Sarah Ockwell-Smith

What is Gentle Parenting – an Excerpt from The Gentle Parenting Book

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead – Cultural Anthropologist

Tiger parenting, French parenting, helicopter parenting, free range parenting, old fashioned parenting. The twenty first century has seen a tremendous surge in new trends of parenting styles. Why, might you ask, is there room for another one?

This is the beauty of gentle parenting. Gentle parenting isn’t a trend, it isn’t a label for a precise way of doing things according to one person’s point of view. Gentle parenting is an ethos, a way of being you might say. There are no rules to follow, no demands of your nationality, family finances or personal choices. In a nutshell, gentle parenting is a lifestyle that embraces both your physical and psychological behaviour, not only towards your children, but to yourself too.

Gentle parents come from all walks of life. Some choose to birth naturally at home, some elect for a Caesarean section. Some carry their babies in slings, some use prams. Some breastfeed, some formula feed. Some stay at home, some return to work. Some home school their children and others take a more mainstream educational route. They all have one thing in common though, their choices are all informed and educated and made out of respect and empathy for their children as well as themselves. This is gentle parenting, nothing more, nothing less.

Gentle parenting is mindful of current science and child psychology. It is also respectful of cultural and historical practices of child rearing. It is a holistic philosophy that embraces the emotional as well as practical aspects of parenthood. In gentle parenting children matter, but so do adults too. Parenting should be a dance between the needs of children and parents, with practice this dance can lead to something quite beautiful, with tremendous growth for both.

For too long parenting has been viewed as a battle. A battle for control between parent and child. Some parenting methods give all control to the children, for fear of the little tyrants becoming unmanageable monsters as they grow. Other methods give children far too much control, with parents scared to discipline when necessary, for fear of upsetting their delicate offspring. Gentle parenting is all about finding a balance of control, giving children just enough, at a time when they can handle it, with parents enforcing appropriate boundaries and limits. Gentle parenting is about being ever mindful of the long term effects of a parent’s actions as well as the immediate needs of safety and expectations of society.

Speaking of societal expectations, gentle parents understand that many of the beliefs society holds about the behaviour of children, at any age, are unrealistic. Much of what we know about children comes from outdated personal opinion. Many of today’s common parenting practices are not only at odds with the needs of children in the present moment, but they may possibly inhibit their development in the future. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to question commonly held wisdom, no matter who it is coming from. Gentle parents aren’t afraid to be an advocate for their child even when their behaviour is frowned upon by the mainstream. Gentle parents have a close connection to their children which allows the children to feel safe, respected and valued. In turn this nurturing environment raises confident, free thinking adults. As the anthropologist Margaret Mead says, never underestimate the difference a small group of committed individuals can make. What if the world embraced the notion of gentle parenting, would it change the world? I think it might just do!

Gentle Parents are not Perfect.

As optimistic as that might sound, gentle parenting isn’t about being perfect. All parents make mistakes. The key is learning from them. Understanding what happened, why it happened and how we can be and do better next time. From this perspective, making mistakes as a parent is not only understandable, but crucial. For it is only when we don’t quite do our best that we can learn to do better next time. Gentle parenting therefore is about embracing our imperfect selves, forgiving our mistakes and striving to grow as parents. As much as our children are learning, so are we too. Every parent has bad days, every parent has days when they shout, every parent has days that make them feel ashamed. Gentle parenting is absolutely not about being perfect. It’s about being real. Recognising when you are stressed and in need of some ‘me time’ in order to be a better parent. In fact this point is so important I have dedicated a whole chapter to it.

Gentle parenting is not easy, but what parenting is? It doesn’t however require anything more than love, dedication and consistency. It isn’t something that is reserved for the most naturally calm, highly educated, ‘stay at home’ parents or those with only one child. It doesn’t matter if you have a temper, how much money you have in the bank, what qualifications you have, whether you have one child or six. It doesn’t matter how you were parented yourself and it doesn’t matter if you started your parenting journey on a different path. At the end of this book you will find a chapter devoted to those parents who previously adopted other, perhaps less gentle, parenting methods and are looking for a different way. You will also find a section dedicated to how to cope with criticism of your parenting. Similarly in a later chapter I will also discuss what to expect in terms of results, when you should expect them and what to do if it gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Why Does Gentle Parenting Matter?

We live in a world that places more value on things than people. Society today is all about ‘the stuff’ and the pursuit of more. We spend so much time dwelling on the past and planning for the future that we forget to live today. Or we spend so long buried in the busyness of the present moment that we miss the things that really matter. Our society is selfish, violent, short sighted and focussed on conformity rather than respect for individuality. This is the world we are preparing our children for.

Do we really need to raise children to conform to this ideology? Or would it be better to raise free thinkers who question ‘the done thing’? Do we need more successful (in the monetary sense) professionals, or do we need more peacemakers? What matters more, happiness or fitting in? Do we really raise children who respect their own thoughts and bodies, or do we raise individuals with confidence and body image issues? Do we raise children who care about the environment or those who view everything as quick, fast, easy and disposable? Ironically in our quest to raise a child to fit with society’s goals we often bypass what’s really best for our child in exchange for raising them to fit in to ‘the system’. How will anything ever really change in our world if we don’t question commonly held beliefs and raise children who will not only question, but importantly help to change them too.

Gentle parenting is about creating the generation of the future. A future where adults respect not only themselves, but everything and everybody else around them. A future where happiness means so much more than the house you live in, the car on the drive and the label in your clothes. A future where violence is dramatically reduced, where differing opinions and beliefs are not only respected but valued because adults are confident enough in their own beliefs to not have to belittle those of others that differ. A future where discipline does not involve inflicting physical harm and pain, exclusion, shame and guilt on some of the most vulnerable members of society.

Gentle parenting is so much more than what you do with your child at any given moment in time. Raising our children gently builds a better future, for us all, too.

What Gentle Parenting Isn’t

Let’s get this out there right now. Gentle parenting isn’t permissive parenting. For those who are new to gentle parenting, perhaps practitioners of more mainstream methods, the most common criticism is relating to supposed permissiveness. They are wrong. Boundaries, limits and discipline play a crucial role in gentle parenting. If you do not discipline your child how can you be truly respectful of them?

Part of the problem is in the common understanding of what it means to discipline a child. Ask a straw poll what discipline means to them and the chances are you will be met with a list that includes: “I got the cane”, “my parents smacked me if I was out of line”, “send the child to the naughty step”, “if he’s naughty he goes to time out” or “I was sent to my room with no dinner if I was rude”.

In my opinion none of these are effective forms of discipline. They all rely on inflicting physical or emotional pain, through shame and exclusion. How does a child learn how to behave in a better manner if they are not shown what to do, if they have nothing and nobody good to model or they do not understand what they did wrong, or what they should have done instead?

Did you know that the word discipline actually means “to teach”? ‘Discipline’ stems from the word ‘Disciple’. What is a disciple? The dictionary describes it as such:

Disciple: “a follower of the doctrines of a teacher or a school of thought” from Latin discipulus pupil and discere to learn

Discipline implies that there are two active roles – the adult as teacher and the child as learner. Both should take an equal part of the process. How do children learn best? From imitating us, learning at their own (developmental) pace, learning in a place of safety and security and in a space where their natural desire to make sense of the world is not only respected but also fostered.

True discipline in society however is rare. Most children today are punished. Punished for being a child, punished for not acting like an adult, punished for being too inquisitive and eager to learn and punished for not having a well developed centre of self control in their brains. The dictionary definition of punishment is: “causing or characterised by harsh or injurious treatment; severe; brutal”. When children are punished no real learning takes place, the role of the child is passive. The goal of the adult is control and conformity.

In most cases misbehaviour is a cry for help. It shows us that all is not well in the child’s world. In effect most of the behaviour control methods in use in society today (the ones we usually describe as ‘discipline’ but more appropriately fit the definition of ‘punishment’) punish the child for having a problem, rather than trying to help them solve it. Do the problems disappear just because a punishment has been administered? Of course not, although the vocalisation or physical manifestations of them may. The problem remains, ready to rise on another day, like a festering wound covered with a fresh bandage. Why not help children to solve their problems? Surely then we are better teachers?

Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive Parenting Approaches.

In 1966 Psychologist Diana Baumrind coined her Parenting Typology, a description of three distinct parenting styles. Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive. Baumrind was particularly interested in two facets of parenting behaviour, first the demand parents placed on children in terms of what they expected of them and their behaviour and secondly the responsiveness the parents showed to the children which indicated how in tune, and responsive to, the child’s needs the parents were.

The three parenting styles can be briefly summarised as:

Authoritarian

Highly demanding. Parent expects behaviour that is perhaps not age appropriate.

Strict boundaries and limits, often in excess.
Boundaries and limits enforced using punishments.
Child is given very little autonomy.
Little regard is given to the age appropriateness of the punishment.
Very parent centred approach, the adult knows best.
Parent not concerned with their own behaviour and often not good role models
Low levels of affection. Low levels of responsivity.
Little respect for the child, but demands a lot of respect of the parent.

Authoritative

Parents are demanding of the child, but their expectations are age appropriate.
Parent sets realistic boundaries and limits.
Boundaries and limits are always enforced respectfully
The child is given some freedom and age appropriate autonomy
Age appropriate discipline is key
A largely child centred approach. The child is respected as well as the parent.
The parent understands the effects of their own emotions.
Parents show a great amount of affection and have a good connection to the child.
Parent is highly responsive to the child’s needs.

Permissive

Parents have little demand of the child and very low expectations of behavioural
The child is often capable of better behaviour but this is not encouraged.
Little or no boundaries or limits.
What boundaries do exist are not enforced
Child is allowed to do whatever they like and often given too much freedom
Unwanted behaviour is not disciplined and is often explained away.
Child is in control, parent has little control.
Parent may struggle with their own emotions.
Highly affectionate.
Highly responsive to the child’s needs, but can misinterpret them.

Baumrind stated that ideally “parents should be neither punitive nor aloof. Rather, they should develop rules for their children and be affectionate with them.” Or in other words the ideal parents would walk a carefully balanced line of good responsiveness and appropriate demand of the child, mindful of their development. The definition of this? Authoritative parenting, or as I like to call it: Gentle Parenting.

This is an except from my latest book: ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’. If you’d like to read on you can find the book in all good bookshops, including Amazon and The BookDepository which ships internationally.

When (and How) Should you Drop a Nap?

Do you know how many naps your child should have per day and how long each nap should last for?

It may surprise you that actually nobody knows how long babies and toddlers should nap for and how many naps they should have per day.

If you have followed recommendations from a book or chart, it’s important to know that the figures they contain are completely most likely based on nothing more than personal opinion and random guesswork. There is no science which tells us what the ‘ideal’ baby or toddler nap looks like and none which shows us how many they should have based on age. Each child is different. What works for one won’t work for another exactly the same age.

The best way to ascertain how many naps your child should have (and how long they should last for) is to follow the cues your child gives to you. Far too many parents experience untold levels of stress worrying that their child is not meeting the recommended nap expectations for their age. They invest large amounts of time and energy (and often money) to try to get their child to nap more often, or nap for longer, largely because they are following un-evidence based guidelines and not their child.

What science can tell us is the average length of time babies and toddlers sleep for during the day at a given age. It’s important to understand here that we’re only working with averages, there will always be children who sit well outside of these and are perfectly fine. Some will sleep for much more, some for much less. Some will take this sleep over several short ‘catnaps’ and some will take it over one or two much longer naps. Both are equally fine and healthy.

Newborn: 5-6hrs average total day sleep
3 months 4-5hrs average total day sleep
6 months 3-4hrs average total day sleep
9 months 2-3hrs average total day sleep
12 months 2-3hrs average total day sleep

What we do know is that daytime naps naturally lessen in length and frequency as the child gets older. This is because they can tolerate more awake time, from both a physiological and neurological perspective as they grow. Circadian rhythms also mature as sleep begins to consolidate, particularly at night. In general the more night sleep consolidates so lessening naps correlate. Research has shown that post two years daytime napping is correlated with a later onset of bedtime sleep and less night sleep. Or in other words, overly encouraging naps in toddlerhood can lead to more trouble with sleep at night.

Are There any Averages for Frequency of Naps?

Not evidence based ones, however in my experience the following patterns seem most common:

Newborn – no specific pattern
3-6months – 4 or 3 naps per day
6-9months – 3 or 2 naps per day
9-12months – 1 or 2 naps per day
12-18months – usually 1 nap per day
18-30months – daytime naps stop on most days at some point.

Now, these are just averages based on my professional experience, there will always be babies and toddlers who sit outside of these. There will always be an eight month old who doesn’t nap at all and a three year old who naps every day, this just provides a vague timeline. This isn’t a list of ‘shoulds’ though. Remember there is no such thing as ‘should’ in terms of length, timing or frequency of baby and toddler naps.

Dropping Naps

The only predictability when it comes to naps is that all babies start out napping and at some point over the next four years or so the frequency of naps reduces until ultimately they stop sleeping during the day.

The best way to drop a nap is to be ‘baby led’. That means ideally following your child’s cues or allowing it to happen totally naturally. The following are signs that your child is perhaps ready to drop a nap:

Taking much longer to fall asleep for naps
Not falling asleep during things that usually end in sleep – e.g feeding or babywearing
Waking after fifteen minutes or so of napping
Difficulty getting back to sleep when waking after a short nap
Difficulty falling asleep in the evening (more than previously)
More night waking than usual
Early morning waking (earlier than usual)
Skipping a nap every now and again
Complete reluctance to nap at a time they previously napped.

How to Handle Nap Drops.

There are two main (gentle) approaches here:

Let it happen naturally – this can take several months for the nap to drop. Some days the baby will take the nap, others not. If you follow this approach don’t force a nap that is not happening. Try for a maximum of 15 minutes to get the baby to nap and then abandon the idea. Try again after a 15 minute break, this time for a maximum of 10 minutes. If it hasn’t happened by this point it’s not going to happen. The pro of this is that it’s totally baby led and very respectful of the child’s needs. The con is that it takes time and during that time you may have very difficult nights and an occasionally grumpy baby.
After spotting some of the above cues (if you don’t spot them don’t do this!) aim to shift your baby’s sleep timings to fit in with a dropped nap – e.g: if going from two to one, if they usually nap at 10am and 2pm, aim for one nap in the middle – at 12 lunchtime.Try to keep them awake and occupied – lots of play, talking and interaction and avoid things which trigger sleep – e.g: car rides – outside of this time zone. The pro here is this is definitely a quicker way to change naps, the cons is that you’re going to have mega grouchy, cranky baby for at least a couple of weeks while their body clock adjusts to the new timings. Initially they’re going to be sleep deprived as they lose a daytime nap but the night sleep is not yet consolidated. It takes time (at least 2 weeks) for this to happen. Think of it as your baby having severe jetlag for a fornight. Jetlag sucks, as adults we know how bad it feels, this is what your baby is going through. Definitely don’t drop naps around the time of a holiday, a big family get together or starting nursery!

Will the Naps Always Stay Dropped?

Probably not. As adults we haven’t napped every day for many, many years. Yet we still nap sometimes. On days when we feel ill, days when we’ve had a bad night sleep, days when we have a hangover, days when we’ve been really busy and working hard. Babies and toddlers are no different. There will be days for many years to come where they will have a random nap outside of their normal timings. This is really no bad thing. If they nap they obviously need it, so leave them to it! What you’re aiming for is a fairly consistent pattern, not a robotic schedule.

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your baby, toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

VLOG: Is Feeding Your Baby to Sleep a Bad Habit?

I’m commonly contacted by parents asking the following questions:

“I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feed to sleep and instead I should put my baby down ‘drowsy but awake’. Is it true that feeding to sleep is a bad habit?”

“I think I’ve created a sleep problem by breastfeeding when my baby wakes in the night. Should I stop doing it?”

“My partner breastfeeds at night and our baby won’t let me settle him as a result. How can we break this bad sleep association so I can settle him?”

It seems that ‘sleep trainers’ everywhere are fixed upon scaring parents away from feeding to sleep and feeding in the night. It’s commonly considered a poor sleep association, a bad habit or problematic. In this video I discuss this issue and tell you the truth!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

VLOG: The Importance of Bedtime Routines for Babies & Toddlers (and how to create a good one!)

I thought it was about time I ventured into the world of vlogging, so I’m pleased to bring you my very first video!

This one is all about bedtime routines, why they’re so important, why you shouldn’t be scared of them, why being child led is not always great and how to create the most ‘sleep friendly’ bedtime routine.

Happy watching!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

Can Gentle Parenting and Mainstream Schooling Ever Mix?

Is it possible to parent gently and send your child to mainstream school? A question I’m often asked by parents.

What should parents look for when choosing a school?

How should they handle homework and behaviour policies that go against their beliefs?

I’ve answered some of these questions in ‘The Gentle Parenting Book‘ and I’ve addressed the issue of school behaviour control in a previous blog. This blog post commonly attracts negative responses from teachers, who say it’s just not possible to run a school any other way. Yet I believe it is.

I wanted to pose the question, of whether it is possible to integrate a respectful approach, mindful of the true needs and abilities of children into a more conventional educational setting, to somebody heavily involved in education. Who could be better than a headteacher? Rob Dell is a headteacher at a UK state school in Hertfordshire. His responses are thought provoking and inspiring.

So, for those of you not keen on home education, unschooling or alternative schools such as Steiner, read on…..

Continue reading “Can Gentle Parenting and Mainstream Schooling Ever Mix?”

Toddlers all Sleep Through the Night – Don’t They?

Parents expect their small babies to wake at night frequently. Night feeds are accepted as the norm for at least the first three months (and beyond) by most sources. Something changes after six months though, we expect babies to start ‘sleeping through the night’. For each month past six months of age, that a baby still wakes, they are slowly considered more and more problematic. It’s rare that the wisdom of this is challenged, despite science showing that over half of nine and twelve month olds wake regularly at night.

Post twelve months, toddlers who wake at night are almost certainly considered to have a ‘sleep problem’ by most experts. The common assumption is at this age they should no longer have milk in the night, should be sleeping in their own bed (or cot/crib) in their own room and should make it through from 7pm to 7am without disturbing their parents. This is so short sighted and misinformed it’s almost funny. I say ‘almost’ because if you’re the parent of a toddler who wakes regularly at night it’s not funny. Especially when everybody is telling you that you and your child have a problem. I’m here to categorically tell you that you don’t.

I’m not saying it’s not bloody hard when you’re on to year two of next to no sleep, it is, however it’s highly likely that there is nothing at all wrong with your toddler. The problem is firmly in the hands of the misinformed expectations held by society. Realistically, night waking remains a completely normal part of life right through to the child’s second birthday and beyond. In fact I would say one of the trickiest ages for sleep is around eighteen months – something people commonly refer to as “the 18 month sleep regression”. Why? Read on……..

Why Do Toddlers Wake So Often At Night?

I should add a caveat here, a lot of people think I “know all of the answers”, I don’t. If I’m honest, I have no idea why your toddler is waking lots at night. Toddler sleep is much more complex than baby sleep in my opinion, because there is so much more going on in their worlds. The following are what I consider the top reasons for toddler night waking, but by no means is this list exhaustive.

Struggling with a sense of control and autonomy. Toddlers need a certain level of control over their lives to feel happy and secure, in many cases the amount of autonomy they need does not match that which they actually get. There are very few things they have full control over 1. when and what they eat, 2. when and how they go to the toilet and 3. when and how they sleep. This issue is compounded by using cots and cribs which effectively contain the toddler in a space where they may not want to be, for this reasons floor beds can often make a really positive impact. See more HERE. Sleep issues may indicate a toddler who needs to be afforded more control in their life. In many aspects, not just sleep.

Feeling insecure after the arrival/the imminent arrival of a new sibling. This is such a huge one. It is so completely and totally normal for a toddler (even if they previously slept through the night) to start waking regularly once a new sibling arrives on the scene. Think about it from their perspective, their whole world has been turned upside down. You know you don’t love them any less, but they don’t see that. They see a new baby taking hugs that would normally have been theirs and their insecurity manifests in tricky behaviour in the day and waking more at night.

The upheaval of starting preschool/nursery. Their little world has changed. Gone is the safety and predictability of home and known people, replaced with a loud, bright and busy environment that they have no control over full of people they don’t know. No matter how much they enjoy preschool or nursery and love their time there, it can still be very unsettling and cause sleep regressions as a result.

A changing diet. Picky eating is normal in the toddler years. Picky eating however can commonly result in a lack of nutrients essential for sleep and quite simply, hunger at night. A bedtime snack may help here. Toddler diets also tend to be quite carbohydrate heavy, but a good mix of carbs and protein are necessary for sleep. In addition a lot of the foods and drinks given to toddlers can contain E-Numbers, artificial colourings in particular, which are known to make children hyperactive, in fact these are also commonly found in popular toddler medicine, such as Calpol.

Mother returning to work. Often mothers will return to work towards the end of the first year. No matter how wonderful the daycare is, the toddler will still have what I call an ‘attachment deficit’. Simply, they need to reconnect with the mother at night when she returns home from work. They need at least 2 hours of this before bedtime begins, something that often doesn’t happen. If their attachment deficit isn’t resolve in the evening when they are awake they will try to resolve it at night, waking regularly for reassurance and in the case of a breastfed toddler – reverse cycling (lots of night breastfeeding).

Toilet training. Even potty training that goes well in the day can impact sleep negatively at night. If the toddler is still in nappies they may wake and become distressed when they go to the toilet at night, as they are now used to using the potty in the day. If they are nappyless at night, it’s common they will have bedwetting accidents for several years to come (this is normal right up to seven years of age).

Too much sleep. For many families this idea seems absurd. Their toddler is waking regularly at night, how on earth could they be getting too much sleep? The main culprit here is usually naps. It’s fairly common for an eighteen month old to drop daytime naps completely, at this age needing more than one nap per day is very rare. Encouraging more (or any) naps in the day than the toddler needs may be one of the biggest reasons for frequent night waking. During the toddler years total sleep need in a 24 hour period ranges from nine to sixteen hours, this means that for some toddlers who have a two hour nap in the daytime, total sleep need at night is only seven hours!

Bedtime too early. Most parents consider a normal toddler bedtime to be around 7pm, however this is likely to be too early. If a toddler goes to bed before their body is chemically ready they may find it harder to get to sleep and associate bedtime with arousal, or they may wake frequently, especially in the earlier part of the night. Research has found that the onset of the melatonin (the sleep hormone) rise in toddlers averages at 7:40pm, meaning that bedtime should occur at roughly 8 to 8:30pm.

Light pollution. Many toddlers have bedrooms full of night lights, light up sleep training clocks, glowing cuddly toys and light shows. Every single one of these has the potential to inhibit sleep and should be removed from the toddler’s room, unless the light is red. More on this HERE.

Screens and TV too close to bed. This causes problems for two reasons, increasing brain activity and too much blue light emitted near to bedtime which inhibits sleep. Toddlers should have no exposure to screens (TV, laptops, tablets etc..) for at least a two hour period before bedtime, that means no more CBeebies bedtime hour!

Anxiety and fear. The toddler years can see the development of many different fears and anxieties, often related to what is happening in the child’s daytime. New siblings, starting nursery, mothers returning to work, things they have seen on television can all make toddlers anxious. Similarly this is the age that fear of the dark usually appears. Removing or reassuring these anxieties as much as possible is key. The best way to do this? Allow the toddler to sleep in close proximity to you. THESE are also a great way to ease anxiety and fear at night.

Nightmares and Night Terrors. This is the age of the apperance of nightmares and night terrors. Both can play a significant role in disturbed sleep over the next few years at least. See HERE for more on the differences and how to help.

Too cold in the night. This is commonly the age that parents will change their toddler’s bedding to a quilt or duvet. Some toddlers do well with this, but most don’t. Duvets are hard to maneuvre when you’re little and can often leave the toddler too hot, or perhaps more importantly, too cold. Either will make them wake in the night, but particularly cold. Sleeping bags can cause problems at this age too, toddlers often don’t like the restriction in movement and most importantly the covered feet means that they cannot control their body temperature properly (bare feet are important at night for temperature regulation, I’m sure you know somebody who sleeps covered up with their feet sticking out!). For this reason, the best bedding for toddlers is a 2.5 tog sleeping bag with fitted legs and exposed feet – like THIS.

As I mentioned previously this list is by no means exhaustive, there are many more elements that impact toddler sleep (health, environment, bedtime routine and parental discipline for starters), but I hope it helps parents to understand what may be happening to their toddler’s sleep.

It is NORMAL for toddlers to wake regularly at night, perhaps the hardest months are months eighteen to twenty four, but it will pass, it will get better. Just knowing that your child is not ‘problematic’ can be quite powerful.

The NEWLY UPDATED Gentle Sleep Book – out now! If you would like to understand and learn how to improve your toddler, or pre-schooler’s sleep WITHOUT cry-based conventional sleep training, this is the book for you!

Sarah

p.s: Come and chat with me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

Or watch my videos on YouTube

You can also sign up for my free parenting newsletter HERE.

How to Get Your Baby to Nap in Daycare

For many mothers, who practice gentle or attachment parenting, their return to work can be fraught with worry. Concerns about how the baby will settle and sleep for the new caregivers usually top the list. In this blog post my aim is to hopefully reduce these fears a little and help you to prepare your baby for naps without you as much as possible.

Before I talk about how to encourage more independent naps I think it’s really important to start at a point that many parenting ‘experts’ would skip. That is choosing childcare. I’m not going to go into great depth here (for those who are interested I have however done so in my new Gentle Parenting Book), but it’s impossible to cover this topic without even a brief mention.

Choosing Childcare Providers

Choosing the correct childcare for your baby is the most important step you can take to ease their transition and to aid sleep without you. There is no one universally correct choice, because all care differs between providers (whatever pedagogy they may subscribe to), however for those with a more gentle disposition I would always recommend ‘home based childcare’ as usually being the top choice. What do I mean by ‘home based’? Simply care provided in the child’s own home (the ultimate childcare choice – think nanny) or in somebody else’s (think grandparents or childminder). Home based childcare usually allows for a little more flexibility around individual routines and for babies reduces over-stimulation. That doesn’t however mean that I would advise parents to always steer clear of nursery settings. There are some truly wonderful nurseries out there (and some dire nannies and childminders). A great nursery is much better than a poor, or average nanny.

The most important point to consider concerning childcare selection is how willing the provider is to meet the needs of your individual child. I have worked with so many parents who ask me “my baby naps at 9am and 3pm, but at nursery they have to nap at 11am and 2pm, how do I change my baby’s routine to fit this?”, or “my baby only sleeps when she’s held and rocked, but at daycare they have to fall asleep in a cot, help?”. My answer is always the same:

“you are paying for this service, they should be providing the service that you and your baby require. If that means following individual nap times or carrying your baby in a sling for the duration of their nap, then that’s what you should demand. If they are unwilling to meet your needs then this is not the right setting for you or your child.”

When selecting childcare some important questions to ask are:

Do you expect my baby to sleep at a certain time? Or are you happy for him/her to sleep according to her own needs?
If my baby cannot fall asleep in the cot/crib will you carry her/him in a sling?
My baby needs movement to sleep – will you take him/her for a walk in the buggy/stroller if necessary every day?
What will you do if my baby doesn’t want to nap when others in your care are napping?
My baby needs music/scent/certain objects/certain lighting etc..to sleep, are you happy with this?
Are you prepared to have a lot of settling in sessions, both with and without me present, before my baby starts with you? Or do you have a restriction on how many we can have?

Remember, you are paying a lot of money and trusting the love of your life to somebody else’s care, there should be NOTHING you are unhappy about. If there is, and the provider is not happy to change their views, then I cannot highlight enough – this is not the right care provider for you!

Are your Fears Unfounded?

I know it may seem completely impossible to comprehend, but once you have found the right care provider you will be amazed at how differently your baby will sleep for them. Many parents tells me “she’ll only fall asleep at the breast for me and I have to stay with her for the duration of the nap” or “he’ll only sleep with constant rocking”…..”but, at daycare it’s amazing that it’s so different”. Babies who won’t fall asleep for mum or dad without a boob, or those who take 30 minutes of rocking will often be happy to be placed in a crib/cot and be patted to sleep by your childcare provider. For some parents it’s so unbelievably different that they are not convinced until they see it happen for themselves. The chances of the parents replicating this at home are precisely nil. Why? Babies seem to know that they will need to settle in a different way for their caregiver than for their parents. The comforting they get from their parents is ‘the ultimate’, but they seem willing to sacrifice it a little in the daytime for other carers (until they’re back with their parents that is).

I cannot highlight how common this is. Almost all babies will sleep in a different and very unexpected way for their carer than their parents. The carer will also likely find their own way to get your baby to sleep, again most likely in a way you’ll never be able to replicate. It may take a week or so for the two of them to find their own groove, but they almost certainly will!

Smoothing the Transition

It’s quite common that parents feel the need to get their baby napping ‘out of arms’, or settling without a breastfeed in preparation for starting daycare. I don’t actually think either of these are necessary (see above for why!). It absolutely won’t confuse your baby if you always feed them to sleep, but their carer pushes them in a buggy or stroller.

What I would suggest you focus on however are steps that the carer can follow that are the same that you use at home. Things like:

Always changing your baby into a certain sleeping bag before naptimes and sending a duplicate with them to daycare.
Sending a special sling or carrier that you use for naptimes with your baby to daycare
Playing a special piece of music for naptimes at home (like my ‘Gentle Sleep Music for Babies’) for the duration of your baby’s nap, and then asking daycare to use it for naps there.
Wearing a scent (I recommend lavender essential oil) as perfume during the day yourself and then asking your carer to wear the same, or at least to carry a muslin scented with it.
Reading a special story book at the start of nap times, and sending another copy of that book with your child to daycare.
Keeping the lighting levels the same for naps at home and at daycare (I recommend NOT closing blinds or curtains in order to not inhibit the circadian rhythm/body clock and potentially negatively impacting night time sleep- more on this in my ‘Gentle Sleep Book’).
Snuggling your baby with a special comforter (I like this one) or blanket (like this) at home during every nap or feed and then sending a duplicate to their daycare with them.

All of these will help your baby to feel that they have a little piece of you with them and the continuity should aid easier naps in your absence.

Similarly if you have a slightly older baby, it’s a great idea to take photos of their caregiver and to make a little photo album of them to discuss at home. Look at the album often together and comment positively on what a lovely time they have together.

When Your Baby Cries

A lot of gentle and attachment parents get very worried about their baby crying, particularly when they are not with them. There is a difference however between the type of crying that happens when a baby is being sleep trained (when they are alone and likely scared and very stressed) and the type that occurs when a baby is being held and attended to fully by somebody who cares for them. In the latter case, although it’s always best if crying is avoided completely, in reality it’s often not possible and it’s likely your baby will cry in your absence. Here THIS article may help you a little.

Reconnecting at the End of the Day

It’s really important that you understand your baby is going to need you more at the end of the day and often overnight once you return to work. A baby who previously was ‘sleeping through’ or waking only once will commonly wake more often once they start daycare. Similarly it’s common that they will feed more in the evening and at night if they are breastfed. This is known as ‘reverse cycling’. Your baby is simply trying to reconnect with you after your time apart through the best means they know how. Now is not the time for nightweaning, as exhausting as it may be wait at least a month or two, if not longer. You can find some tips in my ‘Gentle Sleep Book‘, when the time comes.

Imagine your baby has a ‘connection bucket’. This bucket needs to reach full capacity by the end of each day. If it doesn’t, the baby may feel a little insecure and need to connect with you more at night. Now if you are away from your baby for 8 hours or more each day it’s reasonable to expect that your baby’s bucket needs a lot of filling in the evening. For this reason don’t rush their bath and bedtime as soon as you get in. The best way to reconnect is to play, cuddle and breastfeed. Each evening try to spend at least an hour doing these things before beginning dinner or a bedtime routine and slot in a 30 minute play time between dinner and bath. Ideally your baby needs a minimum of two hours awake and reconnecting time with you at home, before starting their bedtime routine each evening.

You

In many ways this section should come at the start of this article, not the end. Too often parents are so worried about their baby when they return to work that they forget to think of their own needs. Going back to work when you’re a new mother is bloody hard. Not just from a physical exhaustion level, but an emotional one too. You must, must, must, must, must look after yourself – in body and in mind. Rest up as much as possible, don’t try to ‘do it all’, get some ‘me time’ in when you can at weekends, eat well, try to catch up on sleep whenever you can (going to bed at the same time as your baby may seem depressing but can really help in the first few weeks back to work). I’d also really recommend learning and practising mindfulness. It may sound a bit ‘hippy trippy’, but it’s really a game-changer. Check out THIS WEBSITE for a free trial.

Good luck!

Sarah

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The Epidemic of Baby Sleep Training

Our society is in the throes of an ever increasing and worrying epidemic, that of infant sleep training. For six thousand years humans have parented in a manner similar to that of other mammals who nurture their young. Babies would be held both day and night, they would be placed at the breast whenever they needed and as a result, although new parents were undoubtedly tired, there was no need for experts or products to solve baby sleep problems. Quite simply baby sleep problems didn’t exist. Adults understood normal baby sleep and they understood what babies needed to sleep in a more restful way. They also understood that disrupted sleep was temporary and adjusted their lives accordingly.

The dawn of industrialisation two hundred years ago changed everything. The pursuit of wealth and material belongings relegated parenting to a second class occupation. A new role appeared, that of the male parenting expert, such as Truby King and John Watson. Parents were advised to put their babies on strict feeding and sleeping schedules and love was seen as a weakness. Children were not to be ‘mollycoddled’ or shown excessive affection. Parenting styles come in and out of vogue with regularity. Interestingly they always seem to reflect the state and views of society at the time. In the case of the industrialised society these views were predominantly misogynistic and focussed on increasing wealth and productivity. You could argue that this is the prevalent view still today.

In a society focussed on creating money and workers, love and emotion gets in the way. Mothers today are encouraged back into the workforce prematurely, at least when compared to the needs of their babies. More mothers in work however means a better economy and more money for the country. Is it any wonder that governments have no interest in supporting mothers to stay at home for the first three years of their child’s life? Our country’s economy benefits from baby sleep training in many way. Less tired mothers (and fathers) make better workers. Sleep consultancies create jobs and taxes, as do manufacturers of products intended to be used as mother substitutes to try to pacify babies who really need to be ‘in arms’. The same is true of the formula industry. More products mean more profit and more money for the governmental coffers. Why would they ever want to adopt a more nurturing and natural view on childcare?

….and then there are the parents. Split in two and not winning at anything. Struggling with their jobs and so little sleep, struggling to pay the bills and worrying about taking care of their homes and relatives. On the other hand there are instincts. The instinct to protect this delicate newly created life. The pull on the heart when the baby cries, the feel of the baby relaxing when they are held close. The feeling that the advice given by a health professional is somehow wrong, but questioning what a naive first time parent knows compared to years of experience and medical degrees. Over the last two hundred years we have gained so much, electricity, fast transportation, instant communication and a longer life expectancy. What we have lost is far, far more though. We are starting to lose our humanity in the quest for ‘more’. Industry and jobs have forced families apart. Families who throughout history have helped to share the burden of new parenthood. Motherhood is increasingly undervalued. How many stay at home mothers do you know who introduce themselves as “just a mother”? Some people argue that gentle or attachment parenting, which frowns on conventional sleep training, is anti-feminist. I would argue completely the opposite, the sleep training epidemic and misogynistic industrial society of today is the true enemy of feminism.

The biggest losers of all though are the babies. The sweet innocent babies who have not changed since the babies of six thousand years ago. Their needs are unchanged and simple. They need love, nurturance and the constant reassurance of parental presence through day and night while their brains develop enough to allow them to become truly independent. They need food when they are hungry. Now though they are treated as problematic. The same sleep patterns that have been handled without trouble or ‘expert advice’ for thousands of years have now become a source of big business. It is in the benefit of industry for babies to be seen as having sleep problems. It creates money and it also stops parents asking what in the heck we have done that we now consider normal human biology problematic and to instead accept, without thought, the brainwashing that we *need* to constantly work to earn money to buy more stuff.

Babies don’t have sleep problems. Babies have never slept through the night and they never will, at most the modern day sleep training epidemic will cause them to lay awake alone at night and not signal their distress to their caregivers. The problem has nothing to do with the way babies sleep. The problem belongs to us, as adults. The problem belongs to industrialisation and the questionable ethics of those who live off of the exhaustion and anxiety it has created. Those who make millions supposedly trying to fix the problem that the very same industry today has created. Many parents will say “but I HAD to sleep train my baby, I just couldn’t function. I have a job to do and a house to keep”. The truth is though that nobody ever needs to sleep train their baby, at least not in a manner that makes the baby suffer for being a baby. The real problem is that we are now so accustomed to our industrialised lives that we are unwilling to make the sacrifices that parents have made for their babies for thousands of year. There is always something that can be done that doesn’t mean enforcing unnatural sleeping patterns on our babies (see HERE for more). The question is, are we unselfish and un-blinkered enough to break free of the modern sleep training epidemic?

Sarah

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Parents, Stop Bribing Your Children with Christmas!

November and December herald a rising trend in the arsenal of parenting weapons. As Christmas looms parents increasingly seek to control the behaviour of their children through the threat of Santa and his Elves and manufacturers and marketeers increasingly profit from their desperation. Elf on the Shelf, personalised letters and videos telling children they will only get presents if they “are good”, telephone calls, videos and phone apps threaten to report children to Father Christmas if they have been naughty and tell them they must do better if they wish to receive presents. The magic of Christmas is increasingly overshadowed by the constant undercurrent of behaviour surveillance and threats of a present free Christmas if children don’t behave.

Many parents buy into this. Only today I heard a mother telling her daughter “Santa won’t bring you any presents if you don’t stop tantruming”. Words uttered frequently at this time of year.

I say, enough. Enough with the threats, the surveillance and the bribes. Not only are they highly ineffective parenting methods, but we run the very real risk of scaring our children with these mythological ‘all seeing’ creatures. Where is the magic in that?

All children are ‘good’. What most believe to be ‘bad behaviour’ is not indicative of a naughty child. Behaviour that we do not like as adults does not indicate that the child is not motivated to do better. On the contrary it indicates that the child is usually behaving in the only manner in which they are capable of according to their level of emotional and intellectual development. Most children would rather they didn’t misbehave too. They don’t need any motivation to not misbehave, whether that comes in the bribe of “I’ll buy you XYZ for Christmas if you behave”, or in the threat of punishment of “Santa won’t bring you any presents if you don’t stop it”. Simply, misbehaving and all the uncomfortable, uncontrollable and messy emotions and feelings that accompany it usually makes children feel just as crappy as their parents, if not more so. They are already motivated to behave, they intrinsically want to ‘be good’.

Offering bribes of more Christmas presents won’t make a child’s drive to behave any stronger. Similarly threats of less, or no, presents won’t motivate them any more. If they are misbehaving, the issue is either that they cannot behave better, either because of their age, their level of brain development or their capabilities of regulating their emotions and drives or that they are in an environment that is triggering the negative behaviour.

The key to changing ‘misbehaviour’ is to reset expectations, help to develop regulation and social skills and keep them away from places and people who trigger the unwanted behaviour. Imagine how upsetting it must be for a child who already wants to be good, but is incapable of being so, to be threatened with losing Christmas presents? The motivation is already there, but without the skills necessary to ‘do better’ they are totally and utterly helpless. Losing presents is therefore inevitable. How is this meant to help? In most cases it will actually make the behaviour worse as the child gives up, knowing they can’t do better. Their self esteem (which is usually pretty low already) plummets and their behaviour often regresses even more.

Imagine how it feels to be young and threatened by an ‘ever watching’ array of mythical beings. Is it any wonder children cry when sat on Santa’s knee? The judgemental old man who despatches elves around the world to spy on children to see if they are worthy of having his gifts bestowed on them. Those elves who “see everything” and are “always watching”. That’s pretty scary already without adding a demonic looking shelf sitting elf into the mixture.

On the subject of said elf, what about the example he himself sets? He is allowed to get up to all sorts of mischief and mayhem, most of which would get a child swiftly added to Santa’s ‘naughty list’. How confusing must it be for children to watch the elf doing all sorts of things they are never allowed to do knowing if they set one foot wrong that he will go scurrying back to Santa to tell on them. Hypocritical much? Many parents think this is “just a bit of harmless fun” and it might be, if it didn’t send a very strong and a distinctly un-fun message to children.

elf on the shelf, naughty elf

Of course, come January the threat of Santa lessens dramatically. One would hope the Christmas bribery would end there, however I have heard of plenty of parents who threaten to call Santa to get him to take their presents back. If that fails there is always the Easter Bunny or the ever present Tooth Fairy. Both of whom are certainly used to their fair share of supernatural bribery.

The answer to ‘behavioural problems’ is to step outside of the commercial festive frenzy and ditch the hypocritical spying elf. Write to Santa if you want your child to believe, but thank him for seeing the good in all children. Ask your child to write a list of what they are proud of this year about themselves and leave the words ‘good’ and ‘naughty’ out of it completely. If you are visiting a Father Christmas, quickly have a word with one of his helpers before you visit and ask him or her to have a quick word with Santa to let him know that you don’t want him to ask your child if they have been good this year. If you want to play with an Elf, first check that the idea of a creature coming to life in the house every night is not one that will scare your child (how can we tell them monsters aren’t real while at the same time pretending a naughty elf is?) and then make sure that they do not do anything that your child is not allowed to do. Skip any accompanying books, cards or stickers and just enjoy the festive fun.

Merry Christmas!

Sarah

Note: I have used the terms Santa and Father Christmas interchangeably. In the UK we call Santa Father Christmas!

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Self Soothing: Why Babies Are Not Like Adults

Adults, children and babies all wake many times each night. ‘Sleeping through the night’ is a misnomer, it indicates something that is not biologically possible. We all sleep in cycles moving through light and deep sleep. At the end of each cycle a new cycle may immediately begin (giving the impression that the individual is ‘sleeping through’), or the individual may wake.

Babies move through many more sleep cycles than adults, in part because they sleep for longer at night and also because their sleep cycles are significantly shorter. While adults will experience around 5-6 sleep cycles per night, babies experience anything between 12 to 16 (depending on age and total length of sleep).

When it comes to transitioning between sleep cycles adults only have to link cycles five or six times. Babies however have to transition anything up to three times as many cycles. Each end and start of a sleep cycle is an opportunity for them to wake if something in their body or their environment is not right.

Conventional ‘sleep experts’ focus heavily on teaching babies to ‘self soothe’ or ‘self settle’. They believe that teaching this skill will help the baby to transition between cycles without parental input. This they believe is the key to getting babies to ‘sleep through the night’. This is often taught by a degree of parental abandonment where the child is left to ‘figure things out’ alone (which supposedly teache them to self soothe). Techniques vary from ‘Cry it Out’ (where the child is left to cry until they eventually fall asleep) to ‘controlled crying’ (a version of the above where the parent checks the child every few minutes and then leaves the room to allow the baby to cry more), to ‘disappearing chair’ or ‘gradual withdrawal’ (where the parent moves further and further away from the child and responds initially with sshing and patting the baby’s tummy or bottom, to ultimately only ssshing or talking to the child from the other side of the room or even outside of the door). The presumption with these techniques is always the same, to teach ‘Self soothing’ or ‘self settling’.

I feel it is vital however that parents understand exactly what the baby is capable of doing, from a brain and physical development point of view. When an adult ‘self soothes’ it looks very different to an infant ‘self soothing’. Some examples are shown in the table below.

selfsoothe

The ability to ‘self soothe’ requires both sophisticated brain development and physical skills such as getting out of bed alone, walking and manipulating the environment. If the infant therefore ceases crying, does it mean that they are soothed? Or does it mean that they have been trained not to cry because they quickly learn that the parent does not meet their needs, ergo, there is no point in crying? The answer is blatantly obvious to me, is it to you?