’s sleep (no matter their age) and contributing to difficult bedtimes and frequent night waking.

This mistake is perpetuated by thousands of nursery product manufacturers around the world. In fact when you realise what it is you will be shocked at the products on sale that only add to, rather than aid, the problem.

What is it?

THE WRONG LIGHTING.

Do you have a nightlight in your child’s room? Perhaps something in the shape of a cute animal, something that you plug in that emits a dim glow all night, or perhaps a glowing thermometer or light show. If you do then you most likely need to get rid of it.

Why? Because the wavelength of different colours of light can have a tremendous effect on your child’s sleep.

White and blue (or green) based lights – however dim – will inhibit your child’s melatonin at night. This sleep hormone is released by the brain in response to light sensitivity in the eyes. In a world unpolluted by electric lights this would occur at dusk with research showing the peak rise in children at somewhere between 7:30 and 8pm. This hormone is necessary for your child to not only go to sleep initially, but stay asleep for longer overnight. I bet your current nursery nightlight is either blue, green, white, pink or purple in hue? These colours, particularly blue, are viewed as ‘calming’ which I suspect is why most manufacturers use them. They couldn’t be more wrong however.

White and blue based lights (including the light emitted from TVs, smart phones, laptops and almost all forms of lighting used in the home – that means no more CBeebies bedtime hour!) inhibit the body’s secretion of melatonin by tricking the brain into believing it is still daylight.

There is ONE type of light that doesn’t do this however. Red. Red based light has a much higher wavelength than white/blue/green light, which research shows (see links at end) does not inhibit melatonin. It doesn’t so much improve sleep, it just doesn’t interfere with the chemical building blocks of it. Of course the absolute best lighting to use in the nursery is nothing. Pitch black. This isn’t realistic however when it comes to night feeds or nappy changes. So red is by far the best second option. Don’t just focus on the nursery however, think about the light your child is exposed to before bed – like in the bathroom. Is your bathroom lit by regular white light? (even worse, are they energy saving lightbulbs – which emit much more blue light than old style incandescent bulbs) If so you might want to invest in some battery operated, more appropriate light. You can see the lights that I recommend HERE.

nightlight

Changing to red light is by no means a magic fix, there are many more elements to infant sleep, but it’s a great, quick and simple start.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

References:

1. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11763987

2. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14962066

3. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18838601

4. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12970330

5. http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.1081/CBI-100107515?journalCode=cbi

6. http://www.jneurosci.org/content/21/16/6405.full.pdf

Ten Common Toddler Parenting Myths You Likely Believe (and Why you Shouldn’t!).

There are so many parenting myths in circulation in society. I’m sure you’ve come across many yourself.

Many are obviously myths and therefore easy to ignore. Others however seem far more ingrained and sound far more plausible. The plausibility and popularity of some of the top parenting myths cause a great deal of misunderstanding, and often stress, for parents of toddlers.

These are my top toddler parenting myths:

1. Toddlers should all be sleeping through the night.

You had a year of caring for a sleepless baby 24/7 surely, surely toddlers sleep all night? Wrong. Actually, nobody sleeps all night, even the soundest of sleepers. Sleep isn’t composed of one long sleep cycle, instead there are many. Toddlers have many more sleep cycles than adults, meaning – you guessed it – they have the propensity to wake up a lot more than adults.

In addition to differing sleep cycles, a toddler’s sleep is dramatically different to that of an adult, composed of far more REM and less NREM sleep. What does this mean? It means your toddler will have more dream time than you and what accompanies dreams? Welcome to the world of nightmares. Monsters under the bed, scary shadows moving across the wall, a dream of being lost or separated from mum and dad. It’s not only nightmares that are an issue, night terrors are too. Night terrors occur in a different phase of sleep than nightmares and actually happen when the child is very much asleep. While this means they will have no recollection of the night terror in the morning it doesn’t make it any less traumatic for a parent to cope with.

So if night terrors, nightmares, different sleep cycle and REM lengths are not enough to contend with, our toddler is also commonly coping with issues of increased autonomy (“me do it”), testing boundaries, dealing with parental separation (starting nursery or moving to their own bedroom) and often becoming a big sibling too (a hugely common time of sleep regression). Some may also be dealing with potty training. Why on earth do we expect their sleep to be better than a baby’s? There is much more on toddler sleep (and ways to gently improve it) in my sleep book HERE.

2. Toddlers need to spend time at nursery in order to learn to socialise.

No, no they don’t. Children learn to socialise from predominantly one or two people, any guesses who they are? They don’t need to spend time playing with other children, or in an environment full of art equipment, ride on toys, sand and water tables or small world play. They need us. In fact toddler’s don’t need anything more than being part of our every day lives. Going shopping with us, helping us to prepare dinner, tidying the house, tending to plants in the garden, visiting the ducks, going for forest walks. That really is all they need. Toddlers are hard-wired to be sociable – with us. We teach them almost everything they need to know about social skills without even knowing we’re teaching it. Some toddlers thrive in a nursery or preschool setting, some don’t. For those who love it, great. For those who don’t, rest safe in the knowledge that they absolutely need never attend. You are enough. They won’t be missing out on anything.

3. Toddlers should be reliably dry and out of nappies by the age of three.

Absolutely not true. Even less true if your daycare provider asks you to ensure that the child is out of nappies before they start (which actually legally they can’t ask). Children are ready for toilet training at different ages. Some babies are nappy less from birth, some children need nappies well into their fourth year of life. Every child is different. There are no medals to be won from early potty training. Similarly there is no rush to get your toddler out of nappies at night, in fact it’s completely fine for a child to wear nappies at night until they are 7 years of age. The best time to toilet train is when your child is ready. No sooner, no later.

4. Toddlers should be educated

Educational toys, flashcards, learning to read apps and websites, foreign language DVDs. None of these are necessary, in fact sometimes these things can carry more risks than benefits. The primary role of the toddler is to play. Play and play some more. Everything they need to learn can be achieved through the love and attention of their parents and play. Toddlers don’t need to know how to read or write, they don’t need to be able to recite the alphabet or count to as high a number as possible. They should know how it feels to jump in puddles, squelch their fingers through mud, roll down a hill, make snow angels, lick cake mix off of a spoon (caveat – raw egg allowing before somebody comments!), collect a treasure trove of sticks, stones, shells and feathers, climb, jump, run, play hide and seek and bang saucepans as drums. This is how they learn. The hot housing really needs to stop.

5. Toddlers need to be independent.

Society is barely tolerating of an attached baby, but a toddler who’s attached? well – surely there’s a recipe for a clingy, un-confident, shy and strange child? Therefore most toddler parenting advice centres on fostering independence in the toddler. This independence is supposed to come when they are encouraged to be away from parents, on play dates, in groups they are left in and in their own rooms at night. Only this isn’t how independence happens. You cannot teach anybody to be independent if they are not ready to be so. Independence implies that the child is done with being dependent. It implies that they are ready to leave the safe ‘hold’ of their parents. That they have the confidence and understanding of the world to no longer have any fear of what the big wide world may hold. No toddler is truly independent, even the most seemingly independent ones. It is normal and necessary for toddlers to still be dependent upon us. The best thing we can do is to allow this dependence and equally allow their growing independence (when they are ready), by neither refusing or preventing a connection with ourself we encourage true independence – and only then.

6. Toddlers are too old for breastfeeding

The media and society in general seem to believe that breastfeeding should stop around the time that a baby cuts his or her first teeth, for most babies this is somewhere around 6-12 months of age. After this age many feel that breastfeeding is ‘all about the mother’ not wanting to let her child grow up. Society feels that in fulfilling their own needs these mothers may psychologically harm their children, stifling their independence or indeed the ‘breastfed child’ may be on the receiving end of bullying from their peers. Many state that they find it ‘odd’ and would feel deeply uncomfortable if they saw an older child breastfeeding. In other countries around the world however it is completely normal to breastfeed to age three and beyond, and in these societies they feel that we, in the West, are ‘odd’.

The World Health Organisation recommends “babies are breastfed from birth until two years and then as long as mutually desired”. Indeed in many countries breastfeeding continues for at least two years, with scientists estimating that the natural age for weaning is somewhere between two and a half and seven years of age. The current worldwide average age for weaning from the breast stands at around four and a half years old. Breastfeeding past infancy has significant health benefits for children and breast milk is also still a major source of nutrition well into the toddler years.

Breastfeeding is not just about food though, it is a wonderful comfort to a child. Many natural term breastfeeders comment on how breastfeeding sees them through numerous illnesses, accidents and teething easily. Natural term (or extended as it is sometimes called) breastfeeding is really not about a mother’s need to ‘keep her child a baby’, but everything about meeting the needs of our children. It is the epitome of unselfishness.

7. Toddlers who tantrum are naughty

All toddlers tantrum. Every single one of them. Tantruming is indeed a normal part of childhood that neither indicates naughtiness or ‘goodness’. Nor do tantrums indicate the successfulness of an individual’s parenting style. Toddlers tantrum quite simply because the emotional regulation centre of their brain is too immature to keep a lid on their big emotions. When you and I are angry we know it is not appropriate to scream at the top of our lungs in the street (toddler’s don’t incidentally, social rules pass them by). In addition to following societal rules, as adults we are able to ‘self talk’ ourselves into a calmer state. Toddler’s can’t. Think of a toddler brain like a steaming kettle, exposed to stimulation (heat) they are completely powerless to stop the feelings bubbling and whistling out of them at full volume. Tantrums are not a sign of naughtiness, they are a sign of being a toddler.

8. Toddlers can, and should, share

Again, a huge myth. Toddlers do not understand the concept of sharing and they like it even less. To understand sharing they need to understand several complex ideas that are years beyond them. The first concept they need to understand is that when sharing sometimes this involves getting the item back (e.g: one of their toys) and other times this means they say ‘bye bye’ to the object forever (half of their banana). Imagine how confusing this must be for them?

Secondly sharing requires the toddler to understand and care about the feelings of others, only they don’t – not really. This is a great experiment explaining why. They aren’t selfish if they don’t want to share, they’re just toddlers.

Lastly, put yourself in your toddler’s place. Imagine somebody knocked at the door and said “go and get me your most favourite, treasured possession”, “Now, you must share it with your next door neighbour”. What would you say? While your most prized possession may be a piece of jewellery, an antique, an instrument, a mulberry handbag or a car it is no more valuable than your toddler’s bouncy ball, teddy bear or book. At least not to them.

9. Toddlers should be disciplined by praising the good and ignoring the bad behaviour

Oh where to start on this one. It is so messed up. Toddlers don’t misbehave for no reason. There is ALWAYS an underpinning reason. Sometimes (often) a toddler will misbehave because they are desperate for our attention (especially if we have spent time away from them, are very busy or they have a new sibling). Their behaviour is a cry saying “I miss you, please see me, I need more of you”. Whether that behaviour may be kicking you, hitting their sister or screaming at the childminder. Now, on what planet does it make sense to withdraw even more of your attention? What the toddler needs is categorically NOT to be placed on the naughty step or time out, they need you. Withdrawing your attention at best will create temporary compliance, but it won’t fix the real issue which will appear again, but worse, or perhaps in another behaviour, until it is fixed.

Which brings me on to the second point. That of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. As parents we all want our children to behave well intrinsically – that is to be internally motivated to behave ‘well’. However most common behaviour control methods focus only on extrinsic motivation. That is externally controlling the child’s behaviour by way of either a punishment (time out, naughty step, consequences etc…) or a reward (sticker chart, a special treat, or a lot of praise). Much research has proven that extrinsic motivation lasts only for as long as the reward or punishment is on offer (compliance), remove them and you are not left with any real change. Which is why parents who use them have to keep using them! Now, can you imagine putting a teenager on the naughty step, or being happy with a lollipop for completing their homework? No, if this is what you rely on in the toddler years you are in big trouble when the children are older!

Praise is part of the same problem. It’s all about extrinsic motivation. Not only that, the risk of creating a ‘praise junky’ is huge and in addition the constant use of praise may actually de-motivate, particularly if it is results and not effort based in focus. There is lots more on this topic (including alternative behaviour control methods and how to use praise effectively) in my toddler book HERE.

10. Toddlers should be made to apologise, say please and thank you and hug elderly relatives.

If a toddler hurts another child or snatches a toy from them of course they should be made to apologise, shouldn’t they? No, they shouldn’t. I refer you back to point 8. Why? because in most cases they are not sorry. So all you are teaching them is to lie to get out of trouble. Of course the parent should always apologise, “I’m so sorry he hit, is your daughter OK?”. Asking a toddler to apologise however is pointless and misguided. As is, on a similar vein making them say please and thank you. This one however is a little less damaging. Toddlers don’t understand social niceties. What is the point in making them perform a bizarre adult ritual? In time they will understand the concept of gratitude and social rules, until then. Don’t sweat – say please and thank you for them if they don’t mimic you.

Last up – should we force little Johnny to give Great Aunt Ethel a kiss goodbye? Only if he wants to (which is almost always never). I’m sure most people have memories of being forced to kiss and hug elderly relatives, I certainly do – they aren’t pleasant, cold, clammy, wrinkly skin, slightly slobbery lips on mine, overpowering scent and a shaky hold. I was told to be good and do it anyway despite my protests. What about if we as adults were forced to be hugged and kissed against our wishes? What would we call that? “sexual assault”? “improper conduct”? “rape”? What are we really teaching when we force our children to kiss and hug against their wishes? That their consent does not matter. If your child’s consent matters to you allow them to say “no” next time Great Aunt Ethel wants a goodbye hug and kiss, she is the adult, she has the brain development to understand why, even if she is a little offended. You however will have taught your toddler a valuable lesson in bodily consent.

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram You can also sign up for my free weekly parenting newsletter HERE.

Why it’s OK to let your baby or child cry (sometimes).

If you follow attachment or gentle parenting principles, you should never willingly let your child cry, right?

Wrong.

If you follow attachment or gentle parenting principles, you should never willingly make your child cry, right?

Wrong.

You can very much be an attachment or gentle parent and both allow your child to cry and (shock horror) make them cry. In addition it’s very normal – and pretty common – to be either an attachment, or gentle, parent and have a child who cries, sometimes a lot.

The Goal of Attachment or Gentle Parenting

The goal of attachment parenting is to foster the attachment between child and caregiver. An attachment parent allows the child to remain as attached as they need for as long as they need. Similarly an attachment parent also allows the child to detach and become independent as they so need, all the while still remaining a ‘secure base’ for the child to return to if and when they need to.

The goal of gentle parenting is to be mindful of the biological and psychological limitations of a child’s behaviour, to be respectful of the child and empathic towards them. Gentle parents understand the norms of child development and readjust their expectations at each stage. Gentle parents spend time to understand the reasons behind their child’s behaviour, foster connection and empathy and communicate in a child friendly way.

In essence, both are pretty similar in all but name.

Is it possible to allow a child to cry and still show respect, empathy and understanding? Of course it is. Is it possible to still foster connection and attachment with a crying child? Of course. What if it is you, as a parent, who causes the child to cry? I still very much believe that this is a normal and indeed necessary part of both attachment and gentle parenting.

The Difference Between Crying it Out and Crying in Arms

The easiest way to explain this is by asking you to imagine yourself very, very upset. Imagine that whatever causing the upset is so great to you that you just cannot stop crying. Imagine sobbing uncontrollably, unable to stop your tears and soothe yourself. Imagine those big heaving sobs that wrench your whole body upwards and shake you to your core.

Now, pick one of these two scenarios:

1. Your partner sees you crying and asks if you are OK. You are too upset to respond. He or she tells you “it’s OK, you’re OK, you’re going to be fine”, puts an arm around you, gives you a big hug and walks out of the room closing the door. Or perhaps he or she doesn’t leave the room, but goes to sit on a chair nearby, not touching, talking to or looking at you. You continue to cry uncontrollably feeling so alone, isolated, confused. In pain.

2. Your partner sees you crying and asks if you are OK. You are too upset to respond. He or she comes over to you and asks if you would like a hug. You nod. You feel their arms embrace you and you melt into them. They say “I’m right here for you, I’m not going anywhere”. Their arms tell you that they care enough and are strong enough to remain present through your tears. They don’t belittle you or try to tell you it’s OK. You still cry. The pain (whether emotional or physical) is so big and all-consuming you can’t stop. Knowing that somebody who loves you is strong enough to contain your tears makes you feel loved and although you cannot stop crying that knowledge helps. The oxytocin you release from the cuddle only adds to the feeling of comfort and reassurance.

Which one did you pick?

Now, imagine your baby is crying because they are overstimulated and can’t wind down enough to go to sleep, or your toddler is crying because they don’t want to lay down in their bed, they want to run around instead (both big things in their own worlds). They cry. Big, heavy tears roll down their cheeks, they tense, their chest heaves up and down uncontrollably. Can you tell the difference between the two responses above?

When the Tears Don’t Stop

As parents we need to realise that our aim is NOT to always stop the crying. Our aim is to be present and empathic with our children during them. Our aim is to act as an external regulator at a time when the child is too immature to regulate their own emotions (AKA ‘self soothe’ or ‘self settle’). Our worth as a parent should not be measured by our ability to “stop the crying”. Our role as a parent is to be big enough, mature enough and calm enough ourselves to contain our child’s tears and still remain present to comfort them when they do eventually stop.

The time in the car when your baby screamed and you couldn’t stop when you were on the motorway, that time when your toddler was in pain at the hospital and you couldn’t stop their tears, that time when your baby was ill and vomiting copiously. These times happen for us all. ALL CHILDREN CRY, however they are parented. The difference is how you responded during their tears.

When we convince ourselves it’s OK for them to cry, but it really isn’t.

I don’t want this article to be taken the wrong way. I sometimes think that there is a new breed of parenting which nicely fits those who would like to be gentle or attachment parents, but don’t quite want to ‘give’ enough of themselves or their time. These parents read parenting ideologies that state that babies and children should be allowed respect, independence and authority over their own bodies at all times. Those articles that state that crying is an important means of expression for babies and children and to not allow them to cry is wrong. I think *they* are wrong. These ideologies can often result in ignoring the communication and reasons behind the tears, which true attachment or gentle parents wouldn’t do. For instance if a baby is hungry in the middle of the night they will cry – a lot. In this case it’s not OK to let the baby cry. The baby needs feeding. It is absolutely not respectful to hold them, contain their tears, and tell yourself that they just need to express their emotions. They need feeding, whether you want to cut out night feeds or not. Don’t let these ideologies fool you into believing you are allowing these tears out of respect of freedom of expression. There is no respect in ignoring a baby’s needs.

When we make our children cry.

I’m not afraid to make my children cry. I do so regularly. My son wanted to stay up late on a school night, he has a strict 8pm bedtime and I wasn’t budging on it. He cried. Another son wanted to play computer games on a Wednesday, we have a screen time ban Monday-Friday, I enforced this ban. He cried. My daughter wanted to eat a whole family sized chocolate bar. I have strict limits on sweets. She cried. I took my daughter to the park to ride her new scooter, it got dark and cold and I told her it was time to go home. She cried.

I make my children cry. It is a necessary part of parenting. As a parent I need to enforce limits and boundaries. As a parent I need to keep my child and other children safe. My children are like any others, they test my limits and fun often overtakes their judgement of safety.

When they cry however, I try to remain as empathic as I can be. I tell them I understand how sad/mad/angry they must be feeling. I explain my decision and why we have to stick to it. I help them to understand things they can do instead. If they want me to I hug them. They calm down . They move on, perhaps having learnt something. That’s life. In fact to NOT make your child cry (for the right reasons) is perhaps more disrespectful to them. This is something I notice in a fair number of both attachment and gentle parents – the fear of making their child cry. This fear of causing their child to cry can mean a lack of discipline, which I feel is far worse.

When we can’t meet our child’s needs (or don’t understand them).

There are many reasons we don’t meet our children’s needs. This little ‘failure’ each day is actually an important part of their development and ultimately what will lead them to separating from us when the time comes. Being ‘good enough’ really is enough. If a baby cries and you have no idea why, a true gentle or attachment parent would do everything possible to soothe them and to understand their needs, and not take it personally if the baby doesn’t stop crying. If a mother is at the end of her tether and emotionally and physically wrung out with sleep exhaustion it’s OK for the father to hold the crying baby or toddler in the night. He is ‘good enough’, his compassion, containment and empathy may not be breasts (!), but he is there, fully present and that’s OK. In fact in my book it’s more than ‘good enough’ as it takes strength and patience to remain present during unstoppable tears.

As parents we shouldn’t be afraid of our child’s tears, no matter what ethos we follow. So long as we remain empathic , understanding of their needs and responsive, it’s OK for our children to cry!

Sarah

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The Self Soothing Babies who are not Actually Soothing Themselves at all

One of the top criticisms I get of my disdain for ‘experts’ who insist that babies should learn to ‘self soothe’ in order to sleep through the night is those who comment “but my baby DOES self settle and I’ve never done any sort of sleep training” (those who ‘self settle’ after sleep training are a completely different kettle of fish – learn more HERE).

If self soothing is a developmental skill – that occurs once the emotional regulatory areas of the brain are well-connected (from about the age of 7 onwards) – then what on earth is happening to those babies who DO self soothe? Are they a freak of biology? Super fast developers? or something else.

The answer is “something else”.

You see these babies are no more capable of self soothing than any others. The difference is that they are often the ‘naturally calm’ babies. When a baby is ‘naturally calm’ they do not secrete large amounts of cortisol which inhibits melatonin (the sleep hormone). When babies are naturally calm if their parents ‘catch’ them at the right time (in the early stages of tiredness) then there is a good likelihood that they will be able to get to sleep without parental interaction. This does of course mean that these babies are happy in their sleep environment, comfortable and happy to sleep without being held (and lots of babies aren’t – which is totally normal!). When all of these coincidences happen at once the baby will be able to get him or herself off to sleep without parental input. They are said to have “self soothed” to sleep.

Only they HAVEN’T soothed themselves to sleep, because they were calm in the first place! No ‘soothing’ has taken place!

‘Self soothing’ is basically modern-day marketing slang for what psychologists know as “emotional self-regulation”. Emotional self-regulation is what happens when an adult – or much older child – can analyse and rationalise their emotions (e.g: “it’s dark, I’m scared – but it’s OK, I know there’s no such things as monsters and I’m perfectly safe” or “My partner has just left the room, I wonder if he will ever come back? Of course he will, he’s only gone to the bathroom, he’ll be back in less than 5 minutes!”). When the adult, or much older child, conducts this ‘self talk’ they can use their sophisticated, mature brains to lower their stress and anxiety levels – and with it their cortisol levels. This means that they are then free to carry on with what they were doing – in the case of sleep it means their sleep hormones can rise and they can peacefully drift off to sleep.

Anybody who has a toddler will know that they have zero emotional self-regulation skills. If they did they would never tantrum, never run around in public naked, never bite or hit anybody else – or all of the other wonderful things toddlers do! Toddlers behave this way because they have underdeveloped brains. Simply they don’t think or feel like adults do! Now – if a toddler cannot regular his own emotions (or “self soothe”), how on earth do we expect babies to be able to do so?!?!!!!! Can you see how ludicrous that massively popular assumption is?

So, those babies who ‘self soothe’ – they’re not doing anything of the sort, they are in a calm state, in body and in mind, they’ve been put down in the early stages of tiredness (too late causes cortisol to rise and sleep to be inhibited), they’re comfortable in their sleep environment and they are not what others may call “high needs” (I hate that term!). If you have one consider yourself VERY lucky.

They’re still not ‘self soothing’ though!